Christmas - the 6th day

More photos at www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

merry christmas - the 7th day

More photos availabe at www.siewwai.zenfolio.com


This is my first Christmas in Australia. My 5th Christmas ever since I discovered the story of Christmas and began to understand the beauty and true meaning of it.








My Christmas Eve was very well spent, the way I never expected it. Of course I worked in the day, and contrary to popular opinion that I would definitely head off for one party after another, I actually felt like hitting home for a quiet and early night. Hmm...never quite the way I wanted but I wasn't feeling my best yesterday...you know, the package of light headedness, lethargy, pale, cramps etc etc ;) and it doesn't help knowing that I would have a long day at work on Christmas day.








So I went home, though unwell yet wanna go to the gym ; went to the gym and to my surprise they weren't open; disappointed and hit home again...








Then I saw my housemate crouching in the couch using her laptop. It can't be she had no appointment on the Christmas Eve...Unlike her,my not-going-out-on-Christmas-Eve was fully justified by the fact that I was unwell and had to work through the whole Christmas Day.








So I suggested to do something different, we were headed to Glenelg, bought the awesome Organic pizza, sat by the beach, saw the magnificent sunset, took some photos, had my favourite Cibo, did some crazy shopping , then home.....








Why was I so excited about this?Because it was a Christmas Eve that was spent with my housemate of whom I've not seen much. Can't believe what the daily rat race has done to us. We have stayed under the same roof for 5 months and yesterday for the first time I knew that she liked golfing and dancing etc...








Anyway...My Christmas entry will be continued...too tired now.

My hiding place in the midst of craziness - the 9th day

The cafe is called the Courtyard Cafe, located in the heart of the hospital and they make brilliant coffee.












It was a valuable 20 minutes break when I took this shot, love to just sit in the shade with a cuppa in my hand. Summer is the best time to sit outside.




























































































Matthew 6:26 ' Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?'

Just a lil thought of the day.

the supposedly day 17 - the 13th day

I have not forgotten about my commitment here :) It is an absolutely lovely day 13 today!


Now now, before anything else, lemme introduce to you my new playground ( it is still under construction now )....ta da!


www.siewwai.zenfolio.com


Finally found a place to showcase my work!


And these are some of the snapshots I took in the Barossa Valley, was there just a few days ago with my church friends. Every picture has a story to tell.


I am happy, terribly happy now. Not just right here right now at this moment, but at this stage generally speaking. Yeay, talk about finishing the year well. Anyone cares to join my club?












Apparently this used to be a nesting place for some birds....
































Someone's boy





























I just like this shot...





























And this...

































And this...


:) will be back tomorrow.

Maybe I should sleep now - the 18th day

So today is the 18th day towards the end of 2007. It is already 11:50, finished work at 9pm, picked up a friend from another friend's place, just got home feeling exhausted. And it doesnt help to know that tmrw I'll have to get up earlier than usual for work. Maybe I should stop typing now, maybe I should just sleep. But, naw, it is the 18th day to the 31st.


Today I got my roster for next year. Anaesthetic, Intensive Care Unit, Surgical and Emergency Department. It is gonna be a brand new experience. What is it gonna be like? Being wrapped in surgical scrubs day and night means I am gonna make my public appearance in scrubs. ( Scrubs, you know, those greenish blueish pyjamas like tops that we see in Grey's Anatomy)...there goes all my fancy clothes and shoes and accessories :(


But it is gonna be a whole new experience at work. Right now I am very comfortable with what I am doing now. After a year I have had the hang of it, I've come to know how to be a good intern, I've grown to be confident and authoritative in doing what I am meant to do. The best thing is, my boss trust me because I've proven myself throughout the year (and it is the same for all other interns), yet I don't bear the true responsibility. I am covered by my boss, I dun have the heavy burden on my shoulders.


Sometimes I do wish to just stay at this stage. It seems to be the safest and most comfortable place. I wonder what I'd be like if I were to carry on for 1 more year.


But, naw...I am glad I am finishing my internship. Unlike many other interns, I don't feel drained or exhausted. I am just bored. I want to do something greater and different.


This year has been great and challenging, I believe next year there is more to come. I've trusted in God, I am trusting in Him, and I will continue to trust in Him.

gusto - the 19th day

Today in my mid term assessment my consultant wrote : ' Dr Wong is a delightful and well respected intern who is finishing off her internship with gusto, she provides excellent care for the patients. ' ...I caught him on the ward and made him do my assessment there and then. I smiled, when I read it.

Then my eye went down to the next line, area of improvement : 'She needs to improve her hand writing.' : ( What!...his is no where better than mine..anyway, just because he is my consultant...

To be honest, I really love what I am doing now. Have you watched Hairspray? Every morning I feel like that girl, wake up looking forward to going to work, to enjoying the good 45 minute drive, to following the wardround, to talking and treating my patients...and then time passes very quickly.

Work to me is not a torment, it is a sense fulfilment and achievement. Maybe because I love the rush of adrenaline, or maybe I simply believe we ought to choose what we love , and love what we choose. I believe in loving our jobs. To me, doctor is not just a job; it is a means of serving God and His ppl.

1 Cor 10:31, 'so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.'

I love pacing around getting things done. My consultant thinks I am too fast for him, he gives me nicknames like Mighty Mouse, Typhoon Siew Wai etc etc...but all in all, I like the way he wrote my assessment , 'she is finishing off her internship with GUSTO.'

All glory to God, I live with enthusiasm and passion because of Him. Amen :)

What is unchangeable?- the 21st day

Nothing is unchangeable. While I was very young I used to believe as long as I stayed the same and persisted, things would go the way I wanted it to be. It was a long and gradual process that God and the world have taken to teach me that nothing will stay the same forever. Things change from moment to moment, even if it is the most seemingly unnoticeable change. To us the cloud looks the same now and 1 minute later, but actually it changes in its shape every single second; and to me, Glenelg looks the same every year, even though the sea level rises in milimeters every year. So, things do change, nothing stays the same.

December is an interesting month, and this has always been the month of changes. I am feeling it now, yes only until this year. Maybe I've forgotten how I felt in the past years anyway. Maybe I said the same thing every year :)


And it is already mid Dec now. 21 more days to go and the grand 2008 will be coming. I m starting to feel slightly terrified now, at the thought that time passes silently and quickly , even before we know or act.

How will I spend the last 21 days of 2007? Everyone starts their new year with new year resolutions, few ppl put their attention in ending the year well.


I am gonna live the last 21 days the way I've never been before. It begins here. Yeay!!! Lets party hard!!! Get drunk!! Nay...thats NOT true. Just joking.


Conclusion of the 21st day: Nothing is unchangeable, only God is. Siew Wai, Siew Wai, let your heart be cool and not troubled by the changes.

:)

I am just so relaxed now. Such is my life after the season of winter and dryness. Is my life hectic? Yes very much. Is my job stressful? Well, at times it can be. Do I feel lonely because I am single and away from family? No, not at all. In fact in this phase of my life I just feel that I can do so much more and enjoy God, enjoy my life, enjoy everything to the fullest. Every single second my heart leaps with joy, be it at work, at home, on my way to work, at chuch, at the gym, catching up with friends, spending time alone, running to the beach , sipping my coffee, etc etc etc...I just feel that, God has infiltrated His perfect peace and joy in every part of me. I have never come to this stage, where I can truly say, The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT.



This is what I feel now. I lack nothing. I seriously lack nothing at all. This is what I call completeness, fullstop. Just like the era of King David has passed, the era of wars has ended and then Soloman enjoys peace while he reigns. My David's era has just ended not long ago, God has brought me to the season of rest and prosperity. I am not talking about material prosperity. I am talking about the state of my heart. I dunno how to describe, I just feel so rich, so rich, so rich in my heart. I literally feel God's hand on me ALL THE TIME,His blessings poured down more than abundantly, I am drenched in it.



What's wrong with being single? Why shall we whinge and be worried about not having a bf or gf? I told God, yes, if this is it, then this is it. I will be content with whatever that He gives me. I can love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength , no division of the heart, no distraction. Just God, and me. And I dun want anything or anyone to come in and disturb me.


I am so happy. Naw, actually happy is not the word to use. It is more than mere happiness. It is pure joy, the state of truly REJOICING IN GOD.


I dunno how I do it. Must be God.


I have no problem being alone. When I was younger I loved travelling alone, but in my heart I was lonely, the whole world was just me in a black hole.
Now I still love doing things alone (having said that, I still love spending time with my friends), but God is in it.


My new year resolution? :) My prayer is that God will help me , to live my life to the fullest according to the purpose that He destined for me, in every single day and opportunity I wanna experience Him and the life that He gives me with maximal passion ; may all my senses be so empowered and sharpened, to feel, taste, see, hear and experience Him.


Use me, God.

my camera

I must share this....so I have decided to abandon my old film SLR (I have not used that for a 2-3 years) and switch to DSLR.


I bought a set of photography equipment online from the States, finally got it just 3 weeks ago:) so the story goes all the way back to 3 weeks ago, I was very excited and could not wait to start shooting with my new toy, even without a camera bag. I literally stuffed my new camera into my handbag.and....guess what, as I got too excited talking with my friends, I swung my handbag and it slipped off my hand, dropped on the ground from a great height! Mind you it was only the 3rd day of its arrival....The internal parts were damaged and the only way out is to fix it.

Some of my friends suggested to send it back to the States and claimed that it was a faulty item to start with. Of course I did not do this, instead of that I sent it to the local Canon for repair, knowing that it would probably cost me a fortune. The Canon guy told me the labour fee itself would cost me $350, and that does not include replacement of the parts which I believe can be very expensive.

To cut the long story short, just a few days ago I received a quotation letter from Canon telling me the damage was very minor, the total cost including replacement of the parts was only $94. Wow!!! When I read the letter my jaw dropped, the only question that came thru my mind was, ' How can it be so cheap?', if it was not a miracle from God then it must have been a typo.






That day I was the happiest person in the world. It was not just the money, but what mattered the most was that God again showed me right in my face His faithfulness. I could have been dishonest with the camera trader and said it was a faulty product and asked for a full refund; but I chose to honour God . And, as a result He honours me :)

Anyway, these photos are taken by me, edited by Joshua.

my favourite shot, edited into black and white by Joshua.

Henley Beach

Lil Joshua

Lil Joshua and his dad, both from Ethiopia

stay tuned

My life has been very happening lately, (as usual :)) , very busy.

but but but, will be right back :)

girls, you are beautiful

Out of the blue I feel like dedicating this post to my girlfriends. ALL my girlfriends in general. (Of course my dearest sister in Sydney is included, just in case she gets jealous :P...of course you are my best pal. )


Many many times I thank God for my girlfriends in my life. Many many of you have made a huge difference in my life. Many of you touched me and left a mark in my life unknowingly. My life has been enriched by God through you. And right now as I look upon my own life, I feel like crying and hugging each of you and saying truly genuinely from my heart, thank you thank you and thank you for being who you are , for being so beautiful in God's eyes, and in mine too.


I wasn't quite like this a few years back, esp before I believed in God. Being well known for my tomboyish personality, I could never get close with any girls. I disliked shopping (ehem ehem) and anything to do with cosmetics; I hated any girlish activities , for example sitting around the table sipping coffee and talking about the latest trends or spending the whole day learning to cook; I despised the idea of getting married, sacrificing your own dreams, raising up children and revolving your life around your husband. I could not stand it when girls wasted their time talking about their Prince Charming and their boyfriends, or even gossiping about other girls. Ultimately what I disliked was the whole make up of a girl's personality that's very sensitive and easily offended.


Haha I am talking as if I was not a girl ;P


Therefore I DID not have many close girl friends. Most of my close friends and even my best friend used to be guys. They were my buddies.


God is very funny and so sweet that when He birthed a new life in me, He has also given me a new heart to love girls. When I look back, I realise He first made me secure in my own identity and comfortable to be myself, then He opened doors for me to go into the lives of many girls and vice versa.


I am serious, I guess to a certain extent I did struggle with my identity. I always wished I was born to be a man because I thought I could do so much more if only I was one. It drove me nuts when someone thought I was less successful because of my gender. In primary school, I was only elected as a vice president of the prefect board just because the teachers intended to reserve the position of president for a boy, who later turned out to be someone lacked leadership. I always wanted to prove my strengths; outdoing a girl was not a concern to me, my whole aim was to prove that I could do a better job than my male counterparts.


Phew... I could never be a boy by natural gender, so I behaved like one and even wanted to be stronger than anyone of them. That's why I only wore pants, shove my hair, walked, talked and played sports like a boy. I rarely cried or whinged. Behaving like a girl would make me appear weak, I dint want that.


So God has changed me :) And not only that, He puts a very very special place in my heart for girls. Girls from all walks of life, girls in any stage of their journeys, girls of any age. I began to view girls from a different and better perspective, and through God's eye, I see the cute little princess in the every girl's heart. I want to open my arms for every girl who crosses my path, and tell each of them that they are absolutely beautiful and lovely.


I understand you, my girl friends. I m not old in my age, but I have been through a few things in my past esp before I met Christ. Insecurity, identity problem, lack of confidence/even too much confidence, depression, suicidal, rebellion, arrogance, fears, rejections, betrayal, relationships, break ups, flings and affairs, sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, drugs, alcohol, the struggles in uni and at work , loss of direction, loneliness, brokenness etc etc etc etc... and undoubtedly more new challenges will come but I am not fearful. If God has birthed a new life and hope, He will sustain me till the end.


Therefore I understand you my girlfriends. For everything that you are struggling now, I wanna embrace you and tell you God loves you, so do I.


One of the younger girls confided in me in regard to how she had been repeatedly falling into the same trap because of the wrong decisions she made. Somehow my heart was aching and burdened, I held her in my arms and wept and wept and wept. I saw myself in it, years ago, allowing myself to live a defeated life because of the wrong decisions that I made. I saw a very lonely and broken soul plunged into darkness, sobbing but no one heard her (undoubtedly God heard it). I plead with you, young girl, please don't hurt yourself by living a life according to your flesh. I understand you and wanna protect you.


...


Thank you for being there for me, my girlfriends. Thank you for being great and mighty women in my life. I feel rich, so rich, so rich. God bless your beautiful hearts.

tomorrow's menu

Ask me what I crave now, I'd scream out loud 'I want a bowl of fish ball noodles! and lotsa fried onion and coriander on top, preferably with a few drops of sesame oil. Oh yeah, not to forget the chopped chili padi.' That will satisfy my craving now, that will do:) And after that gimme a cendol with lotsa lotsa coconut milk and syrup. The meal will be completed with a BBQ pork pastry (Seremban Siu Pao), then an eggtart fresh from the oven....

Slurp slurpp..

Then the breakie for tomorrow will be wan ton noodles , a red bean bun and a cup of teh tarik.

Lunch will be chicken rice and bean sprouts in oyster sauce.

What about dinner? I'd be the happiest person if mom prepares the dinner. Steamed fish with mushroom and tofu; stir fried vege with lotsa garlic; fried eggs sprinkled with soy sauce; sweet and sour king prawns ; chef's special vegetarian dish ( only mom knows the recipe, passed down from grandma :) ) ...


To complete the day, of course I will have supper just before bed time. The best supper is when I have it with my family at the mamak near my house. Roti kosong with dal is a must-have; but usually one is not enough, I will need a plate of maggie goreng extra hot to satisfy my appetite....


Well.. there's no harm to fantasize about being home. I miss home truly madly deeply.

no topic

I am so tired! My mind has stopped functioning not just while I drove home, but it stopped way back when I discharged my last patient, handed over everything to the night crew, grabbed my bag and paced myself out of the hospital.


Driving home at 12am is not too bad at all, at least it is way better than driving home in the morning, after a night shift. I dozed off many times while I drove home after long night shifts, esp when the traffic was very slow in the mornings. As anyone can imagine, it is the busiest hour when everyone rushes toward the city for work. I, just like everyone else , rush toward the city, not for work, but off work for my bed. The fact that I have never hit the bum of the cars in front or the lamp posts or anything else is in itself a miracle. I praise God everytime when I see the sight of my house. Seriously, I am not joking!...One of my colleagues told me he banged the car in front because he was so drowsy after a night shift , ended up taking cab to work for a month. Another friend told me his car went off the road because he fell asleep whilst driving, that was after his night shift.


I am always in dilemma after each night shift. Should I load myself with coffee before driving or not? If I do, then I won't be able to sleep when I get home. If I don't, then I might not reach home alive...hehe...


So last week as usual I was driving home after a big mug of coffee (that was 2 table spoonful of instant coffee powder). The energy surge after caffeine only lasted for abt 15 minutes. Awww...I knew I gotta stop I gotta stop before anything happened, or I would have to pay thousands of dollars for any damage of other cars. So I pulled over , found an open car park, picked the most secluded spot and fell in a stupor almost instantaneously.


I guess I must have been in there for nearly 2 hours. The weather out there changed from sunny to light drizzling, then heavy rain pour, then it became windy, then sunny, then cloudy, then rainy again, then back to sunny etc...and guess what, throughout the 2 hrs I was still in this constant stupor.


I reckon doctors should have pay rise...what I am making now is less than my other friends in other fields, who spent much fewer years in the uni, paid much less uni fees, work much shorter hours and always have public hols and weekends off, who don't have to be exposed to medical hazzards such as infections and needle stick injuries etcetc... Who said doctor is a prestigous job? The reality is, I have to stick my finger into ppls anus to examine their rectums, sometimes to dig out their poo too if they are severely constipated...Hello, talk about prestige...and we don't sit in the office, it is a forever bye to long nails, tight skirts and high heels, unless I want my legs broken.


But all in all, Im absolutely in love with what I am doing :) I am exhausted physically but in here (my heart), I am rich. I know this is for me. To anyone who is interested to study medicine, think twice, don't enter the field for a wrong reason.

psalm 23...

photography

I've become very excited now whenever I think about shooting. I should briefly share about my passion for photography. It all started 7-8 years ago while I was still a young school kid (ehem at least I was much younger than now). That was before I studied medicine, I thought I would end up being a photographer for the National Geographic Magazines. I was crazy about it, I would go to those photography exhibitions and lingered till someone had to drag me out of it.My first boyfriend who loved me very much then bought me a very expensive SLR, I was the happiest person. That was my first toy.


Back then all cameras were film cameras. I remember carrying my film SLR wherever I went, to the class, the sports day, the weddings, the ceremonies, the funerals, the outdoor adventures, the trips etc...I shot like crazy, and hehe mom paid like crazy too :) the best part was, I only liked black and white films, those films were a few times more expensive than the normal colour films.


Then I kinda stopped shooting since I came to Australia. I dunno why...maybe because I have had other commitments. In that whole time of staying here, I nearly stopped doing everything that I liked. I stopped shooting, stopped painting/sketching, stopped long distance cycling, stopped going for wild adventures.


I did not realize how much I've missed photography until my friend showed me his toys a few weeks ago. Holding his DSLR and telescope lens in my hands, I felt the very raw passion for photography was once again roused.


I wanna do it once again, I wanna do it well, and this time not for myself, but I wanna do it to bless other people.
I wanna shoot ppl and cheer them up, I wanna shoot every single thing around us to remind ourselves that God cares about small things, I wanna shoot the nature to make ppl go like 'WOAaa the Creator of the universe is amazing!'


My another friend Chi Too is a photographer back home. He was one of the very first ppl who inspired me to shoot better photographs, yesterday I went to him like a 3 year old and told him I've found back my passion for photography,I was like 'Did you feel my excitement? Could you see it?!!' , he was like ' yea I can see it oozing out of your orifices.'...awwww


These are some of his recent shots in Papua New Guinea...enjoy :)

...

To my new brother in Christ

I m not sure when you will read this. But you know that this is for you :)

First of all, congratulation! You have made the best decision in ur life. Please dun mind me (or us) keep telling you that you have made the best decision, not that we know your life inside out that we have the ability or rights to say anything about your decisions in life. But it is a truth.

Did you know I was so anxious at the end of the message, when the preacher told us to close our eyes and slip up our hands if anyone among us choose to respond to God's calling? I was praying and praying in my heart, God God! Please give him the courage and faith to take that one step. Please touch him and let him see You!

I felt something in my heart, very strongly, it felt exactly the same when I sat with my unbelieving friend in church 4 months ago as she responded to God. The same feeling told me this time something significant was going to happen.

So I was very tempted to peek what you would do. Would you lift up your hand? My heart was pounding, almost coming out of my mouth.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw the the same old you. Nothing dramatic. You didn't say anything. There was a slight disappointment sinking in my heart. I thought, well, maybe next time. I shouldn't push things....

It was only when the counselor came to you that I knew you DID actually lifted up your hand! Did you see the joy and excitement written all over my face? Did you even see the tears in my eyes? I was overjoyed, my whole heart was praising God for His mercy and grace, for His transforming power, for His sovereignty. I couldn't help but praise God again and again for what He has done for you.

I recall those days when I first met you in medical school. I remember inviting you many times to church, and you jokingly said only if I went to the pub with you. You knew I would not go to the pub with you. Nevertheless I prayed a few times for you. Then we lost contact with each other in the final year. It was only until the beginning of this year when we started working together that we've become close again. Even then you still refused to come to church with me. This time you said coming to pub ain't enough, I had to get myself drunk in order to persuade you.

Even though you might not know it that time, but I've been praying for you. Many times I asked God to open your eyes and let you see that He loves you, to bring you out of darkness to light. You said you admired my positiveness and passion for life. I said you could have the same thing if you accepted it.

You started coming to church with me. Man! You were as anxious as a 5 year old kid going to school for the first day. We were sitting in the car for 10 mins before the service started....It turned out well didn't it? Then you came for a few more times, you started praying and felt Him yourself. Thank you for even praying for me.

It is very amazing to see what God has been doing all along. I believe God has begun His good work in you even way before last Sunday, even before we met each other. He works all things for the good of those who love Him, and called according to His purpose. I am awestruck to see the way He puts things altogether, the way He led you to Him. It was not by accident, but He had you in His mind way back.

I am excited to see what God will do in and through you. I am very privileged to be the one standing next to you at this stage. I am awestruck. Praise God forever and ever :)

simplicity

Today I went to the Show with a friend. We walked past every ride, every stall and every exhibition and then came to the last pavilion anticipating it to be as boring as the previous ones.

It was a flowers exhibition. They built a garden with hundreds of flowers in the middle of the hall. To be honest given that I have absolutely no interest in flowers, it's not surprising that I found the flowers boring . I took a very quick walk around the garden , couldn't wait to get out of the pavilion. At this time I heard a very beautiful music through the PA system. To my surprise as I walked towards the end of the hall , I realized the music wasn't played from a CD, but by a live band.

The band was awesome and they played beautiful music that seemed magical. We no longer wanted to get out but just to sit down and chill out in the midst of it.

As I was appreciating the beauty of the music, a question popped up in my mind (maybe from God, maybe myself). It was just a very simple question, but serious enough to put me in deep thoughts. 'When was the last time I listened to this type of music?'

Maybe 4-5 years ago?...I used to love instrumental/world music and collected many CDs, although they were very pricey. I realized ever since I became a Christian, my preference has slowly shifted to Christian songs. I have lost my interest in any other types of music.

Then another question popped up, ' When was the last time you drew/painted something?', maybe 3-4 years ago? I used carry my sketch book wherever I went , esp when I backpacked. I loved stopping whenever I wanted and just sketched a nice building or a beautiful landscape. I would also spend the whole day at drawing/painting because I was zealous about it.

'When was the last time you shot a beautiful photo?' ...maybe 4-5 years ago. I used to love photography. When I was even younger I wished I was a professional photographer for the National Geographic Magazines.

I loved the nature. Any lil vegetation/insect would attract my attention. I yelled with excitement when I saw rainbows, clouds, sunrise, sunset etc...

Then many many other similar questions popped up. I began to realize i have been so caught up with pursuing/achieving goals that I have lost myself into it. I have pushed myself too hard, wanting to do well in ministry, wanting to be a 'good' believer and role model, wanting to sacrifice myself in order to make everyone (including God) happy...

I have made myself a religious legalist, I set rules and regulations upon myself. Perhaps the things that I have been doing are right, but I am sure this is not how God wants me to live my life.

Today I was reminded that God did not give me Christianity, but He gave me LIFE. Life to the fullest, life in abundance. I wanna live a full life again, not just being caught up with achieving goals. Ministry is never a goal , Christianity is never a religion, relationship with God is never about legalism. Life is so beautiful and eternity is so vast and is beyond my imagination. I dun wanna live my life just chasing one thing after another.

I wanna reuse all the opportunities, all the whatever that God has given me. I wanna let God reactivate all my senses, to see, to hear,to smell, to taste and to feel EVERYTHING in life. I want every drop of my life be saturated with the fullness of God.

I dunno how to put all my thoughts in words. but I am enlightened:)

my suicidal patient

She was teary, depressed and suicidal. I went into the cubicle, grabbed a chair, sat down, and looked into her eyes as she began to tell me her story.

She is a very ordinary middle aged woman, was divorced a few years ago. Since then, she found no meaning in her life; her ex husband abused and divorced her, her children were grown-ups and blamed her for the divorce, she has lost her house and all forms of support. She told me her many experiences of walking on the road and wanting to dash out of the pedestrian path and be run over by the vehicles.

My heart was very heavy when I heard her story. As I told her about God, she said she was 'once' a Christian, used to believe in Jesus until the tragedy in her life. She asked God why me? If YOU are a loving God why did You allow this to happen to me? ...so she lost her faith in God and wandered away.

I did not wanna be like Job's friends who accused Job for his troubles. Neither did I wanna tell her to 'be strong , have faith in God'...because as I was going through my own tough times, I finally came to realize the hurting ppl do not need such advice. When they are blinded by the circumstances, they are blinded. Human beings have no power to be God and lest us try to remove the blindness with our own words. They need a pair of listening ears , a heart that loves and the prayers. In due time, God will make a way through our love, our gentle spirits and our prayers.

So I just listened and listened and listened to her. At the end, all I said was God loves you and prayed for her. Her tears flowed like a flood as I prayed. And you know what happened at the end? She said she felt God's love again, she had been wandering for years, forgetting about God. She believed God had heard her prayer and today she met with God again. She said, of all the doctors, why was it I who saw her? and I happened to be a Christian. She believed it was God. She wanna trust in God again.

At the end I gave her the number of the church.

We hugged each other and said good bye with joy. She did not even need a psychiatric review, because she had no further suicidal intent.

I strongly believe God has called me into this ministry. Where is the church? The church is not in a church building. We are the church.

but why would this happen?

Working in ED has been fun and fulfilling. For some unknown reason, and out of my own choice, I have been seeing paediatric patients in my last few shifts, these little creatures comprised 50-70% of my patient list. Perhaps it is a sign from God? Does He want me to be a paediatrician? Sigh I hope not.


Today there was this 8 month old baby who was super cute, came in after an injury to her head. What so special about this baby is her smile. As if she had been intoxicated with happy gas, nothing seemed to be able to stop her from laughing. She knew no pain in her head, neither did she care about her very dirty and stinky clothes and nappy. Obviously she has not been well looked after by her mom.


From the story told by her mom, I smelt a very small suspicion of child abuse/neglect in it. As I went through the old notes of her last admission to the hospital, I could not help but wept silently. ( not wept wept, but u know, I became teary).


There was a previous notification of child abuse made by a social worker who visited her home. The story goes roughly like this :


' There were cockroaches all over the place, many were dropping from the ceiling.. a few mice running around the house. Their puppy was not toilet trained, there was dog poo and urine on the bed, couch, dining area...There was nothing in the kitchen, only some dry noodles and cereals and unwashed dishes which were there since my last visit...the children (5 of them) were eating uncooked dry noodles and cereal with no milk...The children were wearing the same clothes since my last visit a few days ago...I saw a LIVE cockroach crawling out of the baby's vagina when her mom changed the nappy...the children did not talk, but were hitting/biting each other even myself, but the parents did not correct them.'


........... I was just stunned after reading that report. I know this is not the worst home situation in the world, but it shocked me that it happened in Australia. My heart was very burdened and broken, esp after I saw how gorgeous that baby gal was. My eyes were wet.


For one second I asked God why did this happen even though I know I am too small and unworthy to ask Him this question. Why have I had 50 pairs of shoes and plenty of clothes while this baby gal and her siblings had to wear the unwashed clothes for 1 week? I have had the opportunity to complete my medical degree, what about this child? Would she even go to school in 5 years?


As a professional doctor, I should not show any personal emotion for any patient. But as a Christian, I could not help but be moved in my heart for the unfortunate ones, and all the more I wanna preach the Gospel, all the more I wanna go out there, all the more I wanna see the world changed.


There are billions of ppl out there who are suffering both physical and spiritual poverty, if only all of us could be the ppl that God wants us to be, I believe we will see God's Kingdom on earth. I'm convicted about this.

my portion

My journey with God has been very interesting. I have come to the point where I can truly say, Father, You alone are enough, You alone are my all in all, my portion, my everything. I said the same thing in the past, when I preached and taught the bible, I told everyone that God must be our all in all. But this time it is different.


And God had to take me this far and break me this much in order to show me my hidden agenda. Yes I did love God, but I also loved the provision. I cared more about the gifts rather then the Giver Himself. I loved the blessings, the anointing, the fellowship,the ministry,the fame, the calling, the vision etc. I was a Pharisee, a hypocrite. I loved God, but I loved the whole package of blessings more.


God began to remove them one by one, and each time when He did that, He asked, 'Siew Wai, do you love ME?' it was very difficult and i did not understand why and what He was doing. 'God,why did You ask? Did I not love You?'...at the end, when I was stripped bare and left with nothing, then I realised, I loved God , but I did not love ALL of God. Maybe His hands, maybe His feet, not all.


It was very humbling and difficult in the beginning. When Jesus asked Peter 'Do you love ME' for 3 times, Peter was hurt. But it took the Lord to do this again and again in order to reveal to Peter what true love is. I feel as if I was Peter that God had to try and test me again and again in order to show me, it is easy to say 'Yes I love God' when you have all the provisions, not when you have nothing.


In the beginning of this year when He asked me to let go of things that I held so dearly, He told me 'Siew Wai, I alone will be sufficient for you, I will be your portion and your all in all. ' I did not understand at all.


Now I do understand. Now that He has taken everything from me; I am so broken and poor in spirit and in heart, I have finally had the conviction that 'Yes Father, You are my portion, my all in all.'


Things that were important to me no longer are important to me now. Relationship? Comfort? Ministry? Vision and calling? Anointing?? Yes these are the blessings and are essential, they will surely come because God is delighted in blessing us. But these are no longer my focus. They are not important to me now anymore.


What matters to me now is, God, are You in me and I in You? I want ALL of You. Like marriage, like husband and wife in one, I want and am content to be only having You. I thank You if You give me the blessings and provisions, but even if there is none, I still want You. My whole world has shrunken to only You and I.


Thank You for breaking me and allowing pain and suffering in my life. Without it, I would never come to find my real identity in You. I am poor and broken , yet I am rich and complete. I still cry a lot these days, but now it is with tears of real joy .

I was in the hospital - as a patient

This is gonna sound very funny but it did happen to me. What else? My life has always been filled with stories like this, no wonder my friends call me a clown =)


7pm Thursday, I met up with a very sweet young lady for dinner. I was having a very yummy chicken salad and all of a sudden , I had this very severe abdominal pain, it felt as if a pair of invisible hands were holding both ends of my bowels and squeezing them real hard...I went home, tried to have some rest but the pain just wouldn't go away.


I was in agony and couldn't help but cry and pray the whole night. 10 hours passed, the pain was still there, and became more severe. And I threw up twice.


Well, this is very embarrassing but I have to confess that in the course of this pain I did something very stupid. Initially when the pain was a generalized cramping pain, I thought it was my period cramp so based on my personal experience and limited medical knowledge, I took some NSAIDs and thought it should calm the pain. It did not occur to me that I should NOT have taken the NSAIDs until the pain became a localised epigastric pain, when it is localised epigastric pain, it is very likely to be a gastric problem. I was like 'Oh God, how can I be so dumb?!!! shame on you SW shame on you!'....NSAIDs are contraindicated in gastric, it is utterly unacceptable that a medically trained person would do such thing on herself. I was really quite amused by myself.


Initially I rejected the idea of going to the hospital because I know what the doctors would do to me because that is what I would do to any patients who come in with epigastric pain. I knew they would most probably give me some pain killer and send me home. But at 6 am, the pain was so great that I had to call my colleague.


He rushed to my place (he confessed later that he actually had to wear his dirty clothes because that was what he could grab from the floor in his haste to come over). And guess what? As we were going to the hospital, I realized my medical cover had just expired a few days ago.


So we had to go to the public hospital in town, the very famous hospital where I used to work as a medical student. While waiting for the doctor, we were formulating the standard questions he/she might ask, the possible procedures they might perform and the medicines that they might give. And we have agreed that if they wanted to put up a drip, I would probably let my friend put in the needle because he is very skilled.


As I was lying in one of the cubicles, I heard a very familiar voice. I remember that doc , he gave me a tough time when I did my placement there as medical student. I was sliding down the bed and hiding my face underneath the blanket and whispered to my friend, 'I dun wanna be seen by him.'


My very cheeky friend thought I should have gone to our hospital because i would probably get seen sooner, and one of our good friends was on duty, he can examine me. Nawwww no way! I'd not go back to my own hospital and let anyone whom i know lay one finger on my tummy.


Finally at 8 am, a doctor came. To help saving his time, I went straight to presenting my own history to him. It felt very odd, I present cases to my colleagues/bosses everyday, just that now I was presenting myself. It went like 'I presented with 12 hours of acute onset severe abdo pain 9/10 , started generalised and later localised in epigastrium, colicky in nature. Associated with 2 episodes of vomiting. No diarrhea .........' (I skipped the part where I took NSAIDs out of my stupidity hehe :P)


As soon as he heard my 'case presentation' he knew I was medically trained, and in addition to that , it gave him a good laugh when we introduced ourselves as interns working in the EMERGENCY DEPT of another hospital. What an irony, he smiled and said.


So, the nurse came to give me some injection in my bum. I jab many patients everyday, I assure you that it certainly did not feel good to be at the receiving end.


Just like what I predicted, they gave me some pain killer and a medical certificate, and sent me home.


What a wonderful experience to be a patient in the Emergency dept while I myself am currently working at the emergency dept of another hospital. My friend just could not stop laughing at me while he drove me home and he promised he would circulate the story amongst our colleagues and give everyone a good laugh =) If he ever does that, I will thank him by telling everyone he looked like a porn star in the clothes that he wore in a haste, the V neck jumper without anything underneath :P

KL

I was randomly browsing the class blog, suddenly feel like putting up some old pictures.

These are some of the pictures we took in KL in July...These folks are my childhood friends, we have known each other since highschool in1994..........phew ( man, that's 13 years ago...i began to have cold sweat when i think about how MATURE i am now)

I am not sure if any of these mates come to my blog. but i wanna tell them i really miss them.

finally finally finally

And finally….


I am back!


Just a lil bit of update since my last post, it has been 5-6 weeks since I got back from Malaysia and many things have been going on since then, and seriously I have no idea about where to start :)
(I realise I said the same thing all the time)


Well, my life has been packed with tests and trials from God in the last few months, yet it can be summarised into a few sentences, i.e.:


1. God tested/tried/disciplined me again and again, sometimes to the point I felt I had no more strength to go on (literally felt like giving up my life, but don’t worry, it was just a very transient thought :P),


2. yet God has been faithful to sustain me.


3. By taking away ALL my sources of strength, comfort and security, He taught me to find strength directly from Him.


4. He removed ALL the distracting factors and streamlined my focus on the things that He has called me to.


5. He has begun His work of breaking me down in order to rebuild a better me.


….hmm hehe I wish the real process could be as short and simple as the few sentences above, even though it is not. I asked God, ‘How long more??!! Very painful You know?’ ; God said, ‘ Until you have finally become like Christ.’


Trust me, it is very ( very very x100) painful when God breaks us, and I believe all my brothers and sisters in Christ have had/will have similar experience with God, maybe through different circumstances. Yet I believe God does not do nothing without a wise objective behind. I believe at the end of the day, God will accomplish what He wants to, and I will become more like Christ!


It is a very good deal; God is like doing me a very big favour. Think about that, for every big examination, we pay the school/college/organisation a big amount of exam fees in order to sit the exam and get the certificate. But in the case of God, He initiates the tests, He sets up the scenes and equipments, He writes the exam questions, He sits with us throughout the whole examination and even holds our hands to write the answers. All we have to do is just to personally sit the exam, no fees required. And as if that’s not enough to describe His goodness, He makes sure we pass the exam with flying colours.


The more I think about this real good deal, the more I feel I can go through the tests.


Now I am able to laugh :)))))), not because the circumstances have changed, but my eyes are open to see the unseen. Yay, I am more than a conqueror, maybe the next minute I won’t FEEL like it but what the heck, the FACT is God has made me more than a conqueror. The enemy is the loser, big time loser.

holiday!!

:) finally i m on holiday now. yay, i m finally back in KL, my home sweet home. I have been dreaming about this moment.One month ago since I made the sudden decision to take all my annual leave to come home, my heart started pounding every time I thought of home. For nearly a month I had insomnia because whenever I lay in bed and closed my eyes , I visualised my family, the food, the shopping, the ppl in KL..


Ok, the last time when I was back here was just 6 months ago. But this time it feels very different, a 2week-break back home comes very timely after 6 months of heavy labour.
And this time I feel different , for the first time I feel that I am an independent grown up in front of my parents because I am making my own income now. It feels very right and good to show my parents I am able to look after them as well as myself.


So everyone is good here including Brownie. Surprisingly this time she didnt bark at me. In the past few years whenever I came back to Malaysia, she usually barked at me the moment I stepped into the house, and it usually took her a good 5 mins to recognise me. We've concluded that she might have dementia. I am very glad to see her this time, for fear I might not see her next year because she is already 10 years old...


Mom and dad are really good and as cool as usual. Dad's blood pressure and mom's blood sugar have worried me a bit, otherwise they seem to be happier and younger than before.It took me a while to convince him to comply with his blood pressure lowering medicine. Mom has been behaving herself that she has cut back on sugar . I am relieved to see that they have been living a very healthy life that is balanced between work, rest, healthy diet and abundant social events.


My bro and his gf are still the same, hopefully getting married next year. My brother adores his two younger sisters like no one else :) At home he plays like an 18 year old kid with us ; at work he leads the company like an authoritative boss. This man was the kid who fought with me and gave me a nose bleed after a punch in my nose. Now he is the young boss who has expanded my dad's business, very soon he will take over the business . I m proud of him :)


My sister...my sister :) To this day it is still difficult to believe this baby is already 20. I have been spending all my time with her since arrival. I can't control it but keep telling her how cute and beautiful she is, to the point where she gets bored of my compliments.


I am so blessed with a family like this. I believe my Lord has heard my prayer and cry day and night, I strongly believe my family will be saved eventually. This is a blessed family, united by love , yet it will be even better if all of us bow down and worship the Lord. Many times I close my eyes and in my imagination I see mom and dad pray for us, then tears roll down my cheeks and intense pain eats my heart away. When , when will my family come to the Lord? I will not give up , and pray until the day they are saved.


Well, in my next post I will try putting up some pictures. Brb :)

Where is the safest place in this world?

Since very very young I have always had a feeling of insecurity. When I was 2 (I could remember thing as far as the age of 2 :> ) I knew I was alone when my parents brought my older brother overseas and left me with my aunt. I still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness and loneliness when I woke up from an afternoon nap and found out my parents had left home for holiday, I was just 2 years old.

Then as I slowly grew up, I grew up with a strong feeling that I did not belong to this world. I was constantly surrounded by ppl / materials/ events, yet deep down I felt detached from any human being or anything or any place in this world. For this reason I used to traveled/ backpacked a lot and journaled on trains/buses/planes.. I remember I wrote something like this on the train: I feel like I am a premature chick who can barely fly/walk because my wings and legs are not developed, I am ditched in an ocean and drowned because I can't swim, I don't belong to the ocean...

And tadaaa! Guess what, I found God. And I learned that it is real that I don't belong to this world, that's why I had that strong feeling of being detached from this world.

So a long time ago I asked God the same old question that I used to think about. God, is there a place that is safe and secure in this world?

God answered, no, there is no place safe enough to make you feel secure. The only place that is safe and secure is the place where you have the most intimate communion with ME.

Since then I became convicted that no matter where I go, up to the heavens, the far side of the sea, the end of the earth... and even if I am alone, I shall feel safe and secure because I know there is no safe place in the world, the only safe place is the place where I have closest communion with God.

Just a spontaneous posting :)

As I was driving...

God basically speaks to us and teaches us all the time, if we open our ears we will hear it clearly.

Just last Tuesday I had a meeting with a couple who live somewhere down south. The hospital that I work in is far north, therefore going to their house means I gotta travel from north to south.

So I drove for almost one hour to get there after my work. I remember it was a cold rainy night. I was extremely tired and hungry that night, and having been in a very tough and challenging season in my personal life did not help at all. Worst still, being unfamiliar with the southern suburbs and going on the wrong roads,I was completely lost in my way . I gotta pull over many times to search in the directory. Not to mention I was definitely late for the meeting.

Finally I went on the right highway which was pitch dark and curvy. I began to break down in tears and told God I could not take it anymore. My life, my season, my struggles, my circumstances, my weariness have worn me out. And man,I was physically exhausted and hungry, out there it was dark, cold and raining, I had no idea where I was going, not even sure if that was the right highway. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.

At that point God taught me a very precious and practical lesson.

I remember on that highway, even though there were no lamp posts at the road side nor was there any other vehicles at all , there were numerous small metal plates nailed to the road between lanes. These metal plates reflected the light of my car and made the small stretch of road that was 5 metres ahead of me brightly lit, and I could barely see anything further than 5 meters because the rest of the road remained buried in darkness. For every 5 meters that I traveled, the next 5 meters of the road became visible to me and so on. I tried looking further but I became terrified because all I could see was mere darkness, and worst still my car nearly went off the lane when I tried looking at the side/too far ahead because the road was very curvy.

God told me yes this is the way I work in your life. I AM the lamp to your feet and the light to your path. I give you light and that light is sufficient for you to move your next step in your journey. It is step by step and after each step you will see the light ahead of you that brings you to the next step. Trust in ME and the light that's given to you, just like how the reflection on metal plates is sufficient for you to move 5 metres ahead. Try to look too far ahead and you will only see darkness and be terrified. Walk by MY light and you will reach there safely.

Awesome! Finally I really did arrive safely at my friend's place and was welcomed with the warmest love and kindness. I no longer remembered the sorrow that hit me while I was on my way. And I remember going there feeling like a defeated loser and coming back on the SAME highway singing praises to God like a overcoming victor.

It is just like our journey with God. Although life is full of dangers and darkness, yet God gives us light and brings us safely there, step by step. At the end of the journey, God stands like the host of the house and greets us with the warmest love just like what my friends did to me at the doorstep. At that instance, we will no longer remember the pain of the journey.

The road has been dark? Does not matter anymore. God's light is sufficient to help me move on. The road was curvy? Yes, bring it on , it is as exciting and fun as roller coaster.
The future is buried in darkness? Who cares and why care to search intensely something that we cant see? Travel well for the next 5 meters or our 'cars' will go off the lane and crash.
Give up and go backward? Uhuh then we will NEVER reach there.

We will all get there. The Lord stands there waiting for us. Amen.

Have I been well?

No and yes.

Basically in the past few weeks/months I have been stretched by God to the point of breaking (well, it was not like God gave me some tests that He knew I would be failed). So it was not God's problem at all. God has every right to stretch /test every individual and when He does that He actually has enabled that person to overcome it beforehand.

So to cut the veryvery long story short, I did break down in front of God and I did that quite a number of times. God has been gracious to me. I will not share here what I have been going thru, because that is not important at all. My circumstances and challenges are not the centre of my point.

My point is, God is still good. And His goodness is beyond any description. But once you have tasted it, you will never forget. I have tasted it many many times. That is something that keeps me going.

So, my answer to my own question is, No I was not well then. But yes , now I am all good. And ready to strike again. hehe :) stay tuned

this girl

She has been my best fren for 3 years. True enough, we meet different ppl in different stages of life. My best friend in kindergarten was no longer my best friend in primary school; and my best buddy in primary school has become a stranger now...and well, I met wonderful ppl and they came in my life and left when it was time to move on. Therefore I have had many 'best friends' even though they may not be one now. And all of them are irreplaceable.

As for ivy, she is too special. Even as I am typing now I can't hold my tears. I can't imagine how things will be after she leaves. I started to number all the days left since the beginning. I can't bear to think about not having her in my life anymore.

Now I know it sounds as though she was my BOYFRIEND. Not true.

Not even one man would be able to comprehend that love between 2 sisters in Christ.

God is very serious in His business of training me. He never lets me rest and I know that's because He knows I can go thru this by His grace.

One wave comes after another and one is taller than another. All the while Chris and Ivy have been my two most important support in my walk with God, like two strings pulling me on each side so that I stand vertically . I guess after breaking up with Chris, and now 'breaking up' with Ivy, God wants me to be all by myself and Him alone. I feel that I am in serious training now. I know I am living a life like a 'pseudo'-missionary at this stage. What's next? I am not afraid cuz nothing else would scare me anymore. Not even death I guess..

I have nothing left for me. Just You, God. Just You....