Then I made myself sit down to analyse/discover myself. Many things happened in the past months and I have not done that for a while.
And while I was doing that God began to speak to me. Yes I did the test, I gotta know who I am at this stage, and subsequently I listed the top 5 weaknesses in my life. I always knew I have got these issues in my life, it is not like i did not know myself. Preachers and bible teachers always ask us to list down our strengths and weaknesses, I myself as a leader urged my members to do that as well. But this time is different. After doing that, I felt something deep inside me has woken up , from being slumber for ages. I felt a gush of fresh air and fresh oil poured down in my heart and it was entirely drenched in the freshness. I felt the awakening has caused every cell in my body to leap in joy and passion again.
I know it's very hard to imagine but that was exactly how I felt. I felt like dancing, shouting, grabbing someone in her/his arm and say Hey, I have woken up again. My Father has pulled me up again.
It has been too long that I lived by those weaknesses/issues in my life. I thought to myself, well, no one is perfect and it is ok to be imperfect. So yea, I knew I had the issues, but I was just too lazy to bring that up. Day by day they have slowly become part of me and I am so comfortable with being compromised, so contented in becoming the 2nd best.
Too long, it has been too long that I allowed myself to be the door mat and let the enemy (the devil) make his way in and out and step on me, trample over me under his feet.
A sick person will run to a doctor only if he/she agrees he/she is sick. God has tolerated me for a long time, and today as I declared it, something new took place. I wanna again allow the blood of the Lamb to wash me all over, I wanna let grace be grace.
God has begun His process of disciplining me, yet even His discipline is sweet, and His hands are gracious, because He breaks me down now in order to rebuild me to become stronger. I said He was gracious because He breaks me before the enemy (the devil) has any opportunity to do that to me. He disciplines me before I stumble in the face of my enemy. It is safe to fall before my Lord, fall at His feet, and He will reach His hand out for me. If I have to die, I'd rather die in Jesus than in the hand of my enemy.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
a revelation (1)
AW Tozer preached in one of his sermons about the importance of self-judgment.
'almost all men live from childhood to death behind a semiopaque curtain, coming out briefly only when forced by some emotional shock and then retreating as quickly as possible into hiding again.'
He told of some rules for self-discovery that I find quite relevant.
1. What we want most.
2. What we think about most.
3. How we use our money( exclude the necessities of life)
4. What we do with our leisure time.
5. The company(ppl) we enjoy.
6. Whom and what we admire.
7. What we laugh at.
'almost all men live from childhood to death behind a semiopaque curtain, coming out briefly only when forced by some emotional shock and then retreating as quickly as possible into hiding again.'
He told of some rules for self-discovery that I find quite relevant.
1. What we want most.
2. What we think about most.
3. How we use our money( exclude the necessities of life)
4. What we do with our leisure time.
5. The company(ppl) we enjoy.
6. Whom and what we admire.
7. What we laugh at.
Monday, January 22, 2007
the 4th night - my first lesson
It's my 4th night in the hospital. Right now I am very sad because one of my patients has gone very sick and might not make it anymore. I think I am responsible for her deterioration. I think I made a mistake in the treatment decision for her. My colleagues and senior doctors said her decompensation was the result of all the medical and surgical problems that she's been having. What I did was not the culprit, even though it was one of the contributing factors for her condition.
But I don't believe it. I think I made the mistake.
She is a very frail lil old lady, very old. I remember 2 weeks ago when she first came in , I put a drip in her arm, and she was still fit and smiling. I put in one but that one did not work, I apologised to her and she said 'It's ok, you gotta learn and try again.' She was smiling all the way. I remember she has got a lil soft toy by her side when she slept. Before I left she said she did not wanna be alone. I told her she was not alone, and I would come back to see her. Then I cuddled her and held her hand. ....Then I left her room , and became so busy afterward that I forgot to say hi to her again.
Today when I saw her again I couldnt help but cried at her bedside. She was so sick and in coma that she did not respond to any stimuli, her mouth was wide open and after every now and then she would grasp for air. Her lil soft toy was still next to her, but this time she wasn't holding it in her arm. Her whole body was puffy because of the fluid that I gave her. I gave it to her too quickly , too much, her body could not take it and went into this end stage deterioration.
I cant get rid of the scenes, they just keep flashing through my mind. The scene that I cuddled her and she hugged me back tightly, and the scene that she said she did not wanna be alone and I said you are not alone, I will come back to see you...but I did not go back because I forgot to. The scene that she smiled and said I gotta learn and try again and waved byebye...The scene that she held her soft toy in her arms while she slept...
A lot of ppl have asked me in the past, if I ever had any patient who passed away and how I felt about that. I have seen patients died , but they were not my patients. Now I really feel it because it was my mistake that contributed to her deterioration.
My first lesson, my first painful experience and I will never forget this lesson...No wonder they said every doctor would certainly 'kill' a few patients indirectly , in one way or another during their training years.
But I don't believe it. I think I made the mistake.
She is a very frail lil old lady, very old. I remember 2 weeks ago when she first came in , I put a drip in her arm, and she was still fit and smiling. I put in one but that one did not work, I apologised to her and she said 'It's ok, you gotta learn and try again.' She was smiling all the way. I remember she has got a lil soft toy by her side when she slept. Before I left she said she did not wanna be alone. I told her she was not alone, and I would come back to see her. Then I cuddled her and held her hand. ....Then I left her room , and became so busy afterward that I forgot to say hi to her again.
Today when I saw her again I couldnt help but cried at her bedside. She was so sick and in coma that she did not respond to any stimuli, her mouth was wide open and after every now and then she would grasp for air. Her lil soft toy was still next to her, but this time she wasn't holding it in her arm. Her whole body was puffy because of the fluid that I gave her. I gave it to her too quickly , too much, her body could not take it and went into this end stage deterioration.
I cant get rid of the scenes, they just keep flashing through my mind. The scene that I cuddled her and she hugged me back tightly, and the scene that she said she did not wanna be alone and I said you are not alone, I will come back to see you...but I did not go back because I forgot to. The scene that she smiled and said I gotta learn and try again and waved byebye...The scene that she held her soft toy in her arms while she slept...
A lot of ppl have asked me in the past, if I ever had any patient who passed away and how I felt about that. I have seen patients died , but they were not my patients. Now I really feel it because it was my mistake that contributed to her deterioration.
My first lesson, my first painful experience and I will never forget this lesson...No wonder they said every doctor would certainly 'kill' a few patients indirectly , in one way or another during their training years.
Friday, January 19, 2007
Interesting comments..+ my personal point of view
I have been following the reports on BBC about Mr Bush's NEW strategy in Iraq, and I came across the comments of readers about the troop boost plan. I find some of them quite amusing :
'Blair and Bush are despised. The problem is, they both say they are supported by each others' countries - the only feasible justification left for their endless arrogance. Blair would look such a fool if Bush told the truth and said he didn't need him any more, and Bush would just as surely look even more of an idiot if Blair told the truth and said he only supported Bush because he thought the rest of the world would too. Isolate these two headless chickens and you isolate the problem in Iraq.'
'Bush and the USA should admit that the Iraq war is the greatest mistake in US history. They should then go to the UN and ask for international troops (300,000 at least) pay for them and then depart Iraq as soon as the UN troops arrive. In paralel China and India should urgently help develop and excecute an economic reconstruction plan for Iraq.That is the only way to peace.The US citizens then should decide if Bush and others responsible need to be tried for war crimes.'
'The invasion of Iraq has nothing to do with freedom, security, or democracy. It's an attempt by U.S. imperialism to maintain a foothold in the Eurasian continent for the sake of natural resources that benefit primarily the constituants of this corrupt american government. The american people voted for a democratic congress to voice their opposition to the war. Bush has made it clear that the voice of the people doesn't matter. Absolute power has corrupted this regime absolutely.'
........and there are a lot more. Most ppl hold opposing opinions against this so-called 'new plan' which certainly does not sound new to me.
What can I say about the world which is chaotic and has probably gone insane? What can I do about the violence in Iraq? What about the chaos in Middle East? What about Somalia?
Living in this world, I consistently have mixed feelings of despair and hope. To my despair, the world is in the process of decay; to my hope, my Lord Jesus has promised to come again, and all this chaos that's been happening has rightly fulfilled what the Bible prophesies, that means our Lord may come soon.
Well, the world is so big, yet it is so small. Right now I am sitting in a cosy, comfy and air-conditioned room in a developed country .I am physically so far from any part of the world. The problems of the world do not seem to bother me in the least. Yet through the internet I am reading the reports about the ppl who do not see the hope of tomorrow,whose lives may be lost in a split second. I feel I am close to them.
Lives are lost at a horrible rate in today's world, in my opinion, Gospel must be spread quickly because we are in a fierce battle against the enemy, namely Satan.
( Did I sound too serious? Hehe ... Enough of save-the-world speech. I'd better get back to my work now before my "boss" i.e the nurses yell)
'Blair and Bush are despised. The problem is, they both say they are supported by each others' countries - the only feasible justification left for their endless arrogance. Blair would look such a fool if Bush told the truth and said he didn't need him any more, and Bush would just as surely look even more of an idiot if Blair told the truth and said he only supported Bush because he thought the rest of the world would too. Isolate these two headless chickens and you isolate the problem in Iraq.'
'Bush and the USA should admit that the Iraq war is the greatest mistake in US history. They should then go to the UN and ask for international troops (300,000 at least) pay for them and then depart Iraq as soon as the UN troops arrive. In paralel China and India should urgently help develop and excecute an economic reconstruction plan for Iraq.That is the only way to peace.The US citizens then should decide if Bush and others responsible need to be tried for war crimes.'
'The invasion of Iraq has nothing to do with freedom, security, or democracy. It's an attempt by U.S. imperialism to maintain a foothold in the Eurasian continent for the sake of natural resources that benefit primarily the constituants of this corrupt american government. The american people voted for a democratic congress to voice their opposition to the war. Bush has made it clear that the voice of the people doesn't matter. Absolute power has corrupted this regime absolutely.'
........and there are a lot more. Most ppl hold opposing opinions against this so-called 'new plan' which certainly does not sound new to me.
What can I say about the world which is chaotic and has probably gone insane? What can I do about the violence in Iraq? What about the chaos in Middle East? What about Somalia?
Living in this world, I consistently have mixed feelings of despair and hope. To my despair, the world is in the process of decay; to my hope, my Lord Jesus has promised to come again, and all this chaos that's been happening has rightly fulfilled what the Bible prophesies, that means our Lord may come soon.
Well, the world is so big, yet it is so small. Right now I am sitting in a cosy, comfy and air-conditioned room in a developed country .I am physically so far from any part of the world. The problems of the world do not seem to bother me in the least. Yet through the internet I am reading the reports about the ppl who do not see the hope of tomorrow,whose lives may be lost in a split second. I feel I am close to them.
Lives are lost at a horrible rate in today's world, in my opinion, Gospel must be spread quickly because we are in a fierce battle against the enemy, namely Satan.
( Did I sound too serious? Hehe ... Enough of save-the-world speech. I'd better get back to my work now before my "boss" i.e the nurses yell)
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Shoulder ache
This morning I was woken up by an intense pain in my right shoulder as I moved it. It was quite a horrible experience because I've never had this pain in my shoulder before. I was quite surprised that thousands of things could flash thru my mind within a few seconds in the midst of my sleep.
'Oh, this is tendonitis! The symptoms are exactly the same with what I learned!'
'My God! I can only lift up my arm to a certain degree! How am I gonna work tomorrow? How do I take blood and do procedures to the patients...'
'I am still young! I still wanna play lotsa sports...I wanna do gymwork, I wanna resume road biking, I wanna climb more mountains, I wanna play badminton, I wanna swim etcetc...and I wanna continue to play drums and learn the guitar...awwww how am I gonna do it now? How am I gonna do it now? '
'I can't take anti-inflammatory drugs because I've got weak stomach from drinking too much coffee. Awww...that means I have to cut down my coffee! And from tmrw onward I will work overnight for 7 nights, that is bad BAD for my stomach as well.....
(shoulder ache) versus (gastric pain+NO coffee)? Awwwwwww I am not gonna take anti-inflammatory drugs.'
***
Then God began to speak through His Word (the Bible) as I flipped to one of the pages.
Isaiah 41:13 -14 ' "For I AM the Lord , your God,who takes hold of your RIGHT HAND and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I Myself will help you," declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One.'
Wowwww...He mentioned my RIGHT HAND, did you see, my RIGHT HAND! I was quite excited and amused when I read that, because it was my right arm that ached. My God cares about me, even before I prayed.
And yea, God was not wrong at all to call me worm and little...my faith was as little as a worm, until He spoke to me.Well, I am just a human...mortal and imperfect.
So, I know all things will turn out well. I know I will be alright, maybe God is using this to warn me about my coffee intake... =)
(To be continued...)
'Oh, this is tendonitis! The symptoms are exactly the same with what I learned!'
'My God! I can only lift up my arm to a certain degree! How am I gonna work tomorrow? How do I take blood and do procedures to the patients...'
'I am still young! I still wanna play lotsa sports...I wanna do gymwork, I wanna resume road biking, I wanna climb more mountains, I wanna play badminton, I wanna swim etcetc...and I wanna continue to play drums and learn the guitar...awwww how am I gonna do it now? How am I gonna do it now? '
'I can't take anti-inflammatory drugs because I've got weak stomach from drinking too much coffee. Awww...that means I have to cut down my coffee! And from tmrw onward I will work overnight for 7 nights, that is bad BAD for my stomach as well.....
(shoulder ache) versus (gastric pain+NO coffee)? Awwwwwww I am not gonna take anti-inflammatory drugs.'
***
Then God began to speak through His Word (the Bible) as I flipped to one of the pages.
Isaiah 41:13 -14 ' "For I AM the Lord , your God,who takes hold of your RIGHT HAND and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I Myself will help you," declares the Lord, your Redeemer, the Holy One.'
Wowwww...He mentioned my RIGHT HAND, did you see, my RIGHT HAND! I was quite excited and amused when I read that, because it was my right arm that ached. My God cares about me, even before I prayed.
And yea, God was not wrong at all to call me worm and little...my faith was as little as a worm, until He spoke to me.Well, I am just a human...mortal and imperfect.
So, I know all things will turn out well. I know I will be alright, maybe God is using this to warn me about my coffee intake... =)
(To be continued...)
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
Part 4: New Career
I have gone through a couple of days of orientation to the hospital system, protocols and guidelines. It wasn't like those orientation progams of highschool or colleges packed with events. Our orientation consisted of multi-disciplinary seminars. The very fun part was about disaster management. We were brought outside the hospital and taught to use the fire extinguisher. It was for the first time in my life that I put out a fire (made for practice purposes) with a fire extinguisher.
How do I feel about being a real doctor? The only thing I can say now is, MY BRAIN IS BLANK AFTER 6 YEARS OF MED SCHOOL. The best part is, I am gonna start on night shift, which means I will be on my own in the department . This time I feel I am really thrown into the deep sea to learn to swim all by myself. The shift starts from 8pm through to 9am the next morning and I will work 7 nights in a row per week for 3 months. The good thing is, I get every alternate week off after every 7 nights.
Tonight I am gonna have my first night shift with the outgoing intern.
Well, it is not all that bad at all. I am generally very excited and happy. I know God has planned everything for me, I have learned to appreciate what He gives me and I need not to worry at all. Everything comes timely around this time of the year. New year, new accommodation, new carreer, new lifestyle...and I have lived a 1/4 of a century. It very well serves as a brand new start of the next phase of my life.
I am excited :)
How do I feel about being a real doctor? The only thing I can say now is, MY BRAIN IS BLANK AFTER 6 YEARS OF MED SCHOOL. The best part is, I am gonna start on night shift, which means I will be on my own in the department . This time I feel I am really thrown into the deep sea to learn to swim all by myself. The shift starts from 8pm through to 9am the next morning and I will work 7 nights in a row per week for 3 months. The good thing is, I get every alternate week off after every 7 nights.
Tonight I am gonna have my first night shift with the outgoing intern.
Well, it is not all that bad at all. I am generally very excited and happy. I know God has planned everything for me, I have learned to appreciate what He gives me and I need not to worry at all. Everything comes timely around this time of the year. New year, new accommodation, new carreer, new lifestyle...and I have lived a 1/4 of a century. It very well serves as a brand new start of the next phase of my life.
I am excited :)
Part 3: New house
I have finally shifted into the new place.
It was just a few months ago that we started praying for a house. We wanted a place that is near OCF and church so that we may open the house for the meetings of OCF and church members. We wanted to make it a shelter, a place of rest and peace for any friend who needs a break. Therefore we prayed for a house of a good location and size.
In just less than 5 mins after we prayed, we received a phone call from a friend asking us to check out a house for rent. To our amazement, the house is located just directly opposite of where we ususally meet for OCF, and it is just a few mins walk from the city centre. The garage is quite large which is nice for my car and we are gonna spare some room in it to keep the musical instruments of OCF. We saw that this house would fulfil the purpose of serving God and the people.
The house is fully furnished at a very affordable rent.
What more amazing is, one of tenants who is staying on with us now is not a believer of Christ. Our relationship with her is so good that she has been coming to church with us for weeks.
The mircale of how we got this house is truly a humbling experience to me. It is exactly similar to how I got my car. In both cases, I learned one thing, that is to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness , and all these things will be given to us. Infact, He has given me abundantly, more than what I asked for.
If our hearts are right and what we ask for is to serve His people, I don't see any reason why God would refrain from distributing His grace and provision unto us. And the end result is always a win-win situation.
***
Tada~~~ now I am presenting my favourite corner of the bedroom. I gave away most of the furniture in my room and bought a few pieces from IKEA. Finally I have had a taste of designing my own room. Everyday after work I just can't wait to come home...
It is still messy, boxes of books are still piling on the floor because the very cool black bookcase has not arrived yet :)
It was just a few months ago that we started praying for a house. We wanted a place that is near OCF and church so that we may open the house for the meetings of OCF and church members. We wanted to make it a shelter, a place of rest and peace for any friend who needs a break. Therefore we prayed for a house of a good location and size.
In just less than 5 mins after we prayed, we received a phone call from a friend asking us to check out a house for rent. To our amazement, the house is located just directly opposite of where we ususally meet for OCF, and it is just a few mins walk from the city centre. The garage is quite large which is nice for my car and we are gonna spare some room in it to keep the musical instruments of OCF. We saw that this house would fulfil the purpose of serving God and the people.
The house is fully furnished at a very affordable rent.
What more amazing is, one of tenants who is staying on with us now is not a believer of Christ. Our relationship with her is so good that she has been coming to church with us for weeks.
The mircale of how we got this house is truly a humbling experience to me. It is exactly similar to how I got my car. In both cases, I learned one thing, that is to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness , and all these things will be given to us. Infact, He has given me abundantly, more than what I asked for.
If our hearts are right and what we ask for is to serve His people, I don't see any reason why God would refrain from distributing His grace and provision unto us. And the end result is always a win-win situation.
***
Tada~~~ now I am presenting my favourite corner of the bedroom. I gave away most of the furniture in my room and bought a few pieces from IKEA. Finally I have had a taste of designing my own room. Everyday after work I just can't wait to come home...
It is still messy, boxes of books are still piling on the floor because the very cool black bookcase has not arrived yet :)
Part 2: Life after graduation
I went through a difficult period of adjustment after the convocation. It was worse esp after my parents and sister went back to KL, all of a sudden I felt as if I was left alone in this foreign land again.
Suddenly the whole 3 years I spent here and the relationships that I have built in Adelaide did not seem to matter to me anymore. I began to ask myself this question again, 'Why am I staying here? ... I don't belong here , neither do I fit in the community of Malaysia. Where am I going from here?'
Worse still, I was homeless for two weeks after my parents left because the previous tenant was still living at this current place of mine. I could not move in until he moved out of the place.
As if that wasn't enough to cause me pain, my most beloved and favourite racing bike was stolen while I wasn't around for 1 month.
And this 2 weeks of homelessness+homesickness was like some sort of waiting period before I started my new career. Deep down in my heart I was rather reluctant to move on to this phase of my life.
It was very depressing...
***
In retrospect, I guess my problem was that I've excluded God out of the picture. The feeling of depression and hopelessness had been very well known to my brain for 21 years, it felt as if there was no tomorrow. The moment it hit me again I knew it was because I was far far away from my God.
I had to come back to Him asap because the weight of my heart was unbearable.
NOW I AM BACK ON TRACK.
I know God has a plan for everything. The process of being homeless, homesick and waiting to start a new career was actually ordained by Him to draw me closer to Him. When I fail to prioritise Him in my life, He will make sure He gets my attention, and that works well for me all the time. My God knows me :)
Suddenly the whole 3 years I spent here and the relationships that I have built in Adelaide did not seem to matter to me anymore. I began to ask myself this question again, 'Why am I staying here? ... I don't belong here , neither do I fit in the community of Malaysia. Where am I going from here?'
Worse still, I was homeless for two weeks after my parents left because the previous tenant was still living at this current place of mine. I could not move in until he moved out of the place.
As if that wasn't enough to cause me pain, my most beloved and favourite racing bike was stolen while I wasn't around for 1 month.
And this 2 weeks of homelessness+homesickness was like some sort of waiting period before I started my new career. Deep down in my heart I was rather reluctant to move on to this phase of my life.
It was very depressing...
***
In retrospect, I guess my problem was that I've excluded God out of the picture. The feeling of depression and hopelessness had been very well known to my brain for 21 years, it felt as if there was no tomorrow. The moment it hit me again I knew it was because I was far far away from my God.
I had to come back to Him asap because the weight of my heart was unbearable.
NOW I AM BACK ON TRACK.
I know God has a plan for everything. The process of being homeless, homesick and waiting to start a new career was actually ordained by Him to draw me closer to Him. When I fail to prioritise Him in my life, He will make sure He gets my attention, and that works well for me all the time. My God knows me :)
Saturday, January 06, 2007
Lets begin here - part 1: Graduation
Yeah, I know I have gone missing for a month. Just in case anyone may be interested,I'd better post something now.
My graduation went very well. Well, of course it went well, the university is very good at doing this. The only part that I personally did not quite agree was when the Health Minister said to us medical and dental graduates, ' You are the brightest and most intelligent among your generation.'
If the engineers heard this they would certainly be ticked off. I shall be very careful now because many of the visitors to my blog are engineers.
The most commonly asked question was ,' What do you feel about your graduation?'
My answer will be ,' Awwwwww I can no longer skip class or sleep in anymore!!!! I wanna be a student..'
Yea, the good part of graduation is that I am no longer a student, yet this is also the bad part of it. I enjoy making my own income, yet I lose some degree of freedom. I enjoy being treated as an adult, yet I hate to face the real world. I enjoy growing mature, but I don't like the ageing process.
What lies ahead of me? I shall share more when I get there.
Anyway, thank you Heavenly Father, thank you my papa and mama.
To be continued...
My graduation went very well. Well, of course it went well, the university is very good at doing this. The only part that I personally did not quite agree was when the Health Minister said to us medical and dental graduates, ' You are the brightest and most intelligent among your generation.'
If the engineers heard this they would certainly be ticked off. I shall be very careful now because many of the visitors to my blog are engineers.
The most commonly asked question was ,' What do you feel about your graduation?'
My answer will be ,' Awwwwww I can no longer skip class or sleep in anymore!!!! I wanna be a student..'
Yea, the good part of graduation is that I am no longer a student, yet this is also the bad part of it. I enjoy making my own income, yet I lose some degree of freedom. I enjoy being treated as an adult, yet I hate to face the real world. I enjoy growing mature, but I don't like the ageing process.
What lies ahead of me? I shall share more when I get there.
Anyway, thank you Heavenly Father, thank you my papa and mama.
To be continued...
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