I was baptised on 30th Aug, 2003.
I was telling everyone whom I met today that it was my 3rd year anniversary with my God :)
This is my journal dated 29th Aug 2003, the day before my baptism:
'' It's my baptism tomorrow, I m very thrilled yet peaceful in my heart. It is indescribable. I love you Father, and I wanna let the whole world know I love You. Tomorrow my family will come to the baptism. I will give my testimony in the church, I want to let mom know how much You have changed me, mom will know my decision is right, and know that You love her.
You have saved me, because of You I have the real joy in my heart. Wow, tomorrow I will be Your bride my Lord!! I can't wait till tomorrow. I love You, tonight I will surely smile in my dream.''
I still remember the whole ceremony. I was in the pool, the church members sang praises to God, my family except for dad was present. The pastor asked me something which I can't remember now. Then I was immersed into the water and quickly brought up again out of the water.
The whole thing was very brief, yet it felt as if I had truly gone thru the death and resurrection.
(Now I m just wondering how glorious it must have been, at Jesus' baptism, the heaven was opened and the Spirit descended like a dove and lighting on Him, and God said ' This is my Son,whom I love, with Him I Am well pleased.')
And after that time zoomed...3 years have passed. Many more years will come, I pray that I will continue to feel excited about my baptism even 50 years later.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
the birth of a dream
I cant contain it , I must write this! All my cells are praising God, for His perfect timing,His provision and His sovereignty...
Today I celebrate the birth of a dream. I call it the M&M project. What is it? It means Missionaries Maker project.
I remember 2 years ago God called me to be a full time missionary; 1 yr ago He started giving me the burden for Chinese students in Australia, I began to wanna start a Chinese OCF to cater to the Chinese students; I also wanted to form a mission trip for OCF.However the projects were delayed because we have been too stretched with man power, I was just busy building up OCF.
I never saw how these 3 things could link. Today God has let me see it!
See, when I step down from presidency, I will start the M&M project. We give ourselves 1 year of preparation spiritually, physically and mentally. Our destination is a short mission trip to China. With the help from OMF, we will get the training on reading Scripture in Mandarin, communication in Madarin, and studying Chinese culture. In that one year of serious training, we must pray and fast consistently,and memorise at least a gospel book in Mandarin.
While we get our training, we also form the Chinese OCF group , that will be the ground of practice for all of us.
Ultimately we will achieve 4 things:
1) reach out to Chinese students here; (mission at our doorstep)
2) put our training in practice while reaching out to the Chinese students here
3) hopefully the converted Chinese students will be impacted by our training and join us in this mission trip, this will open their eyes to see the need to go home to spread the Gospel to their own ppl.
4) some may pull out,but ultimately those who endure the 1yr training will truly know their calling as missionaries.
God is awesome, He never makes mistakes. Before He close a door, He will first open another one.
I remember asking Him ' how to be a missionary?' , ' What do I do after being the chair person of OCF? ' , at one point of time I was just worried I will be made redundant, coming from an ultra active leadership role to not so active role, my human nature will surely let me down.
But God will never run out of plans for those who earnestly wanna serve Him.
Ivy Voon is so excited and she will fight alongside (she forced me to mention her name hehe:))
Whoever wanna join the training, please pray for conviction. If you are called, God will bring us together with one vision. I am very excited now, but I still need to pray for God to protect this dream, because a temporal passion will die when it is tested, but a conviction stands.
Today I celebrate the birth of a dream. I call it the M&M project. What is it? It means Missionaries Maker project.
I remember 2 years ago God called me to be a full time missionary; 1 yr ago He started giving me the burden for Chinese students in Australia, I began to wanna start a Chinese OCF to cater to the Chinese students; I also wanted to form a mission trip for OCF.However the projects were delayed because we have been too stretched with man power, I was just busy building up OCF.
I never saw how these 3 things could link. Today God has let me see it!
See, when I step down from presidency, I will start the M&M project. We give ourselves 1 year of preparation spiritually, physically and mentally. Our destination is a short mission trip to China. With the help from OMF, we will get the training on reading Scripture in Mandarin, communication in Madarin, and studying Chinese culture. In that one year of serious training, we must pray and fast consistently,and memorise at least a gospel book in Mandarin.
While we get our training, we also form the Chinese OCF group , that will be the ground of practice for all of us.
Ultimately we will achieve 4 things:
1) reach out to Chinese students here; (mission at our doorstep)
2) put our training in practice while reaching out to the Chinese students here
3) hopefully the converted Chinese students will be impacted by our training and join us in this mission trip, this will open their eyes to see the need to go home to spread the Gospel to their own ppl.
4) some may pull out,but ultimately those who endure the 1yr training will truly know their calling as missionaries.
God is awesome, He never makes mistakes. Before He close a door, He will first open another one.
I remember asking Him ' how to be a missionary?' , ' What do I do after being the chair person of OCF? ' , at one point of time I was just worried I will be made redundant, coming from an ultra active leadership role to not so active role, my human nature will surely let me down.
But God will never run out of plans for those who earnestly wanna serve Him.
Ivy Voon is so excited and she will fight alongside (she forced me to mention her name hehe:))
Whoever wanna join the training, please pray for conviction. If you are called, God will bring us together with one vision. I am very excited now, but I still need to pray for God to protect this dream, because a temporal passion will die when it is tested, but a conviction stands.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
night shift
I just came back from a 10 hr shift over saturday night, it was a freezing night spent on the ambulance and with the paramedics.
We received one of the cases from a nursing home. An old chinese lady had a stroke weeks ago that caused brain damage and muscle paralysis to her. She fell from bed , that's why the care taker called the ambulance.
Somehow I felt very compassionate toward her. She is very very old and tiny, her whole body was wasting away, and she doesnt understand english at all.
When we were waiting for the hospital staff to arrange a bed for her on arrival, I couldnt describe the feeling I felt toward her. She had a stroke and was paralysed, she could not talk nor understand English, and she was dumped in the nursing home. My heart ached.
I only had 10 mins before the ambulance left. I quickly touched her shoulder, gently rubbed her hair, grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, I smiled, and asked her in Mandarin,
'Do you know Yesu (Jesus)?'
She understood me and opened her eyes. I told her not to worry, God loves her, she is precious in God's eyes, she has a purpose in life which is to know God. I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus as her Lord and Saviour.
She opened her mouth but all she could produce was just 'Ahh...arrhhh...' because her stroke has damaged her speech area in the brain.
Time was running out and I could not understand her 'ahhh...ahhh', I asked God and myself anxiously, does she wanna believe??????? does she understand me?
In that few minutes, I taught her if she wanna accept Jesus, just confess in her heart and God will know. I repeated the prayer 4 times just in case she didnt get it.
Then I asked her, if you wanna believe in Jesus, gimme a smile. although it was subtle due to paralysis to the face, BUT SHE SMILED! I almost cried.
I do not know whether she really believed or not, I dont know if she was already a believer in the first place, but today I felt God's love overflowing through me. I know God looks from heaven, when He sees this very very old woman, He sees a lil baby girl that should belong to Him.
All lives are precious, all souls need salvation.
We received one of the cases from a nursing home. An old chinese lady had a stroke weeks ago that caused brain damage and muscle paralysis to her. She fell from bed , that's why the care taker called the ambulance.
Somehow I felt very compassionate toward her. She is very very old and tiny, her whole body was wasting away, and she doesnt understand english at all.
When we were waiting for the hospital staff to arrange a bed for her on arrival, I couldnt describe the feeling I felt toward her. She had a stroke and was paralysed, she could not talk nor understand English, and she was dumped in the nursing home. My heart ached.
I only had 10 mins before the ambulance left. I quickly touched her shoulder, gently rubbed her hair, grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, I smiled, and asked her in Mandarin,
'Do you know Yesu (Jesus)?'
She understood me and opened her eyes. I told her not to worry, God loves her, she is precious in God's eyes, she has a purpose in life which is to know God. I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus as her Lord and Saviour.
She opened her mouth but all she could produce was just 'Ahh...arrhhh...' because her stroke has damaged her speech area in the brain.
Time was running out and I could not understand her 'ahhh...ahhh', I asked God and myself anxiously, does she wanna believe??????? does she understand me?
In that few minutes, I taught her if she wanna accept Jesus, just confess in her heart and God will know. I repeated the prayer 4 times just in case she didnt get it.
Then I asked her, if you wanna believe in Jesus, gimme a smile. although it was subtle due to paralysis to the face, BUT SHE SMILED! I almost cried.
I do not know whether she really believed or not, I dont know if she was already a believer in the first place, but today I felt God's love overflowing through me. I know God looks from heaven, when He sees this very very old woman, He sees a lil baby girl that should belong to Him.
All lives are precious, all souls need salvation.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
3 senarios
tell me what you should do/feel in these 3 senarios, esp when they all happen in 3 days:
1) 1st day: u are invited to a not-so-close friend's farewell party, to be polite u go. but bcuz u r not close,u dunno he has moved. When u reach his house, u find that the house is very quiet, u think 'hmm maybe they are praying for him.'
Then u open the front gate which is not locked, u go into the house.
All of a sudden an aussie man,woman and child come out from the backdoor of the house. Both parties are startled! And the aussie man raises his voice in a hostile tone ,saying ,' Excuse me, this is OUR house, what are u doing ?!!'
U are 'caught' and thought to be a burglar!!
Then instantaneously u raise up ur arms as a sign of surrender, u say 'sorry, i am not trying to break in, i just thought my friend is living here.'
They say ,' They have left last year.' ...without hesitation u hurry urself out of that place, and u feel at ur back they are staring at u in disgust and unbelief.
________________________________________________________________
2) 2nd day: u park ur car nicely in a parking box in front of a supermarket. When u walk out of the supermarket to ur car, an old aussie man stands close to ur car. His car is next to yours. When he sees u he shouts loudly,almost puts u in absolute embarrassment in public ,
' DO YOU PARK LIKE THAT IN CHINA?!!!!!!!!!!!??'
Then u check ur car, u park correctly in the correct place, not obstructing any traffic. U don't even know what's wrong. He goes on scolding and yelling and shouting at you, as if u have done something wrong. He says the police will come to fine u etc etc etc.
____________________________________________________________
3) 3rd day: you are working in the hospital as usual. An old aussie woman is sent to emergency department. You genuinely smile and want to offer your professional help to her. Instead of coorperation she gives u a sour face because u are a student doctor. Then she starts questioning everything that u do in your physical examination on her. She thinks you know nothing and says nasty thing about you and your medical knowledge.
Then she says ,' Oh God (she uses God's name in vain), can you plz send someone who is ENGLISH SPEAKING to me? I don't understand your English at all. Plz speak proper English!'
She yells so loud that the doctor nextdoor hears it. And to be professional you have to smile, and continue to do what u have to do as a doctor.
________________________________________________________
Yes, these 3 odd incidents happened to me in the past 3 days. In between there were also some small, unpleasant things. After each time my heart almost jumped out, I almost wanna cry out in tears. Again I asked myself , 'Why am I still in Australia??????????????'
BUT should I complain? NO. This is nothing compared to what I will face in future in mission field. Shall I give up? Will this affect my joy in God ? BY NO MEANS! In fact, I grew stronger and tougher after each unpleasant accusation. Yeah, my skin becomes 3 mm thicker now. Hehe :))))) very good. You won't enjoy your Christian faith in this world if you don't have a very thick skin.
I know who did all this. Not the Aussies. If I blamed the Aussies, then I am no different from the racists.
The devil, our enemy in common, the accuser is the culprit. he thinks he can distract me and stop my joy? On the contrary, what he gave to me defeated his own evil purpose.
God is able to turn a mistake to be something beautiful.
Genesis 50:20 -> ' You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.'
Amen :)
1) 1st day: u are invited to a not-so-close friend's farewell party, to be polite u go. but bcuz u r not close,u dunno he has moved. When u reach his house, u find that the house is very quiet, u think 'hmm maybe they are praying for him.'
Then u open the front gate which is not locked, u go into the house.
All of a sudden an aussie man,woman and child come out from the backdoor of the house. Both parties are startled! And the aussie man raises his voice in a hostile tone ,saying ,' Excuse me, this is OUR house, what are u doing ?!!'
U are 'caught' and thought to be a burglar!!
Then instantaneously u raise up ur arms as a sign of surrender, u say 'sorry, i am not trying to break in, i just thought my friend is living here.'
They say ,' They have left last year.' ...without hesitation u hurry urself out of that place, and u feel at ur back they are staring at u in disgust and unbelief.
________________________________________________________________
2) 2nd day: u park ur car nicely in a parking box in front of a supermarket. When u walk out of the supermarket to ur car, an old aussie man stands close to ur car. His car is next to yours. When he sees u he shouts loudly,almost puts u in absolute embarrassment in public ,
' DO YOU PARK LIKE THAT IN CHINA?!!!!!!!!!!!??'
Then u check ur car, u park correctly in the correct place, not obstructing any traffic. U don't even know what's wrong. He goes on scolding and yelling and shouting at you, as if u have done something wrong. He says the police will come to fine u etc etc etc.
____________________________________________________________
3) 3rd day: you are working in the hospital as usual. An old aussie woman is sent to emergency department. You genuinely smile and want to offer your professional help to her. Instead of coorperation she gives u a sour face because u are a student doctor. Then she starts questioning everything that u do in your physical examination on her. She thinks you know nothing and says nasty thing about you and your medical knowledge.
Then she says ,' Oh God (she uses God's name in vain), can you plz send someone who is ENGLISH SPEAKING to me? I don't understand your English at all. Plz speak proper English!'
She yells so loud that the doctor nextdoor hears it. And to be professional you have to smile, and continue to do what u have to do as a doctor.
________________________________________________________
Yes, these 3 odd incidents happened to me in the past 3 days. In between there were also some small, unpleasant things. After each time my heart almost jumped out, I almost wanna cry out in tears. Again I asked myself , 'Why am I still in Australia??????????????'
BUT should I complain? NO. This is nothing compared to what I will face in future in mission field. Shall I give up? Will this affect my joy in God ? BY NO MEANS! In fact, I grew stronger and tougher after each unpleasant accusation. Yeah, my skin becomes 3 mm thicker now. Hehe :))))) very good. You won't enjoy your Christian faith in this world if you don't have a very thick skin.
I know who did all this. Not the Aussies. If I blamed the Aussies, then I am no different from the racists.
The devil, our enemy in common, the accuser is the culprit. he thinks he can distract me and stop my joy? On the contrary, what he gave to me defeated his own evil purpose.
God is able to turn a mistake to be something beautiful.
Genesis 50:20 -> ' You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.'
Amen :)
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
emergency department
Reading my last post really freaked me out a lil bit. If I were not a believer I would probably say Siew Wai was insane because of her zeal. But I was very touched by the Spirit of God that night and very overwhelmed.
Anyway, these days have been busy. I m currently working at the emergency department. It has been exciting. Last week I did my first CPR on a real human, it was very tiring because you need to compress the chest really hard and fast, within 2 minutes I felt as if I was the one who needed resuscitation. So I was very overwhelmed when the senior doctor kept yelling 'Don't stop CPR! Don't stop!' , so I kept doing without knowing what on earth was happening. Everyone was pacing around to rescue the patient with intubation, injection etc.
Suddenly everyone stopped.....A while later only I realised the patient died! I was very shocked and stunned, I mean, how can the patient die while I was doing the chest compression? I know of course it was not my fault, because the patient came in half dying, we had very limited chance to bring him back. But still, it was shocking for me to see a patient died while I was doing CPR.
But this emergency rotation has generally been very fun. I see patients by myself, I form my own management plan, I give them medicines, I tell them to go home etc...
I don't have to care about what I wear because we wear the emergency uniform, and sneakers or running shoes are allowed.
The best thing was, last week I admitted myself as patient because I had injury to my back.I was working there, when it came to my turn to be seen, I just hopped on to the examination bed to let my fellow doctor checked me. I prescribed my own medicines and wrote on my own casenotes :) cool isnt it?
Anyway, these days have been busy. I m currently working at the emergency department. It has been exciting. Last week I did my first CPR on a real human, it was very tiring because you need to compress the chest really hard and fast, within 2 minutes I felt as if I was the one who needed resuscitation. So I was very overwhelmed when the senior doctor kept yelling 'Don't stop CPR! Don't stop!' , so I kept doing without knowing what on earth was happening. Everyone was pacing around to rescue the patient with intubation, injection etc.
Suddenly everyone stopped.....A while later only I realised the patient died! I was very shocked and stunned, I mean, how can the patient die while I was doing the chest compression? I know of course it was not my fault, because the patient came in half dying, we had very limited chance to bring him back. But still, it was shocking for me to see a patient died while I was doing CPR.
But this emergency rotation has generally been very fun. I see patients by myself, I form my own management plan, I give them medicines, I tell them to go home etc...
I don't have to care about what I wear because we wear the emergency uniform, and sneakers or running shoes are allowed.
The best thing was, last week I admitted myself as patient because I had injury to my back.I was working there, when it came to my turn to be seen, I just hopped on to the examination bed to let my fellow doctor checked me. I prescribed my own medicines and wrote on my own casenotes :) cool isnt it?
Sunday, August 20, 2006
go all out
I wanna go all out to do mission. I wanna work day and night in a nation or place where people are in both extreme material and spiritual poverty ,and sleep on the floor, and walk and work under hot sun with people. I wanna spread Gospel to the people, I wanna plant and build church for Jesus, I wanna train young people to be missionaries and pastors, I wanna speak God's Word that pierces hearts and divides souls.
I wanna just work and work and work for Christ. I think I am a workaholic. I feel very uncomfortable to just sit in a gathering and just talk rubbish.Yeah, it is about building relationship, but I hate wasting time. I don't wanna be comfortable in a rich environment. Just put me in front line , in war zone, in refugee camp, please, I will be very frustrated if I can't use the talents that He has given me for His kingdom.
Everyone needs Jesus, but our generation is too blessed and saturated with materials. We are very fat in our hearts, that's why God is NOT the priority of many Christians. Many people put career, studies, money, relationship, hobbies above God. I ask God, why do You put me here? Send me out! There are people out there who are so hungry in their souls that they will take in whatever the Bible says.
But I know, God has His plan and time. Maybe He has more to do to prepare me. But I know, I am very strongly convicted that, one day I will be sent out. Day and night I pray that He will use me.
Let me die the death of a martyr, if it is His will. I saw a picture of someone dying with both arms holding on tightly to a wooden cross, that picture struck me and is still vividly clear in my mind till today. And I said that day, Yes Lord, I will.
I wanna just work and work and work for Christ. I think I am a workaholic. I feel very uncomfortable to just sit in a gathering and just talk rubbish.Yeah, it is about building relationship, but I hate wasting time. I don't wanna be comfortable in a rich environment. Just put me in front line , in war zone, in refugee camp, please, I will be very frustrated if I can't use the talents that He has given me for His kingdom.
Everyone needs Jesus, but our generation is too blessed and saturated with materials. We are very fat in our hearts, that's why God is NOT the priority of many Christians. Many people put career, studies, money, relationship, hobbies above God. I ask God, why do You put me here? Send me out! There are people out there who are so hungry in their souls that they will take in whatever the Bible says.
But I know, God has His plan and time. Maybe He has more to do to prepare me. But I know, I am very strongly convicted that, one day I will be sent out. Day and night I pray that He will use me.
Let me die the death of a martyr, if it is His will. I saw a picture of someone dying with both arms holding on tightly to a wooden cross, that picture struck me and is still vividly clear in my mind till today. And I said that day, Yes Lord, I will.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
some thoughts about wisdom n foolishness
1Corinthians, chapter 1 says:
18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
19 For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.
22 Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom,
23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles,
24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
------
I stumbled upon one of my friend's friend's blog. I do not know that person, but interestingly I spent an hour reading all the entries of his blog.
It is very mind blowing and puzzling to see how someone blesphemes against God. I have concluded in my own foolish opinion why some ppl will do this. I myself was one of them who acted in such a manner.
1) everyone has experienced the goodness of God, just that some do not know or refuse to admit all good things come from God.
2) they have limited amount of knowledge about God thus they choose to view God with a tunnel view.
3) they trust in human wisdom and strength.
4) they are disgusted by the notion of ' Jesus is the ONLY way to God'. many think that all paths lead to the same God, others think there are more than one god.
etc etc etc
I can list many many more. But I will conclude that there is only one thing that leads to this unbelief. It is PRIDE, and i believe pride is the root of all sin. I don't intend to waste my time in any debate.
Just feel very burdened to say, in my opinion, UNBELIEF is not just that you don't believe in certain things about God even though you agree there is a god. Unbelief is you DON'T believe in God at all. In the bible, things are only 'black or white', 'wrong or right', 'yes or no'. There is no such thing as 'grey/maybe/a little bit/errmm....should be.'
God gives clear instruction in everything. You either believe in Him or you don't. You either enter into heaven or you don't. You either follow Jesus or you don't . You either please Him or you don't.
God cannot be mocked. and He says small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. I don't like to use this word 'Christianity' because it sounds like a religion, a set of rules, a world wide association.It sounds limited.
To be a believer means entering into a relationship with God who loves us. It is never complicated at all, it just needs simple faith, as simple as how you will fly on a plane even though u have not seen the pilot's face, because u have a simple faith that the pilot can fly the plane. You, no matter how intelligent, will not question.
I, as a FOOLISH person, have chosen to believe in a simple thing without questioning. Just like it is said in 1 Cor 1:18-25.
I am so foolish and simple,I don't know difficult things, one thing I know is that, when the heaven and earth pass away, Jesus will come to judge the world. My medical degree does not change the eternity. My scientific knowledge does not give me more strength to lift my head before Jesus. Only my relationship with Him counts. And that relationship leads me through the small gate and narrow road to life.
Conclusion, as according to what the world thinks, I am a foolish woman. But I am happily foolish.
18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
19 For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.
22 Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom,
23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles,
24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.
------
I stumbled upon one of my friend's friend's blog. I do not know that person, but interestingly I spent an hour reading all the entries of his blog.
It is very mind blowing and puzzling to see how someone blesphemes against God. I have concluded in my own foolish opinion why some ppl will do this. I myself was one of them who acted in such a manner.
1) everyone has experienced the goodness of God, just that some do not know or refuse to admit all good things come from God.
2) they have limited amount of knowledge about God thus they choose to view God with a tunnel view.
3) they trust in human wisdom and strength.
4) they are disgusted by the notion of ' Jesus is the ONLY way to God'. many think that all paths lead to the same God, others think there are more than one god.
etc etc etc
I can list many many more. But I will conclude that there is only one thing that leads to this unbelief. It is PRIDE, and i believe pride is the root of all sin. I don't intend to waste my time in any debate.
Just feel very burdened to say, in my opinion, UNBELIEF is not just that you don't believe in certain things about God even though you agree there is a god. Unbelief is you DON'T believe in God at all. In the bible, things are only 'black or white', 'wrong or right', 'yes or no'. There is no such thing as 'grey/maybe/a little bit/errmm....should be.'
God gives clear instruction in everything. You either believe in Him or you don't. You either enter into heaven or you don't. You either follow Jesus or you don't . You either please Him or you don't.
God cannot be mocked. and He says small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. I don't like to use this word 'Christianity' because it sounds like a religion, a set of rules, a world wide association.It sounds limited.
To be a believer means entering into a relationship with God who loves us. It is never complicated at all, it just needs simple faith, as simple as how you will fly on a plane even though u have not seen the pilot's face, because u have a simple faith that the pilot can fly the plane. You, no matter how intelligent, will not question.
I, as a FOOLISH person, have chosen to believe in a simple thing without questioning. Just like it is said in 1 Cor 1:18-25.
I am so foolish and simple,I don't know difficult things, one thing I know is that, when the heaven and earth pass away, Jesus will come to judge the world. My medical degree does not change the eternity. My scientific knowledge does not give me more strength to lift my head before Jesus. Only my relationship with Him counts. And that relationship leads me through the small gate and narrow road to life.
Conclusion, as according to what the world thinks, I am a foolish woman. But I am happily foolish.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
unworthy, but I see God
Today I got my job offer, it means although I am still in my final sem, I am guaranteed with a job, I will start working right after my graduation.
As I was driving home, I couldn't control my tears. I couldnt control the mixed feeling of unworthiness and praise in my heart. So I shouted while I blasted the music. I couldn't stop crying so I had to stop my car.
In tears I asked God, ' Why me???? Why did You bless me? I am not worthy! I don't deserve it!'
God answered me, ' I love you with an everlasting love, it surpasses all knowledge, and no one can fathom.'
I couldnt stop sobbing when I heard this. Who am I?
I cried in the car for 1 hour.
God has let me see His faithfulness. I remember begging Him not to let my heart turn cold in my life, not to let my eyes turn blind. My greatest fear was what if I became blind spiritually and stopped seeing His faithfulness?
Today He opened my eyes again and let me see the out pouring of blessings from heaven.
I am a sinner! When He casts His net of grace upon me, I am fully captured, i can't run away. My sin and brokenness is fully exposed before His throne when He gives grace. Today I truly understand why in Luke 5, after Peter saw the huge blessing, he knelt down and said , 'Go away from me, Lord, I am a sinful man!'.....That was what I felt.
Who can stand with his/her head lifted up when God shows His grace? We can only bow down in shame and cry, because we are not worthy. I understand why Paul said in Romans 5:20, ' Where sin increased, grace increased all the more.'
Luke 5, '...they left everything and followed Jesus.'
I would do the same. The job offer, the big catch of fish, both are just the subjects of blessing. When God opens our eyes, we of little faith see the love behind it, the blessing itself becomes secondary.
' What do I do after leading OCF? Where do I serve? OCF? Church? do Bible college? Stay in Aus? Go Malaysia? China?Africa?....' ...All these questions don't matter to me anymore. Just like the fish didnt matter to Peter anymore. I would leave everything, and follow Christ.
My heart is still thrilled. My eyes are still wet. I am truly humbled by His grace. Truly.
As I was driving home, I couldn't control my tears. I couldnt control the mixed feeling of unworthiness and praise in my heart. So I shouted while I blasted the music. I couldn't stop crying so I had to stop my car.
In tears I asked God, ' Why me???? Why did You bless me? I am not worthy! I don't deserve it!'
God answered me, ' I love you with an everlasting love, it surpasses all knowledge, and no one can fathom.'
I couldnt stop sobbing when I heard this. Who am I?
I cried in the car for 1 hour.
God has let me see His faithfulness. I remember begging Him not to let my heart turn cold in my life, not to let my eyes turn blind. My greatest fear was what if I became blind spiritually and stopped seeing His faithfulness?
Today He opened my eyes again and let me see the out pouring of blessings from heaven.
I am a sinner! When He casts His net of grace upon me, I am fully captured, i can't run away. My sin and brokenness is fully exposed before His throne when He gives grace. Today I truly understand why in Luke 5, after Peter saw the huge blessing, he knelt down and said , 'Go away from me, Lord, I am a sinful man!'.....That was what I felt.
Who can stand with his/her head lifted up when God shows His grace? We can only bow down in shame and cry, because we are not worthy. I understand why Paul said in Romans 5:20, ' Where sin increased, grace increased all the more.'
Luke 5, '...they left everything and followed Jesus.'
I would do the same. The job offer, the big catch of fish, both are just the subjects of blessing. When God opens our eyes, we of little faith see the love behind it, the blessing itself becomes secondary.
' What do I do after leading OCF? Where do I serve? OCF? Church? do Bible college? Stay in Aus? Go Malaysia? China?Africa?....' ...All these questions don't matter to me anymore. Just like the fish didnt matter to Peter anymore. I would leave everything, and follow Christ.
My heart is still thrilled. My eyes are still wet. I am truly humbled by His grace. Truly.
Monday, August 07, 2006
happy bday mom
Although I know my mom will never read my blog (she is literally a lil afraid to touch the computer), I still wanna write something about her birthday, which is today.
She is a very cute young lady, and always asks me 'is mom still pretty? is mom still young? ' , and my answer is always yes mom, u are still pretty, and u look younger each day...
I really love this young lady. 3 years ago I did not know how to love and respect her. But when I accepted Christ, He also changed my heart toward my mom. Mom is always very amazed about how this God can change her hopeless daughter.
I wish I could see with my own eyes how a young woman at my current age would get married and raise 3 children. How she had me in her tummy, how she rushed to the hospital to deliver me, how she held my lil hand when I learned to walk...I can only imagine the smile on her face.
Then I started giving her a lot of problems. I was very rebellious, I cursed her, I swore at her etc...For many many long and lonely nights mom cried in her room, dad was helpless too.
Now things have changed. God taught me to love her, I wanna do my best. I wanna let her feel that all her sufferings in the past is worth it, I wanna take her in my arms and hug her tight...I wanna pray for her (and my family) everyday so that they will accept Jesus, I don't wanna go to heaven without them with me...
Happy birthday and I truly love you mom, just in case you read my blog one day.
She is a very cute young lady, and always asks me 'is mom still pretty? is mom still young? ' , and my answer is always yes mom, u are still pretty, and u look younger each day...
I really love this young lady. 3 years ago I did not know how to love and respect her. But when I accepted Christ, He also changed my heart toward my mom. Mom is always very amazed about how this God can change her hopeless daughter.
I wish I could see with my own eyes how a young woman at my current age would get married and raise 3 children. How she had me in her tummy, how she rushed to the hospital to deliver me, how she held my lil hand when I learned to walk...I can only imagine the smile on her face.
Then I started giving her a lot of problems. I was very rebellious, I cursed her, I swore at her etc...For many many long and lonely nights mom cried in her room, dad was helpless too.
Now things have changed. God taught me to love her, I wanna do my best. I wanna let her feel that all her sufferings in the past is worth it, I wanna take her in my arms and hug her tight...I wanna pray for her (and my family) everyday so that they will accept Jesus, I don't wanna go to heaven without them with me...
Happy birthday and I truly love you mom, just in case you read my blog one day.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
transformation..first love
When I was doing some house-keeping work on my laptop, I saw a folder in which I used to keep my journal.I definitely have forgotten about it. I opened and read thru the journal that I wrote back in 2003 till 2004. It shocked me to see the path I went thru.
To me, 2003 was the lowest and most depressing year in my life, because of many sins and mistakes and foolish decisions, it is marked as the darkest era in my life. Life was meaninglesss, the shame and guilt made me wanna kill myself again.
In the cloudiness and darkness, I saw a beam of light shone thru. It was God. I accepted Christ in 2003, it has become the turning point of my life.
Therefore 2003 is an interesting year, the darkest era was put to an end, and the bright era began, in the very same year. The old Siew Wai was dead,the new Siew Wai was born. He took away my shame and guilt, I no longer live in the shadow of guilt and shame.
How can I not love Him? How can I not thank Him? Whoelse can save a wretch, a crap, a rubbish, a sinner like me?
Then I read the journal of 2004. That was my 1st year of becoming a Christian. In the journal ,my prayer and words to God was like a child...Daddy,please bless this person and that person, Daddy, I love you...Daddy, Daddy Daddy...everything was about Daddy.
It amazes me, how far I have gone since then. From a baby Christian, God grew and matured me quickly, and He called me to lead OCF when I was a 2 and 1/2 yr old Christian..and now it comes to the end of serving in OCF. God has brought me this far. If not by Grace, whatelse can it be? Till today, all this still seem like a dream to me, it has been too wonderful, too beautiful, beyond comprehension.
I was losing my first love for Jesus, my heart was turning cold at a very very slow and unnoticeable rate, until today I read my journal dated in 2003. I believe God guided me to read it. It reminds me of how He has brought me out of the shadow of death.Now I can only bow down and thank Him.
I will keep this journal for as long as I can,to remind me how God has transformed me. Just like why God wanted to put the manna in the Ark of Covenant, to remind the Israelites how He has brought them out of slavery in Egypt and how He has provided them.But they forgot, therefore they rebelled.
Do not forget, do not forget how God has saved u. When you forget, your heart turns cold.
Romans 8 is my favourite. It tells us how far God has brought us thru.
1) Our flesh does not and can never submit to God, it is hostile
to Him.
2) But when we accept Jesus, the Spirit of God dwells in us.
3) The Spirit changes our mind --> changes our attitude and behaviour
-->we fulfill His law
4) We are now able to please God.
Glorious! How far have God brought me thru? This FAR:
Hostility --------------------------------------------------------->> Pleasing in His eyes
From being hostile to being pleasing, from one end to another end...I never wanna go backward.
To me, 2003 was the lowest and most depressing year in my life, because of many sins and mistakes and foolish decisions, it is marked as the darkest era in my life. Life was meaninglesss, the shame and guilt made me wanna kill myself again.
In the cloudiness and darkness, I saw a beam of light shone thru. It was God. I accepted Christ in 2003, it has become the turning point of my life.
Therefore 2003 is an interesting year, the darkest era was put to an end, and the bright era began, in the very same year. The old Siew Wai was dead,the new Siew Wai was born. He took away my shame and guilt, I no longer live in the shadow of guilt and shame.
How can I not love Him? How can I not thank Him? Whoelse can save a wretch, a crap, a rubbish, a sinner like me?
Then I read the journal of 2004. That was my 1st year of becoming a Christian. In the journal ,my prayer and words to God was like a child...Daddy,please bless this person and that person, Daddy, I love you...Daddy, Daddy Daddy...everything was about Daddy.
It amazes me, how far I have gone since then. From a baby Christian, God grew and matured me quickly, and He called me to lead OCF when I was a 2 and 1/2 yr old Christian..and now it comes to the end of serving in OCF. God has brought me this far. If not by Grace, whatelse can it be? Till today, all this still seem like a dream to me, it has been too wonderful, too beautiful, beyond comprehension.
I was losing my first love for Jesus, my heart was turning cold at a very very slow and unnoticeable rate, until today I read my journal dated in 2003. I believe God guided me to read it. It reminds me of how He has brought me out of the shadow of death.Now I can only bow down and thank Him.
I will keep this journal for as long as I can,to remind me how God has transformed me. Just like why God wanted to put the manna in the Ark of Covenant, to remind the Israelites how He has brought them out of slavery in Egypt and how He has provided them.But they forgot, therefore they rebelled.
Do not forget, do not forget how God has saved u. When you forget, your heart turns cold.
Romans 8 is my favourite. It tells us how far God has brought us thru.
1) Our flesh does not and can never submit to God, it is hostile
to Him.
2) But when we accept Jesus, the Spirit of God dwells in us.
3) The Spirit changes our mind --> changes our attitude and behaviour
-->we fulfill His law
4) We are now able to please God.
Glorious! How far have God brought me thru? This FAR:
Hostility --------------------------------------------------------->> Pleasing in His eyes
From being hostile to being pleasing, from one end to another end...I never wanna go backward.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
a silent night
Just some thoughts that flash thru my mind in this silent night:
My very good friend sky is working in taiwan, on MSN, he said he was eating durian. I was like WHATTT u have durian in taiwan!! Then this fella went on describing the colour, texture , smell, taste, size etc of the durian.
It really makes me miss home madly. I mean of course not because of durian that makes me miss home. I am a durian fanatic, each time before I came back to Aus, the durian season was usually over, but dad would run around the town and always manage to find me some durians. No one in the family would ever touch those durians (out of their love for me, not fear).
I miss home. Sometimes I ask myself (and God) stupid questions like 'Why am I still staying in Australia? I should be back home serving my country and my people', this feeling and doubt is even stronger when the local people here don't appreciate the blessings that God has given them. They are very well taken care by their government, yet they complain. In Malaysia, the healthcare system is not even 50% as complete as it is in Australia. Yet the people just take in whatever that is given to them.
I really don't feel that this is the place where I will live for the rest of my life.I have not heard specific instruction from God, if He says I will go wherever He sends. Africa? China? Cambodia? Malaysia? Just tell me God.
I guess God has been preparing my physical body for mission since young. Physically I am tough, I can sleep anywhere under any environmental condition, I can eat all kinds of food under all conditions (except for meat, which is good, most poor places do not have meat), I can go in and out of the jungle, I can tolerate dirtiness, I can survive with just a T shirt and a pair of pants ( thats y now i dress up while i have the chance hehe )
Ah Tan always says she wanna be my mission partner. What comes to my mind is:
a doctor + a dentist + 2 evangelists + 2 loyal disciples + the ALL POWERFUL LORD JESUS = rock the world...muahahaha
**** Disclaimer: I didn't mean all ppl here are unappreciative, i m just referring to a bunch of patients whom i met in the hospital on a daily basis. of course, we find unappreciative ppl everywhere, they exist in malaysia as well :)
My very good friend sky is working in taiwan, on MSN, he said he was eating durian. I was like WHATTT u have durian in taiwan!! Then this fella went on describing the colour, texture , smell, taste, size etc of the durian.
It really makes me miss home madly. I mean of course not because of durian that makes me miss home. I am a durian fanatic, each time before I came back to Aus, the durian season was usually over, but dad would run around the town and always manage to find me some durians. No one in the family would ever touch those durians (out of their love for me, not fear).
I miss home. Sometimes I ask myself (and God) stupid questions like 'Why am I still staying in Australia? I should be back home serving my country and my people', this feeling and doubt is even stronger when the local people here don't appreciate the blessings that God has given them. They are very well taken care by their government, yet they complain. In Malaysia, the healthcare system is not even 50% as complete as it is in Australia. Yet the people just take in whatever that is given to them.
I really don't feel that this is the place where I will live for the rest of my life.I have not heard specific instruction from God, if He says I will go wherever He sends. Africa? China? Cambodia? Malaysia? Just tell me God.
I guess God has been preparing my physical body for mission since young. Physically I am tough, I can sleep anywhere under any environmental condition, I can eat all kinds of food under all conditions (except for meat, which is good, most poor places do not have meat), I can go in and out of the jungle, I can tolerate dirtiness, I can survive with just a T shirt and a pair of pants ( thats y now i dress up while i have the chance hehe )
Ah Tan always says she wanna be my mission partner. What comes to my mind is:
a doctor + a dentist + 2 evangelists + 2 loyal disciples + the ALL POWERFUL LORD JESUS = rock the world...muahahaha
**** Disclaimer: I didn't mean all ppl here are unappreciative, i m just referring to a bunch of patients whom i met in the hospital on a daily basis. of course, we find unappreciative ppl everywhere, they exist in malaysia as well :)
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