Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
I have not slept for many hours and have not eaten anything. My head was filled with a multitude of thoughts. How am I going to pack everything up? How do I clean up? Which agent should I use? Will I have a secured job next year in a foreign city? Which hospital should I apply to? How do I start my new life in a new city? etc etc etc...
A sense of despair, darkness and hopelessness suddenly grabbed me and I broke down. I cried out loud , O'Lord O'Lord, please do no forsake me! Please strengthen me...That was all that I could utter in my despair, my spirit groaned in pain.
I knew in the moment of vulnerability I could not let the devil win this battle for the battle and victory belong to the Lord Jesus. All I knew was to run to God. Run Run Run Siew Wai. Praise Him! Worship Him! Cry to Him! Ask, seek and knock! Pray until you see His face! I repeatedly read out Psalm 23 in a loud voice.
Then I knew my Lord is near me, I felt Him as I meditated on His Word. He is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He refreshes my soul, He guides me along the right paths for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of darkness of death, I will fear no evil for He is with me, His rod and His staff comfort me. He prepares a table before me in the presence of my enemies, He anoints my head with oil, my cup overflows. Surely His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
He pointed me to Jeremial 31. I read through the whole chapter again and again, my clothes were soaked with tears. For He has heard my cry and He reassured me that He has loved me with an everlasting love. He said He would tear down only to rebuild. He scatters only to gather again. He would make me plant vineyards and be fruitful. I will go out and dance with the joyful.
Jeremiah 31: 35-36, This is what the LORD says,
He who appoints the sun to shine by day, who decrees the moon and stars to shine by night, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name:
“Only if these decrees vanish from my sight,” declares the LORD, “will Israel ever cease being a nation before me.”
Yes the LORD Almighty is His name.
Do not be discouraged Siew Wai, Do not fear, be strong and be very courageous, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Amen.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I have been in a strained relationship with someone in the last 1-2 years (by the way, that person is certainly not my husband). It is like a thorn in my flesh and I am sure that person sees me as a thorn too. It is very painful. I can't and I am not allowed to get rid of that thorn. Both of us have been limping with this thorn and we can't walk straight in our lives.
How painful and disruptive it has been! I know I am not a perfect person or I would not have needed my Saviour. In my pursuit of being more and more like Christ, I prayed many times to ask God to take this pain away from me, and to give me the strength and His kind of love to love this person.
As I humbled myself before God, He dropped this in my mind, 'Why do I allow the past hurt and pain determined how I live in future?'
Then my eyes were suddenly opened, and revelations after revelations in the forms of God's Word came gushing out.
Two nights ago at church Ps Jon was preaching about Numbers 13. The Lord told Moses to send out His people to explore the promised land that flowed with honey and milk, the Lord has given the land to His people. But the people thought it was too difficult and forgot that the Lord has ALREADY given that land to them, they just needed to take possession of it. They would rather go back to Egypt and died!
Am I not like the rebellious Israelites?
I suddenly realised my relationship with that person is like the promised land in the scripture. God has already given it to me, all I need to do is to go forward and take it. But I became scared at the sight of the past hurt and failure. I forgot that the Lord has won this battle for me. But in my own eyes and understanding, I thought it was too difficult, so I opted for an out. I would rather go back to my Egypt and died there.
And again, the Lord's Word became alive. I am reminded that I am fighting a battle aimlessly. My true enemy is not 'that person', my true enemy is the devil who has come to steal , kill and destroy.
But he forgot his place. He is the ultimate loser. My Lord Jesus has won the battle for me, He has conquered sin and death! He has also given that victory to me and that person, so both of us should be the winners.
How great is our God!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
I have , many times in my life. Most of the times it was not delibrate, and I did not even try to run away, but I just let it happen, and before I know it I have already let the presence of God slip out of the crack of my busy daily life. The enemy will always deceive us that it is ok to be slightly independent from God, even if it is only in small little things.
Last week I was in the change room at the hospital in the middle of the night as I was about to start my night duty. Suddenly I had a feeling in my heart telling me I have been harbouring a kind of pride that has distanced me from God. I began to realise that's why I have not felt God's peace in me for quite a while. The enemy has made me believe that I was alright in my walk with God as long as I prayed and read the bible everyday. I did not realise in the midst of my busyness I was not delibrate in my pursuit of His face and His glory and His law.
I immediately dropped the things in my hands and started repenting to Him. At that moment I again had the most intimate encounter with my God.
The next day it was the prayer meeting in church. For some reason I knew I had to attend that prayer meeting no matter what , I just felt convicted that God had something great for me there.Truely so, as I entered the meeting I just felt the very very very heavy presence of God , my whole body shivered, my heart leaped with joy and my spirit sang out loud in awe and worship of God
As Pastor Danny qouted the scripture 2 Chronicles 7:14 :' If MY people who are called by MY name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.'
My tears rolled down my cheeks like a tap when I heard this, and throughout the whole meeting I was weaping in tears of sorrow and humility, at the same time love, joy, peace and renewal.
I knew God was speaking right in my face, both in the dark change room at the hospital and in church today. That was a very small change room, hidden in the deepest part of the hospital. The corridor that leads to the change room was not lit with lights, and no telecommunication reception could reach that room. The door was a thick old school wooden door that could only be opened with a set of security code.
And in the darkness of the night and the loneliness of my spirit, when I thought I was far from the presence of my God, and well hidden from the rest of the world, God came and found me even in that change room. And when I thought I was alright , HE confronted me with His Spirit out of His deep love for me, because He doesn't want me to walk away from Him.
Who am I that He loves me so much? That He would come pursuing me with His love rather than condemnation and punishment for my sin of pride.
' Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens You are there, if I make my bed in the depths you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.'
With such great love, will I not lift my hands up and surrender to You? When I come running to You, I will only find myself falling into Your strong arms that are open to catch me.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
I was at school, and all of a sudden I was in a pub; then I was in the university; then with friends ....it was everywhere, but at every stop I saw a lonely and broken me who needed restoration.
Then my memory stopped at the first time I stepped into a church. In the clear vision I was walking in to a very small local church, the usher greeted me with a warm welcome and asked if I was coming with anyone. I said I was by myself. Then I picked the back row. And the praise and worship began. People raised their hands and sang.
I closed my eyes and a very powerful feeling gripped my heart. I wept when the feeling of familiarity struck me. I knew my brokenness and emptiness was restored. One touch from God is enough to bring renewal to my life.
8 years later when I was in church I revisited that memory.
I whispered to God, ' Yes Lord, I have met You on that special day.'
God replied, 'But I have met you a very long time before that day.'
Psalm 139 is my favourite scripture at all time.
Psalm 139 verse 13: For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb.'