Withdrawal

I am going to tell a story about one of my patients, Stan.(This is not the real name)


Stan was a middle aged man who unfortunately suffered from a condition named myotonic dystrophy. It was very unfortunate because myotonic dystrophy is a genetic disorder, the end result is the person's muscles become weak as the disease progresses, till he/she becomes too weak to breathe. In addition, the other organs are also affected by this genetic disorder, eventually they will fail too as the disease progresses.


Stan was on life support for more than 2 weeks now. The prognosis was dismal and after much discussion with various specialists and Stan's father, we decided to withdraw his life support and treatment on last Saturday.


In fact it was Stan's father who made the request . This does not happen all the time in ICU. Most commonly families do not understand that modern medical technology is not the answer to everything, and that the mortal body is not invincible.


Stan's father is a 70-80 year-old-man who has a head full of gray hair. He had been the carer of Stan for the last 50 years. Stan was wheel chair bound, so his old father nursed and cared for him faithfully day in day out, carried him in and out of the wheelchair.


So the decision of withdrawal of life support was made, but would not happen immediately because Stan's sister was still on her way from interstate to say bye to him for one last time.


Stan's father was there since that morning. He talked very loudly, with his normal cheerful tone. He held Stan's hand and told him about the fruit trees in the backyard. He smiled at everyone and said thanks to all of us. Everything seemed very ordinary.


It saddened me very much. Was he pretending to be strong on the outside? Or was he relieved? It must have been a very difficult decision to make. He had been faithfully caring for his son for the last 50 years, I am sure somehow or rather it was no longer a time consuming chore, it must have become a main part of his daily life where he found his purpose. I don't know, just a speculation. I might be wrong.


That afternoon was a quiet one and I finished my work early. For the whole day I felt very burdened for Stan and before I went home I went into his room. He was going to die in a few hours and I must tell him about God at any given chance!


He was lightly sedated so I was not sure if he would hear what I had to say. I gently held his hand, and told him that God loved him, and God wanted to be with him. I also told him that Jesus died for him on the cross so that his sins (just like mine) would be forgiven if he believed in Him.


His eyes were closed. I wasn't sure if he heard me. But the voice in me asked me to carry on. I was sure God was there and then.


'Stan, if you want to accept Jesus to be your Saviour, and be with Him, squeeze my hand,' I said.


I felt a gentle squeeze.


Was that him? Really?


I wasn't sure, so I asked again, 'Stan, squeeze my hand again if you believe in Jesus and want to be with Him. '


Another gentle squeeze.


My eyes got teary. I wasn't too sure if he really meant it, but I had done what I could.


I continued to hold his hand, and prayed with him. After all was said and done, I put down his hand, turned around and made my way out. The nurse just happened to come in, and said, ' Hey he waved goodbye to you!'


I turned my head again, yea Stan was waving good bye to me, weakly with his swollen hand.


I waved back and said cheerfully, ' Goodbye, Stan!'


I walked out of the hospital. For a very long time I let myself immerse in a mixture of sorrow and joy, knowing that treatment would be withdrawn, and Stan would die at 9pm. I thought of his loving father , after the past 50 years, this was the first night he would live without Stan.


That goodbye that I said to Stan was a real GOODBYE, for good.


I touched my heart. Oh well, to a certain extent I was glad that after 2 years of working in ICU, my heart had not turned hard and cold. Maybe God put me here for this.


I had many questions that I wanted to ask God about Stan. Did I do it correctly? Did he really accept Jesus as his Saviour? Was he going to heaven or hell?


You know what God answered me? He said, ' This is not your burden. It's Mine.'


Goodbye, Stan.

OMG 3 more dayssss

and I am so not prepared in many ways. Things start getting very intense now as we are still running around getting things done.


And....I have not had my veil completed.... Shhhhhh...Yea I bought a single tiered veil , and I bought it inspite of it having only a tier because it is so beautiful. So I thought...Hmmm...I would fix it, just buy some tulle/lace and add it on, make it a two tier veil (the front tier is called the blusher veil where you have in front of your face as you walk down the aisle, I learnt all this just a few months ago) ...


So I thought I would fix it, just like how I attempted to make my own wedding gown in the beginning! Of course, after days of toiling I realised it wasn't easy at all to make a wedding gown, therefore paying big bucks for one that's professionally done is definitely worth the while.


Hehe.


And Kevin's mom and sis have just arrived this afternoon...Hmmmm they are so nice to me, and being with the in-laws is actually much easier than I thought...


She's so lovely and kind to volunteer herself to sew that veil for me! Awwwwww....I am very blessed.


And tomorrow when mom arrives in Adelaide, I am sure she won't mind putting on some buttons for my wedding gown :P


I am so excited.


Yes 3 more days.

Counting down 24-19=5

5 more days to go!


I have finally finished my 3 day EMST course! It is indeed a huge relief. I can now finally concentrate on my last minute wedding prep/damage control etc...however you call it; and to concentrate on being a bride-to-be.


It is finally hitting me really hard that I am gonna get married! Yea yea everyone says nothing will change, but the fact is, everything will!


And I am especially mindful of the fact that there's only 5 more days left...and then I will be someone's wife, someone's daughter-in-law, someone's sister-in-law...


Sweaty palms...

Counting down...9 more days (for God)

9 more days!


I can't believe how fast time has passed. 18 months have passed since we first met. It was at church , what a great place to meet the Mr Right! LOL just joking...


And then the connect group. And then several weeks of backwards and forwards. Then it was the lil apartment on Westminster Street; that was his birthday. Then it was the Chocolate Bean. Then again it was a several months of life amongst the many yeses and noes. Then the Great Ocean Road. The lighthouse. Melbourne. Back to the little townhouse in Chinatown, Adelaide.


He said he was drawn to me because of my smallness, my helplessness ; and the sadness that only he could pick up through my eyes and the photos that I took; and how carefully I hid it underneath my skin.


Maybe my close friends knew it, that's why 4 of them cried I told them about him. ( My dearest lil sister was one of them for sure).


And I seem to look very happy and relaxed since then, according to everyone.


I am not ashamed to admit that I am a happy person ever since Kevin came into my life. Don't get me wrong, I was never desperate for a boyfriend/husband since the beginning. I did have a few relationships in the past, but I was never a person who believed I would ever settle for a marriage. I had some sort of commitment phobia ( That's why I refuse to sign up a contract with any mobile phone company for this reason. I like prepaid. ) ....... I definitely did NOT believe that a boyfriend, a wedding and a husband is the solution to my loneliness.


I asked God to take him away so I would have no distraction in my life journey. I liked the plans that I drew up for myself. To be a specialist, to commit in long term overseas missions and go to the ends of the earth for God, and to be my mom and dad's girl forever.


But at the end, God asked me, 'Have I really called you to these? '


:)


Kevin came unexpectedly into my life. but he came at the right time. the perfect timing that only God can control. I tried pushing this back to God, 'Nah I will not take this. I will stick to my own plans for my life, God, after all I made all these plans for Your name's sake...'


But God said, 'Take it, for he is my blessing for you.' ..... so God put this back into my hands.


I was driving home yesterday after a long day of work. As I came to the traffic light near home, I was reminded of the differences in my life between now and then. I am glad that I am coming home to someone, to a home with lights on and dinner being prepared. ( Well we take turns to cook)


This is good.


God knows what I need. Not what I want.He cares for us, and He knows the deepest secrets and desires of our hearts, even when we think they are trivial. And God gives His blessings lavishly to whoever He wants to, more than what my hands can receive. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Counting down...24-13=11....

I have to confess that I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last few weeks. Busy with work, then fell sick , then went back to Malaysia for my brother's wedding, then came back here, fell sick again, then it was work again... and on top of these is the mounting stress of getting wedding stuff done ,as well as of the preparation for a very important course that I am going to attend next week. ( Oh yes, I am attending a very important course that lasts for 3 days....I regret so much for putting my name down for the course that runs just a week before my wedding....)


And underneath these many layers of physical and emotional stress, there is this layer of emotion called pre-wedding anxiety. I think deep down inside I don't want to change my lifestyle. The thought of 12 more days left to my singlehood freaks me out sometimes.


Last week I had a nervous breakdown where I broke down in tears in front of Kev. He held my arms and came really close , I only recall his very big eyes when I think of this. He said 'baby, wedding preparation is never fun, who said wedding prep is fun? It is the joy and the celebration of that day that makes ppl forget the pain. '


...


In the midst of this emotional chaos, God has shown His face to me. He told me , everything is going to be alright.


I never argue with God because He knows better.


So I have decided to just surrender everything to Him. I have many millions of things on my task list, but today when I came back from my night duty I was like forget about it. Don't worry about the hundreds of thousnds of menial jobs awaiting me mocking me.


I spent my whole afternoon talking to God, searching my soul, writing down my thoughts and just be siew wai. I am not gonna let the enemy steal my joy.


I am beginning to enjoy this last 12 days of my singlehood.

COUNTING DOWN....24-12=12 ( For my mom)

It is by convention that every modern day bride-to-be has a little story to tell as they count the days they have before THE DAY.


And since I am only gonna marry once in my lifetime, I thought this would be a cool thing to do. Maybe years down the road when I reread this series of count down entries I will have a silly grin on my face.


Phew...to be honest, I am pretty anxious now. The break outs on my face is the greatest evidence of my unexplained anxiety. My heart is constantly beating fast probably as a result of prewedding anxiety/excitement , and of course, caffeine and the adrenaline rush that I have at work.


These days I miss my mom even more.


God creates man and woman to be husband and wife, and when they are married they leave their respective parents and become one. This is a beautiful plan that God has for those who are called into a marriage.


I have a very complex mixture of feelings in me. I look forward to being married of course. But deep down inside the heavy feeling of not wanting to be separated from my mom and dad is getting to me. I miss my mommy.


Mom knows that I am highly stressed at this moment. She sent me a text message that goes like this, ' Try to relax, do one thing at a time. think of the beautiful days ahead. Imagine you putting on your wedding dress , walking into the church and all your guests standing up. And you will be the happiest woman on earth. All you have to do is to have sufficient rest.'


My mom is not a person who writes. She usually writes ' happy birthday, mama loves you and misses you very much,' on each of my birthday card. And when she sends an sms, she usually duplicates them so that my sister and myself will get the same version of texts.


This is one of the few times mom writes something at length to me.


I love you my dearest mommy. You are my hero. You are my role model. You are my best friend.

My boss, the THORN in my flesh - Introduction

I really really have to write this down.



I have been having a tough time at work for many months now. Why? Because I have a boss who is insensitive and harsh to me. I prayed and fasted about this, I tried all means to be nice and friendly to him, I tried to convince myself that he generally treats everyone the same....I even tried to bless him in my prayer....



But nothing has changed. And it has come to a point that I am convinced he just does not like me. It has been 14 months since I started working there, and I have spent my entire 14 months analyzing this issue. The conclusion is, no matter what I do, he just doesn't like me. It is just me, no one else gets that kind of treatment from him.



I can't stand him, can't stand his attitude....He bragged about his intelligence, and once jokingly said that HE IS GOD AND ALL MUST LISTEN TO HIM!!!!



He has no freaking idea what he has done to me. He will just keep picking on everything that I do and I have ended up doubting myself and my own capability as a doctor. I dread going to work when I know he is on duty. I do not enjoy my work at all when he is around.....



BUT BUT BUT......this is not the end of my story...and certainly is not the focus of my sharing.



What I want to say is, all in all, God has His wonderful plan in this circumstance.



This boss of mine is not there by chance or merely by the scheme of Satan. I am convinced that God put him there for a very very important reason. (in fact, I believe it is not just for one reason....God's plan is so mighty that it encompasses everything)



This boss is there to be a thorn in my flesh!!!!!



Ouch! A THORNNNNNNNNN!!!!! Just like a wart on the sole of my foot that hurts in every step I take. Has anyone had a wart on the foot before? I had a big one and it made me crippled for months and I had to have it removed surgically.



And this boss of mine is a huge thorn and it irritates me soooooo much .



But I wonder what kind of person I would turn out to be if I had not such a big thorn in my flesh?
Surely a proud and egoistic swine. ( I like the terminology, 'swine' is a hot term nowadays)



What has God taught me through this humongous thorn in my flesh?


A lot.



I shall share in my next post. In fact, it has been an interesting journey and I think I will write a series of posts about this ;)



Yes I like the title of this post. The thorn in my flesh. Oh boy now that Thorny image of my boss will forever get stuck in my mind ... :D