I am very proud to say that the friendship that is built on Christ will last. It is not like any friendship in the world that will be moved by circumstances. It is the Kingdom friendship and will be carried forward eternally.
Chris, thank you for your encouragement and support in the past 3 weeks. Now both of us believe that only God can successfully turn couple into good friends of each other. And I am very proud of you.
I am better now, you played a big part in my recovery. Now it is my turn to stand strong and support you. I told God I want to continue to be your prayer warrior and encouragement.
I am filled with peace and affirmation from God, hence I know God is very pleased with our obedience and submission to His will. Although we are sad for a short while, yet our momentary problems are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. God will honour those who put Him first. And we have done that (entirely by His grace, with His wisdom and strength), God will bless us abundantly in His own way :)
Sunday, March 18, 2007
i m better now (1) - God speaks
As the title suggested, I am better now.
God has been a true source of strength for me all this while.
In the past I have been telling everyone how important it is to saturate ourselves with God's word because God's Word is living. Now thru the break up with Chris I really feel it.
How shall I put it...it is like yes, previously God's Word has been important to me, but now in this trial I literally live by His Word, I am not trying to exaggerate it but I feel if God did not continuously speak (literally, speak) to me through the Bible, I would not make it.
I actually opened the Bible less than usual in the past 2 weeks. But my mind was so saturated with His Word that all the verses and passages kept flashing through my mind. It was as if I have eaten the whole Bible and the Bible is now living in my brain. The Bible has become invinsible physically and visible spiritually in my brain and my heart. The diligence of studying the Bible in the past pays off in time of difficulty.
And for the first time, I feel it is incredibly real that I am in the Word and the Word is in me, I am in God and God is in me. What the Bible teaches me becomes alive in my life. One moment I felt I was a sheep in the Good Shepherd's arms, another moment I was the psalmist who cried to God; then I became the Israelites in Exodus who were going into the promised land yet complaining; sometimes I became Lot's wife who kept looking back and was turned into stone....
There are a lot more to share but the most real experience in the past 1 week was that I have literally become Peter when he stepped out of the boat and walked on water towards Jesus. Hard to explain but it was more than an imagination. I believe God put me in Peter's situation to tell me something.
In that instance, the storm, the huge waves, the rain, the wind, the darkness and the coldness were so real as if i was really in it. I saw Jesus across the sea, I stepped out of the boat and walked to Him on water. He seemed far away. I was walking, but when I looked right and left, I found I was surrounded by tall waves , darkness and strong wind. I lost sight of Jesus and I began to sink. I was struggling and Jesus picked me up...It was pitch dark yet in my struggle in water all I could see was Jesus eyes, full of affirmation, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, love, encouragement....and all the words can not possibly sum up the 'thing' that Jesus showed in His eyes at that moment. He did not say anything but I heard no more of the surroundings, it was a silent moment of looking into His eyes.
This picture of me as Peter walking on water keeps emerging in my mind and it repeats by itself and it is so vivid. I could literally feel the 'wetness' of the water, the coldness of the storm, the terrifying sound of thunder, the pain of rain drops on my skin, the depth of the sea, and the screaming of me/Peter for help. It is so vivid. As if my spirit was in a muscular fisherman's body, yelling out with a musculine voice.
Everytime when I think about Chris and the past, when I am absorbed in my own sorrow, this picture of me being Peter comes to my mind. I literally hear myself/Peter saying, 'Jesus, I am coming, I am coming! Wait for me!' and I become joyful and courageous to face the storm.
God is so real. I am in Him, He is in me. And it is not a bad experience at all to play Peter's role.
God has been a true source of strength for me all this while.
In the past I have been telling everyone how important it is to saturate ourselves with God's word because God's Word is living. Now thru the break up with Chris I really feel it.
How shall I put it...it is like yes, previously God's Word has been important to me, but now in this trial I literally live by His Word, I am not trying to exaggerate it but I feel if God did not continuously speak (literally, speak) to me through the Bible, I would not make it.
I actually opened the Bible less than usual in the past 2 weeks. But my mind was so saturated with His Word that all the verses and passages kept flashing through my mind. It was as if I have eaten the whole Bible and the Bible is now living in my brain. The Bible has become invinsible physically and visible spiritually in my brain and my heart. The diligence of studying the Bible in the past pays off in time of difficulty.
And for the first time, I feel it is incredibly real that I am in the Word and the Word is in me, I am in God and God is in me. What the Bible teaches me becomes alive in my life. One moment I felt I was a sheep in the Good Shepherd's arms, another moment I was the psalmist who cried to God; then I became the Israelites in Exodus who were going into the promised land yet complaining; sometimes I became Lot's wife who kept looking back and was turned into stone....
There are a lot more to share but the most real experience in the past 1 week was that I have literally become Peter when he stepped out of the boat and walked on water towards Jesus. Hard to explain but it was more than an imagination. I believe God put me in Peter's situation to tell me something.
In that instance, the storm, the huge waves, the rain, the wind, the darkness and the coldness were so real as if i was really in it. I saw Jesus across the sea, I stepped out of the boat and walked to Him on water. He seemed far away. I was walking, but when I looked right and left, I found I was surrounded by tall waves , darkness and strong wind. I lost sight of Jesus and I began to sink. I was struggling and Jesus picked me up...It was pitch dark yet in my struggle in water all I could see was Jesus eyes, full of affirmation, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, love, encouragement....and all the words can not possibly sum up the 'thing' that Jesus showed in His eyes at that moment. He did not say anything but I heard no more of the surroundings, it was a silent moment of looking into His eyes.
This picture of me as Peter walking on water keeps emerging in my mind and it repeats by itself and it is so vivid. I could literally feel the 'wetness' of the water, the coldness of the storm, the terrifying sound of thunder, the pain of rain drops on my skin, the depth of the sea, and the screaming of me/Peter for help. It is so vivid. As if my spirit was in a muscular fisherman's body, yelling out with a musculine voice.
Everytime when I think about Chris and the past, when I am absorbed in my own sorrow, this picture of me being Peter comes to my mind. I literally hear myself/Peter saying, 'Jesus, I am coming, I am coming! Wait for me!' and I become joyful and courageous to face the storm.
God is so real. I am in Him, He is in me. And it is not a bad experience at all to play Peter's role.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
no title
So it has been a while. I dunno what image or what side of myself I should present to you all. Should I appear as a defeated loser? Should I appear tough and cheerful so that I will still bring joy and impact to the ppl around me?
I have been drawn so close to God these days. He has become very very dear to me, because I really do not know howelse I should walk thru this valley if not relying on Him alone. Like anyone on earth who has experienced any form of loss, I've found that I am in a place where no one else is able to help me, and I have no control over it at all. Once again I feel so helpless and frustrated, because there's nothing I can do to make my situation better. That's very humbling, it is the time the object of creation understands its identity in its Creator.
Yes I do look to Him at all times. I talk more to Him. I cry to Him all the time. I like the picture of Jesus the Good Shepherd holding a crippled lamb in His arm. I imagine myself as the lamb.
I pray hard everyday that I shall not lose my vision in the midst of my circumstance, I will not forget the very purpose of breaking up with Chris, i.e to serve God according to His perfect will. The pain of loss has not clouded my vision. I still preach, teach, exhort, minister to ppl...even though my own heart is bleeding. God has enabled me to put aside my own emotion when I serve Him and His ppl.
Worst still...today I've fallen sick, and tomorrow night my night shift starts again for 7 nights.I asked, why are these happening altogether? Standard answer would be, God is testing/training me. I dunno how I will go thru all this, only by God's strength. Only now I realise how much I have been dependant on Chris in times of physical sickness and exhaustion.
I dunno how far I should share my heart and pain. I guess by nature I dun usually appear weak publicly. I have always been perceived to be tough and I wanna continue to be tough, to be an encouragement to everyone. That's what I want. I break down only in my own room... I dunno if it is good or bad, but that's just me.
For those who have shown concern, thanks for loving me. Sometimes we do not know how to respond to such situation, i guess just by listening or a pat on the shoulder or a prayer should suffice.
God,God, God, plz heal me...so that I will soar high again.
I have been drawn so close to God these days. He has become very very dear to me, because I really do not know howelse I should walk thru this valley if not relying on Him alone. Like anyone on earth who has experienced any form of loss, I've found that I am in a place where no one else is able to help me, and I have no control over it at all. Once again I feel so helpless and frustrated, because there's nothing I can do to make my situation better. That's very humbling, it is the time the object of creation understands its identity in its Creator.
Yes I do look to Him at all times. I talk more to Him. I cry to Him all the time. I like the picture of Jesus the Good Shepherd holding a crippled lamb in His arm. I imagine myself as the lamb.
I pray hard everyday that I shall not lose my vision in the midst of my circumstance, I will not forget the very purpose of breaking up with Chris, i.e to serve God according to His perfect will. The pain of loss has not clouded my vision. I still preach, teach, exhort, minister to ppl...even though my own heart is bleeding. God has enabled me to put aside my own emotion when I serve Him and His ppl.
Worst still...today I've fallen sick, and tomorrow night my night shift starts again for 7 nights.I asked, why are these happening altogether? Standard answer would be, God is testing/training me. I dunno how I will go thru all this, only by God's strength. Only now I realise how much I have been dependant on Chris in times of physical sickness and exhaustion.
I dunno how far I should share my heart and pain. I guess by nature I dun usually appear weak publicly. I have always been perceived to be tough and I wanna continue to be tough, to be an encouragement to everyone. That's what I want. I break down only in my own room... I dunno if it is good or bad, but that's just me.
For those who have shown concern, thanks for loving me. Sometimes we do not know how to respond to such situation, i guess just by listening or a pat on the shoulder or a prayer should suffice.
God,God, God, plz heal me...so that I will soar high again.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
for Chris
Thank you dear for the 3 years that we spent. It was the best and most beautiful 3 years I ever had. I thank God for placing you in my life, even just for 3 years, my life has been enriched in every area.
I have no regrets, some may say 'what a waste of 3 years.', to me, it is never a waste. It was a great fun with you. I am so privileged to see your change and growth, i am so privileged to participate in your life even just for 3 years, and ran alongside you. I am so honoured by your transparency and honesty with me. You were not ashamed to admit your weaknesses/struggle to me. That's the beauty of this relationship. I know who you are and what you want, and vice versa. So it is never a waste. You were alwys there for me, to share with me in all the moments of discouragement, pain, sorrow and joy. Thank you dear. The relationship is so beautiful, you were and will indeed still be my best friend.
If there's ever any regret, that would be I have not been kind enuf to you. Forgive me of my wrongdoings against you and I am glad that you are very forgiving.
Dear, you are very special. What attracted me to you? It's the softness and sensitivity of your heart. That's a special gift from God that's not possessed by many guys. Your childlike faith for God amazes me. Your humility has struck an arrogant person like me, God indeed has used u to teach me humility as well as sensitivity to ppl.
Loyalty and determination is your virtue. Remeber we always said you are an observer and an analyser while I am a blind folded ox. You always see the big picture, weigh all options and opt for the best and safest; whereas I see only from one angle and dash into the dead end and get hurt. I have so much to learn from you.
Dear, always remember you are a great man of God with a destiny awaiting you. All that you've been thru in the past was specially planned by God to make you to be who you are now. I've seen very few ppl of humility and you are one of them.
We are so differnt in almost EVERY way,the things we like/eat/read/want and the way we think etc. That huge variety of difference has added beautiful colour to my life,and I learned that I m not the only species on earth,I learned to accept and embrace differences.Thanks to God,thanks to u.
Of course we fought. There were times when we sat in the opposing corners of the room in tears asking God and each other if there's any way out? I guess thru many arguments we discovered more of each other. Surprisingly after 3 years of fighting, as I look back now, we only grew more in love with each other. I begin to believe, any couple(Christian couples esp) should honour God and God will make them at peace. Now I do believe ppl of different worlds can love each other, and that flows from the love of Christ.
3 most beautiful years passed. To end it is indeed the most painful thing in our lives. But I agree with u, this is part of our journey. God used me to teach u, and He used you to enrich my life. Purpose accomplished. I m VERY proud of you that you chose to obey God's will. I admire and respect you for your courage and determination to call for a break, in order that God will accomplish what He wanna accomplish in each of our lives. They say true love is about letting go of each other for the best. I would not have the courage and big heart to let go of you, if it wasn't you who did that. You did that because you wanted to release me to fulfill the calling of God in my life. You are a true man of God, a real leader.
Im not sure what the future is like but I have a strong feeling, as we break up, we suffer for a short while but we will see more glorious wonders in future. I believe we'll continue to grow in love, not carnal love but the true love that is built in the love of JESUS, that love lasts forever.
No matter which mission field I will be in, which jungle/tribe I will go, I'm sure you'll support me, and VICE VERSA for your ministry. Im so proud of you. Im so thankful of you. How gracious God is, He lets us break up at the peak of our love, through intense suffering each of us is drawn near to HIM. Now that you've seen the big picture, your journey in God is gonna be exciting.
Rmember you are my BEST FREN, your problem and joy are mine. The mode of our relationship's changed, but the foundation has not, it'll flourish in God's hand, bigger than our imagination. I love you deeply my dear. I don't care what ppl think now. I want you to knw, you are the most special man I've met. Man of God, man of integrity, man of love, man of faith, man of character, man of wisdom, man of humility.
God bless you, my love.
I have no regrets, some may say 'what a waste of 3 years.', to me, it is never a waste. It was a great fun with you. I am so privileged to see your change and growth, i am so privileged to participate in your life even just for 3 years, and ran alongside you. I am so honoured by your transparency and honesty with me. You were not ashamed to admit your weaknesses/struggle to me. That's the beauty of this relationship. I know who you are and what you want, and vice versa. So it is never a waste. You were alwys there for me, to share with me in all the moments of discouragement, pain, sorrow and joy. Thank you dear. The relationship is so beautiful, you were and will indeed still be my best friend.
If there's ever any regret, that would be I have not been kind enuf to you. Forgive me of my wrongdoings against you and I am glad that you are very forgiving.
Dear, you are very special. What attracted me to you? It's the softness and sensitivity of your heart. That's a special gift from God that's not possessed by many guys. Your childlike faith for God amazes me. Your humility has struck an arrogant person like me, God indeed has used u to teach me humility as well as sensitivity to ppl.
Loyalty and determination is your virtue. Remeber we always said you are an observer and an analyser while I am a blind folded ox. You always see the big picture, weigh all options and opt for the best and safest; whereas I see only from one angle and dash into the dead end and get hurt. I have so much to learn from you.
Dear, always remember you are a great man of God with a destiny awaiting you. All that you've been thru in the past was specially planned by God to make you to be who you are now. I've seen very few ppl of humility and you are one of them.
We are so differnt in almost EVERY way,the things we like/eat/read/want and the way we think etc. That huge variety of difference has added beautiful colour to my life,and I learned that I m not the only species on earth,I learned to accept and embrace differences.Thanks to God,thanks to u.
Of course we fought. There were times when we sat in the opposing corners of the room in tears asking God and each other if there's any way out? I guess thru many arguments we discovered more of each other. Surprisingly after 3 years of fighting, as I look back now, we only grew more in love with each other. I begin to believe, any couple(Christian couples esp) should honour God and God will make them at peace. Now I do believe ppl of different worlds can love each other, and that flows from the love of Christ.
3 most beautiful years passed. To end it is indeed the most painful thing in our lives. But I agree with u, this is part of our journey. God used me to teach u, and He used you to enrich my life. Purpose accomplished. I m VERY proud of you that you chose to obey God's will. I admire and respect you for your courage and determination to call for a break, in order that God will accomplish what He wanna accomplish in each of our lives. They say true love is about letting go of each other for the best. I would not have the courage and big heart to let go of you, if it wasn't you who did that. You did that because you wanted to release me to fulfill the calling of God in my life. You are a true man of God, a real leader.
Im not sure what the future is like but I have a strong feeling, as we break up, we suffer for a short while but we will see more glorious wonders in future. I believe we'll continue to grow in love, not carnal love but the true love that is built in the love of JESUS, that love lasts forever.
No matter which mission field I will be in, which jungle/tribe I will go, I'm sure you'll support me, and VICE VERSA for your ministry. Im so proud of you. Im so thankful of you. How gracious God is, He lets us break up at the peak of our love, through intense suffering each of us is drawn near to HIM. Now that you've seen the big picture, your journey in God is gonna be exciting.
Rmember you are my BEST FREN, your problem and joy are mine. The mode of our relationship's changed, but the foundation has not, it'll flourish in God's hand, bigger than our imagination. I love you deeply my dear. I don't care what ppl think now. I want you to knw, you are the most special man I've met. Man of God, man of integrity, man of love, man of faith, man of character, man of wisdom, man of humility.
God bless you, my love.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
help me Lord
My heart is torn to thousands of pieces. A very important decision has been made unto my life and I accepted it, because I know it is God's will, it can only be handled this way. There is no other way. God has told me clearly recently.
God's will or my own desire? I hope I have chosen God's. His will is not mine, His thought is higher than mine. I hope I have gone the right path.
Oh God...heal me. plzzz...I can't go on without YOU. My heart is voided. I have given up something for Your sake, out of my obedience to You .Fill the void with Your grace and faith please otherwise I won't make it. I am too weak now.
Plz pray for me, those who love me. I will stop blogging for a while.
God's will or my own desire? I hope I have chosen God's. His will is not mine, His thought is higher than mine. I hope I have gone the right path.
Oh God...heal me. plzzz...I can't go on without YOU. My heart is voided. I have given up something for Your sake, out of my obedience to You .Fill the void with Your grace and faith please otherwise I won't make it. I am too weak now.
Plz pray for me, those who love me. I will stop blogging for a while.
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