My journey with God has been very interesting. I have come to the point where I can truly say, Father, You alone are enough, You alone are my all in all, my portion, my everything. I said the same thing in the past, when I preached and taught the bible, I told everyone that God must be our all in all. But this time it is different.
And God had to take me this far and break me this much in order to show me my hidden agenda. Yes I did love God, but I also loved the provision. I cared more about the gifts rather then the Giver Himself. I loved the blessings, the anointing, the fellowship,the ministry,the fame, the calling, the vision etc. I was a Pharisee, a hypocrite. I loved God, but I loved the whole package of blessings more.
God began to remove them one by one, and each time when He did that, He asked, 'Siew Wai, do you love ME?' it was very difficult and i did not understand why and what He was doing. 'God,why did You ask? Did I not love You?'...at the end, when I was stripped bare and left with nothing, then I realised, I loved God , but I did not love ALL of God. Maybe His hands, maybe His feet, not all.
It was very humbling and difficult in the beginning. When Jesus asked Peter 'Do you love ME' for 3 times, Peter was hurt. But it took the Lord to do this again and again in order to reveal to Peter what true love is. I feel as if I was Peter that God had to try and test me again and again in order to show me, it is easy to say 'Yes I love God' when you have all the provisions, not when you have nothing.
In the beginning of this year when He asked me to let go of things that I held so dearly, He told me 'Siew Wai, I alone will be sufficient for you, I will be your portion and your all in all. ' I did not understand at all.
Now I do understand. Now that He has taken everything from me; I am so broken and poor in spirit and in heart, I have finally had the conviction that 'Yes Father, You are my portion, my all in all.'
Things that were important to me no longer are important to me now. Relationship? Comfort? Ministry? Vision and calling? Anointing?? Yes these are the blessings and are essential, they will surely come because God is delighted in blessing us. But these are no longer my focus. They are not important to me now anymore.
What matters to me now is, God, are You in me and I in You? I want ALL of You. Like marriage, like husband and wife in one, I want and am content to be only having You. I thank You if You give me the blessings and provisions, but even if there is none, I still want You. My whole world has shrunken to only You and I.
Thank You for breaking me and allowing pain and suffering in my life. Without it, I would never come to find my real identity in You. I am poor and broken , yet I am rich and complete. I still cry a lot these days, but now it is with tears of real joy .
Monday, August 27, 2007
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I was in the hospital - as a patient
This is gonna sound very funny but it did happen to me. What else? My life has always been filled with stories like this, no wonder my friends call me a clown =)
7pm Thursday, I met up with a very sweet young lady for dinner. I was having a very yummy chicken salad and all of a sudden , I had this very severe abdominal pain, it felt as if a pair of invisible hands were holding both ends of my bowels and squeezing them real hard...I went home, tried to have some rest but the pain just wouldn't go away.
I was in agony and couldn't help but cry and pray the whole night. 10 hours passed, the pain was still there, and became more severe. And I threw up twice.
Well, this is very embarrassing but I have to confess that in the course of this pain I did something very stupid. Initially when the pain was a generalized cramping pain, I thought it was my period cramp so based on my personal experience and limited medical knowledge, I took some NSAIDs and thought it should calm the pain. It did not occur to me that I should NOT have taken the NSAIDs until the pain became a localised epigastric pain, when it is localised epigastric pain, it is very likely to be a gastric problem. I was like 'Oh God, how can I be so dumb?!!! shame on you SW shame on you!'....NSAIDs are contraindicated in gastric, it is utterly unacceptable that a medically trained person would do such thing on herself. I was really quite amused by myself.
Initially I rejected the idea of going to the hospital because I know what the doctors would do to me because that is what I would do to any patients who come in with epigastric pain. I knew they would most probably give me some pain killer and send me home. But at 6 am, the pain was so great that I had to call my colleague.
He rushed to my place (he confessed later that he actually had to wear his dirty clothes because that was what he could grab from the floor in his haste to come over). And guess what? As we were going to the hospital, I realized my medical cover had just expired a few days ago.
So we had to go to the public hospital in town, the very famous hospital where I used to work as a medical student. While waiting for the doctor, we were formulating the standard questions he/she might ask, the possible procedures they might perform and the medicines that they might give. And we have agreed that if they wanted to put up a drip, I would probably let my friend put in the needle because he is very skilled.
As I was lying in one of the cubicles, I heard a very familiar voice. I remember that doc , he gave me a tough time when I did my placement there as medical student. I was sliding down the bed and hiding my face underneath the blanket and whispered to my friend, 'I dun wanna be seen by him.'
My very cheeky friend thought I should have gone to our hospital because i would probably get seen sooner, and one of our good friends was on duty, he can examine me. Nawwww no way! I'd not go back to my own hospital and let anyone whom i know lay one finger on my tummy.
Finally at 8 am, a doctor came. To help saving his time, I went straight to presenting my own history to him. It felt very odd, I present cases to my colleagues/bosses everyday, just that now I was presenting myself. It went like 'I presented with 12 hours of acute onset severe abdo pain 9/10 , started generalised and later localised in epigastrium, colicky in nature. Associated with 2 episodes of vomiting. No diarrhea .........' (I skipped the part where I took NSAIDs out of my stupidity hehe :P)
As soon as he heard my 'case presentation' he knew I was medically trained, and in addition to that , it gave him a good laugh when we introduced ourselves as interns working in the EMERGENCY DEPT of another hospital. What an irony, he smiled and said.
So, the nurse came to give me some injection in my bum. I jab many patients everyday, I assure you that it certainly did not feel good to be at the receiving end.
Just like what I predicted, they gave me some pain killer and a medical certificate, and sent me home.
What a wonderful experience to be a patient in the Emergency dept while I myself am currently working at the emergency dept of another hospital. My friend just could not stop laughing at me while he drove me home and he promised he would circulate the story amongst our colleagues and give everyone a good laugh =) If he ever does that, I will thank him by telling everyone he looked like a porn star in the clothes that he wore in a haste, the V neck jumper without anything underneath :P
7pm Thursday, I met up with a very sweet young lady for dinner. I was having a very yummy chicken salad and all of a sudden , I had this very severe abdominal pain, it felt as if a pair of invisible hands were holding both ends of my bowels and squeezing them real hard...I went home, tried to have some rest but the pain just wouldn't go away.
I was in agony and couldn't help but cry and pray the whole night. 10 hours passed, the pain was still there, and became more severe. And I threw up twice.
Well, this is very embarrassing but I have to confess that in the course of this pain I did something very stupid. Initially when the pain was a generalized cramping pain, I thought it was my period cramp so based on my personal experience and limited medical knowledge, I took some NSAIDs and thought it should calm the pain. It did not occur to me that I should NOT have taken the NSAIDs until the pain became a localised epigastric pain, when it is localised epigastric pain, it is very likely to be a gastric problem. I was like 'Oh God, how can I be so dumb?!!! shame on you SW shame on you!'....NSAIDs are contraindicated in gastric, it is utterly unacceptable that a medically trained person would do such thing on herself. I was really quite amused by myself.
Initially I rejected the idea of going to the hospital because I know what the doctors would do to me because that is what I would do to any patients who come in with epigastric pain. I knew they would most probably give me some pain killer and send me home. But at 6 am, the pain was so great that I had to call my colleague.
He rushed to my place (he confessed later that he actually had to wear his dirty clothes because that was what he could grab from the floor in his haste to come over). And guess what? As we were going to the hospital, I realized my medical cover had just expired a few days ago.
So we had to go to the public hospital in town, the very famous hospital where I used to work as a medical student. While waiting for the doctor, we were formulating the standard questions he/she might ask, the possible procedures they might perform and the medicines that they might give. And we have agreed that if they wanted to put up a drip, I would probably let my friend put in the needle because he is very skilled.
As I was lying in one of the cubicles, I heard a very familiar voice. I remember that doc , he gave me a tough time when I did my placement there as medical student. I was sliding down the bed and hiding my face underneath the blanket and whispered to my friend, 'I dun wanna be seen by him.'
My very cheeky friend thought I should have gone to our hospital because i would probably get seen sooner, and one of our good friends was on duty, he can examine me. Nawwww no way! I'd not go back to my own hospital and let anyone whom i know lay one finger on my tummy.
Finally at 8 am, a doctor came. To help saving his time, I went straight to presenting my own history to him. It felt very odd, I present cases to my colleagues/bosses everyday, just that now I was presenting myself. It went like 'I presented with 12 hours of acute onset severe abdo pain 9/10 , started generalised and later localised in epigastrium, colicky in nature. Associated with 2 episodes of vomiting. No diarrhea .........' (I skipped the part where I took NSAIDs out of my stupidity hehe :P)
As soon as he heard my 'case presentation' he knew I was medically trained, and in addition to that , it gave him a good laugh when we introduced ourselves as interns working in the EMERGENCY DEPT of another hospital. What an irony, he smiled and said.
So, the nurse came to give me some injection in my bum. I jab many patients everyday, I assure you that it certainly did not feel good to be at the receiving end.
Just like what I predicted, they gave me some pain killer and a medical certificate, and sent me home.
What a wonderful experience to be a patient in the Emergency dept while I myself am currently working at the emergency dept of another hospital. My friend just could not stop laughing at me while he drove me home and he promised he would circulate the story amongst our colleagues and give everyone a good laugh =) If he ever does that, I will thank him by telling everyone he looked like a porn star in the clothes that he wore in a haste, the V neck jumper without anything underneath :P
Sunday, August 19, 2007
KL
I was randomly browsing the class blog, suddenly feel like putting up some old pictures.
These are some of the pictures we took in KL in July...These folks are my childhood friends, we have known each other since highschool in1994..........phew ( man, that's 13 years ago...i began to have cold sweat when i think about how MATURE i am now)
I am not sure if any of these mates come to my blog. but i wanna tell them i really miss them.
These are some of the pictures we took in KL in July...These folks are my childhood friends, we have known each other since highschool in1994..........phew ( man, that's 13 years ago...i began to have cold sweat when i think about how MATURE i am now)
I am not sure if any of these mates come to my blog. but i wanna tell them i really miss them.
finally finally finally
And finally….
I am back!
Just a lil bit of update since my last post, it has been 5-6 weeks since I got back from Malaysia and many things have been going on since then, and seriously I have no idea about where to start :)
(I realise I said the same thing all the time)
Well, my life has been packed with tests and trials from God in the last few months, yet it can be summarised into a few sentences, i.e.:
1. God tested/tried/disciplined me again and again, sometimes to the point I felt I had no more strength to go on (literally felt like giving up my life, but don’t worry, it was just a very transient thought :P),
2. yet God has been faithful to sustain me.
3. By taking away ALL my sources of strength, comfort and security, He taught me to find strength directly from Him.
4. He removed ALL the distracting factors and streamlined my focus on the things that He has called me to.
5. He has begun His work of breaking me down in order to rebuild a better me.
….hmm hehe I wish the real process could be as short and simple as the few sentences above, even though it is not. I asked God, ‘How long more??!! Very painful You know?’ ; God said, ‘ Until you have finally become like Christ.’
Trust me, it is very ( very very x100) painful when God breaks us, and I believe all my brothers and sisters in Christ have had/will have similar experience with God, maybe through different circumstances. Yet I believe God does not do nothing without a wise objective behind. I believe at the end of the day, God will accomplish what He wants to, and I will become more like Christ!
It is a very good deal; God is like doing me a very big favour. Think about that, for every big examination, we pay the school/college/organisation a big amount of exam fees in order to sit the exam and get the certificate. But in the case of God, He initiates the tests, He sets up the scenes and equipments, He writes the exam questions, He sits with us throughout the whole examination and even holds our hands to write the answers. All we have to do is just to personally sit the exam, no fees required. And as if that’s not enough to describe His goodness, He makes sure we pass the exam with flying colours.
The more I think about this real good deal, the more I feel I can go through the tests.
Now I am able to laugh :)))))), not because the circumstances have changed, but my eyes are open to see the unseen. Yay, I am more than a conqueror, maybe the next minute I won’t FEEL like it but what the heck, the FACT is God has made me more than a conqueror. The enemy is the loser, big time loser.
I am back!
Just a lil bit of update since my last post, it has been 5-6 weeks since I got back from Malaysia and many things have been going on since then, and seriously I have no idea about where to start :)
(I realise I said the same thing all the time)
Well, my life has been packed with tests and trials from God in the last few months, yet it can be summarised into a few sentences, i.e.:
1. God tested/tried/disciplined me again and again, sometimes to the point I felt I had no more strength to go on (literally felt like giving up my life, but don’t worry, it was just a very transient thought :P),
2. yet God has been faithful to sustain me.
3. By taking away ALL my sources of strength, comfort and security, He taught me to find strength directly from Him.
4. He removed ALL the distracting factors and streamlined my focus on the things that He has called me to.
5. He has begun His work of breaking me down in order to rebuild a better me.
….hmm hehe I wish the real process could be as short and simple as the few sentences above, even though it is not. I asked God, ‘How long more??!! Very painful You know?’ ; God said, ‘ Until you have finally become like Christ.’
Trust me, it is very ( very very x100) painful when God breaks us, and I believe all my brothers and sisters in Christ have had/will have similar experience with God, maybe through different circumstances. Yet I believe God does not do nothing without a wise objective behind. I believe at the end of the day, God will accomplish what He wants to, and I will become more like Christ!
It is a very good deal; God is like doing me a very big favour. Think about that, for every big examination, we pay the school/college/organisation a big amount of exam fees in order to sit the exam and get the certificate. But in the case of God, He initiates the tests, He sets up the scenes and equipments, He writes the exam questions, He sits with us throughout the whole examination and even holds our hands to write the answers. All we have to do is just to personally sit the exam, no fees required. And as if that’s not enough to describe His goodness, He makes sure we pass the exam with flying colours.
The more I think about this real good deal, the more I feel I can go through the tests.
Now I am able to laugh :)))))), not because the circumstances have changed, but my eyes are open to see the unseen. Yay, I am more than a conqueror, maybe the next minute I won’t FEEL like it but what the heck, the FACT is God has made me more than a conqueror. The enemy is the loser, big time loser.
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