Christmas - the 6th day

More photos at www.siewwai.zenfolio.com

merry christmas - the 7th day

More photos availabe at www.siewwai.zenfolio.com


This is my first Christmas in Australia. My 5th Christmas ever since I discovered the story of Christmas and began to understand the beauty and true meaning of it.








My Christmas Eve was very well spent, the way I never expected it. Of course I worked in the day, and contrary to popular opinion that I would definitely head off for one party after another, I actually felt like hitting home for a quiet and early night. Hmm...never quite the way I wanted but I wasn't feeling my best yesterday...you know, the package of light headedness, lethargy, pale, cramps etc etc ;) and it doesn't help knowing that I would have a long day at work on Christmas day.








So I went home, though unwell yet wanna go to the gym ; went to the gym and to my surprise they weren't open; disappointed and hit home again...








Then I saw my housemate crouching in the couch using her laptop. It can't be she had no appointment on the Christmas Eve...Unlike her,my not-going-out-on-Christmas-Eve was fully justified by the fact that I was unwell and had to work through the whole Christmas Day.








So I suggested to do something different, we were headed to Glenelg, bought the awesome Organic pizza, sat by the beach, saw the magnificent sunset, took some photos, had my favourite Cibo, did some crazy shopping , then home.....








Why was I so excited about this?Because it was a Christmas Eve that was spent with my housemate of whom I've not seen much. Can't believe what the daily rat race has done to us. We have stayed under the same roof for 5 months and yesterday for the first time I knew that she liked golfing and dancing etc...








Anyway...My Christmas entry will be continued...too tired now.

My hiding place in the midst of craziness - the 9th day

The cafe is called the Courtyard Cafe, located in the heart of the hospital and they make brilliant coffee.












It was a valuable 20 minutes break when I took this shot, love to just sit in the shade with a cuppa in my hand. Summer is the best time to sit outside.




























































































Matthew 6:26 ' Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?'

Just a lil thought of the day.

the supposedly day 17 - the 13th day

I have not forgotten about my commitment here :) It is an absolutely lovely day 13 today!


Now now, before anything else, lemme introduce to you my new playground ( it is still under construction now )....ta da!


www.siewwai.zenfolio.com


Finally found a place to showcase my work!


And these are some of the snapshots I took in the Barossa Valley, was there just a few days ago with my church friends. Every picture has a story to tell.


I am happy, terribly happy now. Not just right here right now at this moment, but at this stage generally speaking. Yeay, talk about finishing the year well. Anyone cares to join my club?












Apparently this used to be a nesting place for some birds....
































Someone's boy





























I just like this shot...





























And this...

































And this...


:) will be back tomorrow.

Maybe I should sleep now - the 18th day

So today is the 18th day towards the end of 2007. It is already 11:50, finished work at 9pm, picked up a friend from another friend's place, just got home feeling exhausted. And it doesnt help to know that tmrw I'll have to get up earlier than usual for work. Maybe I should stop typing now, maybe I should just sleep. But, naw, it is the 18th day to the 31st.


Today I got my roster for next year. Anaesthetic, Intensive Care Unit, Surgical and Emergency Department. It is gonna be a brand new experience. What is it gonna be like? Being wrapped in surgical scrubs day and night means I am gonna make my public appearance in scrubs. ( Scrubs, you know, those greenish blueish pyjamas like tops that we see in Grey's Anatomy)...there goes all my fancy clothes and shoes and accessories :(


But it is gonna be a whole new experience at work. Right now I am very comfortable with what I am doing now. After a year I have had the hang of it, I've come to know how to be a good intern, I've grown to be confident and authoritative in doing what I am meant to do. The best thing is, my boss trust me because I've proven myself throughout the year (and it is the same for all other interns), yet I don't bear the true responsibility. I am covered by my boss, I dun have the heavy burden on my shoulders.


Sometimes I do wish to just stay at this stage. It seems to be the safest and most comfortable place. I wonder what I'd be like if I were to carry on for 1 more year.


But, naw...I am glad I am finishing my internship. Unlike many other interns, I don't feel drained or exhausted. I am just bored. I want to do something greater and different.


This year has been great and challenging, I believe next year there is more to come. I've trusted in God, I am trusting in Him, and I will continue to trust in Him.

gusto - the 19th day

Today in my mid term assessment my consultant wrote : ' Dr Wong is a delightful and well respected intern who is finishing off her internship with gusto, she provides excellent care for the patients. ' ...I caught him on the ward and made him do my assessment there and then. I smiled, when I read it.

Then my eye went down to the next line, area of improvement : 'She needs to improve her hand writing.' : ( What!...his is no where better than mine..anyway, just because he is my consultant...

To be honest, I really love what I am doing now. Have you watched Hairspray? Every morning I feel like that girl, wake up looking forward to going to work, to enjoying the good 45 minute drive, to following the wardround, to talking and treating my patients...and then time passes very quickly.

Work to me is not a torment, it is a sense fulfilment and achievement. Maybe because I love the rush of adrenaline, or maybe I simply believe we ought to choose what we love , and love what we choose. I believe in loving our jobs. To me, doctor is not just a job; it is a means of serving God and His ppl.

1 Cor 10:31, 'so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.'

I love pacing around getting things done. My consultant thinks I am too fast for him, he gives me nicknames like Mighty Mouse, Typhoon Siew Wai etc etc...but all in all, I like the way he wrote my assessment , 'she is finishing off her internship with GUSTO.'

All glory to God, I live with enthusiasm and passion because of Him. Amen :)

What is unchangeable?- the 21st day

Nothing is unchangeable. While I was very young I used to believe as long as I stayed the same and persisted, things would go the way I wanted it to be. It was a long and gradual process that God and the world have taken to teach me that nothing will stay the same forever. Things change from moment to moment, even if it is the most seemingly unnoticeable change. To us the cloud looks the same now and 1 minute later, but actually it changes in its shape every single second; and to me, Glenelg looks the same every year, even though the sea level rises in milimeters every year. So, things do change, nothing stays the same.

December is an interesting month, and this has always been the month of changes. I am feeling it now, yes only until this year. Maybe I've forgotten how I felt in the past years anyway. Maybe I said the same thing every year :)


And it is already mid Dec now. 21 more days to go and the grand 2008 will be coming. I m starting to feel slightly terrified now, at the thought that time passes silently and quickly , even before we know or act.

How will I spend the last 21 days of 2007? Everyone starts their new year with new year resolutions, few ppl put their attention in ending the year well.


I am gonna live the last 21 days the way I've never been before. It begins here. Yeay!!! Lets party hard!!! Get drunk!! Nay...thats NOT true. Just joking.


Conclusion of the 21st day: Nothing is unchangeable, only God is. Siew Wai, Siew Wai, let your heart be cool and not troubled by the changes.

:)

I am just so relaxed now. Such is my life after the season of winter and dryness. Is my life hectic? Yes very much. Is my job stressful? Well, at times it can be. Do I feel lonely because I am single and away from family? No, not at all. In fact in this phase of my life I just feel that I can do so much more and enjoy God, enjoy my life, enjoy everything to the fullest. Every single second my heart leaps with joy, be it at work, at home, on my way to work, at chuch, at the gym, catching up with friends, spending time alone, running to the beach , sipping my coffee, etc etc etc...I just feel that, God has infiltrated His perfect peace and joy in every part of me. I have never come to this stage, where I can truly say, The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. I SHALL NOT BE IN WANT.



This is what I feel now. I lack nothing. I seriously lack nothing at all. This is what I call completeness, fullstop. Just like the era of King David has passed, the era of wars has ended and then Soloman enjoys peace while he reigns. My David's era has just ended not long ago, God has brought me to the season of rest and prosperity. I am not talking about material prosperity. I am talking about the state of my heart. I dunno how to describe, I just feel so rich, so rich, so rich in my heart. I literally feel God's hand on me ALL THE TIME,His blessings poured down more than abundantly, I am drenched in it.



What's wrong with being single? Why shall we whinge and be worried about not having a bf or gf? I told God, yes, if this is it, then this is it. I will be content with whatever that He gives me. I can love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength , no division of the heart, no distraction. Just God, and me. And I dun want anything or anyone to come in and disturb me.


I am so happy. Naw, actually happy is not the word to use. It is more than mere happiness. It is pure joy, the state of truly REJOICING IN GOD.


I dunno how I do it. Must be God.


I have no problem being alone. When I was younger I loved travelling alone, but in my heart I was lonely, the whole world was just me in a black hole.
Now I still love doing things alone (having said that, I still love spending time with my friends), but God is in it.


My new year resolution? :) My prayer is that God will help me , to live my life to the fullest according to the purpose that He destined for me, in every single day and opportunity I wanna experience Him and the life that He gives me with maximal passion ; may all my senses be so empowered and sharpened, to feel, taste, see, hear and experience Him.


Use me, God.

my camera

I must share this....so I have decided to abandon my old film SLR (I have not used that for a 2-3 years) and switch to DSLR.


I bought a set of photography equipment online from the States, finally got it just 3 weeks ago:) so the story goes all the way back to 3 weeks ago, I was very excited and could not wait to start shooting with my new toy, even without a camera bag. I literally stuffed my new camera into my handbag.and....guess what, as I got too excited talking with my friends, I swung my handbag and it slipped off my hand, dropped on the ground from a great height! Mind you it was only the 3rd day of its arrival....The internal parts were damaged and the only way out is to fix it.

Some of my friends suggested to send it back to the States and claimed that it was a faulty item to start with. Of course I did not do this, instead of that I sent it to the local Canon for repair, knowing that it would probably cost me a fortune. The Canon guy told me the labour fee itself would cost me $350, and that does not include replacement of the parts which I believe can be very expensive.

To cut the long story short, just a few days ago I received a quotation letter from Canon telling me the damage was very minor, the total cost including replacement of the parts was only $94. Wow!!! When I read the letter my jaw dropped, the only question that came thru my mind was, ' How can it be so cheap?', if it was not a miracle from God then it must have been a typo.






That day I was the happiest person in the world. It was not just the money, but what mattered the most was that God again showed me right in my face His faithfulness. I could have been dishonest with the camera trader and said it was a faulty product and asked for a full refund; but I chose to honour God . And, as a result He honours me :)

Anyway, these photos are taken by me, edited by Joshua.

my favourite shot, edited into black and white by Joshua.

Henley Beach

Lil Joshua

Lil Joshua and his dad, both from Ethiopia

stay tuned

My life has been very happening lately, (as usual :)) , very busy.

but but but, will be right back :)

girls, you are beautiful

Out of the blue I feel like dedicating this post to my girlfriends. ALL my girlfriends in general. (Of course my dearest sister in Sydney is included, just in case she gets jealous :P...of course you are my best pal. )


Many many times I thank God for my girlfriends in my life. Many many of you have made a huge difference in my life. Many of you touched me and left a mark in my life unknowingly. My life has been enriched by God through you. And right now as I look upon my own life, I feel like crying and hugging each of you and saying truly genuinely from my heart, thank you thank you and thank you for being who you are , for being so beautiful in God's eyes, and in mine too.


I wasn't quite like this a few years back, esp before I believed in God. Being well known for my tomboyish personality, I could never get close with any girls. I disliked shopping (ehem ehem) and anything to do with cosmetics; I hated any girlish activities , for example sitting around the table sipping coffee and talking about the latest trends or spending the whole day learning to cook; I despised the idea of getting married, sacrificing your own dreams, raising up children and revolving your life around your husband. I could not stand it when girls wasted their time talking about their Prince Charming and their boyfriends, or even gossiping about other girls. Ultimately what I disliked was the whole make up of a girl's personality that's very sensitive and easily offended.


Haha I am talking as if I was not a girl ;P


Therefore I DID not have many close girl friends. Most of my close friends and even my best friend used to be guys. They were my buddies.


God is very funny and so sweet that when He birthed a new life in me, He has also given me a new heart to love girls. When I look back, I realise He first made me secure in my own identity and comfortable to be myself, then He opened doors for me to go into the lives of many girls and vice versa.


I am serious, I guess to a certain extent I did struggle with my identity. I always wished I was born to be a man because I thought I could do so much more if only I was one. It drove me nuts when someone thought I was less successful because of my gender. In primary school, I was only elected as a vice president of the prefect board just because the teachers intended to reserve the position of president for a boy, who later turned out to be someone lacked leadership. I always wanted to prove my strengths; outdoing a girl was not a concern to me, my whole aim was to prove that I could do a better job than my male counterparts.


Phew... I could never be a boy by natural gender, so I behaved like one and even wanted to be stronger than anyone of them. That's why I only wore pants, shove my hair, walked, talked and played sports like a boy. I rarely cried or whinged. Behaving like a girl would make me appear weak, I dint want that.


So God has changed me :) And not only that, He puts a very very special place in my heart for girls. Girls from all walks of life, girls in any stage of their journeys, girls of any age. I began to view girls from a different and better perspective, and through God's eye, I see the cute little princess in the every girl's heart. I want to open my arms for every girl who crosses my path, and tell each of them that they are absolutely beautiful and lovely.


I understand you, my girl friends. I m not old in my age, but I have been through a few things in my past esp before I met Christ. Insecurity, identity problem, lack of confidence/even too much confidence, depression, suicidal, rebellion, arrogance, fears, rejections, betrayal, relationships, break ups, flings and affairs, sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, drugs, alcohol, the struggles in uni and at work , loss of direction, loneliness, brokenness etc etc etc etc... and undoubtedly more new challenges will come but I am not fearful. If God has birthed a new life and hope, He will sustain me till the end.


Therefore I understand you my girlfriends. For everything that you are struggling now, I wanna embrace you and tell you God loves you, so do I.


One of the younger girls confided in me in regard to how she had been repeatedly falling into the same trap because of the wrong decisions she made. Somehow my heart was aching and burdened, I held her in my arms and wept and wept and wept. I saw myself in it, years ago, allowing myself to live a defeated life because of the wrong decisions that I made. I saw a very lonely and broken soul plunged into darkness, sobbing but no one heard her (undoubtedly God heard it). I plead with you, young girl, please don't hurt yourself by living a life according to your flesh. I understand you and wanna protect you.


...


Thank you for being there for me, my girlfriends. Thank you for being great and mighty women in my life. I feel rich, so rich, so rich. God bless your beautiful hearts.

tomorrow's menu

Ask me what I crave now, I'd scream out loud 'I want a bowl of fish ball noodles! and lotsa fried onion and coriander on top, preferably with a few drops of sesame oil. Oh yeah, not to forget the chopped chili padi.' That will satisfy my craving now, that will do:) And after that gimme a cendol with lotsa lotsa coconut milk and syrup. The meal will be completed with a BBQ pork pastry (Seremban Siu Pao), then an eggtart fresh from the oven....

Slurp slurpp..

Then the breakie for tomorrow will be wan ton noodles , a red bean bun and a cup of teh tarik.

Lunch will be chicken rice and bean sprouts in oyster sauce.

What about dinner? I'd be the happiest person if mom prepares the dinner. Steamed fish with mushroom and tofu; stir fried vege with lotsa garlic; fried eggs sprinkled with soy sauce; sweet and sour king prawns ; chef's special vegetarian dish ( only mom knows the recipe, passed down from grandma :) ) ...


To complete the day, of course I will have supper just before bed time. The best supper is when I have it with my family at the mamak near my house. Roti kosong with dal is a must-have; but usually one is not enough, I will need a plate of maggie goreng extra hot to satisfy my appetite....


Well.. there's no harm to fantasize about being home. I miss home truly madly deeply.

no topic

I am so tired! My mind has stopped functioning not just while I drove home, but it stopped way back when I discharged my last patient, handed over everything to the night crew, grabbed my bag and paced myself out of the hospital.


Driving home at 12am is not too bad at all, at least it is way better than driving home in the morning, after a night shift. I dozed off many times while I drove home after long night shifts, esp when the traffic was very slow in the mornings. As anyone can imagine, it is the busiest hour when everyone rushes toward the city for work. I, just like everyone else , rush toward the city, not for work, but off work for my bed. The fact that I have never hit the bum of the cars in front or the lamp posts or anything else is in itself a miracle. I praise God everytime when I see the sight of my house. Seriously, I am not joking!...One of my colleagues told me he banged the car in front because he was so drowsy after a night shift , ended up taking cab to work for a month. Another friend told me his car went off the road because he fell asleep whilst driving, that was after his night shift.


I am always in dilemma after each night shift. Should I load myself with coffee before driving or not? If I do, then I won't be able to sleep when I get home. If I don't, then I might not reach home alive...hehe...


So last week as usual I was driving home after a big mug of coffee (that was 2 table spoonful of instant coffee powder). The energy surge after caffeine only lasted for abt 15 minutes. Awww...I knew I gotta stop I gotta stop before anything happened, or I would have to pay thousands of dollars for any damage of other cars. So I pulled over , found an open car park, picked the most secluded spot and fell in a stupor almost instantaneously.


I guess I must have been in there for nearly 2 hours. The weather out there changed from sunny to light drizzling, then heavy rain pour, then it became windy, then sunny, then cloudy, then rainy again, then back to sunny etc...and guess what, throughout the 2 hrs I was still in this constant stupor.


I reckon doctors should have pay rise...what I am making now is less than my other friends in other fields, who spent much fewer years in the uni, paid much less uni fees, work much shorter hours and always have public hols and weekends off, who don't have to be exposed to medical hazzards such as infections and needle stick injuries etcetc... Who said doctor is a prestigous job? The reality is, I have to stick my finger into ppls anus to examine their rectums, sometimes to dig out their poo too if they are severely constipated...Hello, talk about prestige...and we don't sit in the office, it is a forever bye to long nails, tight skirts and high heels, unless I want my legs broken.


But all in all, Im absolutely in love with what I am doing :) I am exhausted physically but in here (my heart), I am rich. I know this is for me. To anyone who is interested to study medicine, think twice, don't enter the field for a wrong reason.

psalm 23...

photography

I've become very excited now whenever I think about shooting. I should briefly share about my passion for photography. It all started 7-8 years ago while I was still a young school kid (ehem at least I was much younger than now). That was before I studied medicine, I thought I would end up being a photographer for the National Geographic Magazines. I was crazy about it, I would go to those photography exhibitions and lingered till someone had to drag me out of it.My first boyfriend who loved me very much then bought me a very expensive SLR, I was the happiest person. That was my first toy.


Back then all cameras were film cameras. I remember carrying my film SLR wherever I went, to the class, the sports day, the weddings, the ceremonies, the funerals, the outdoor adventures, the trips etc...I shot like crazy, and hehe mom paid like crazy too :) the best part was, I only liked black and white films, those films were a few times more expensive than the normal colour films.


Then I kinda stopped shooting since I came to Australia. I dunno why...maybe because I have had other commitments. In that whole time of staying here, I nearly stopped doing everything that I liked. I stopped shooting, stopped painting/sketching, stopped long distance cycling, stopped going for wild adventures.


I did not realize how much I've missed photography until my friend showed me his toys a few weeks ago. Holding his DSLR and telescope lens in my hands, I felt the very raw passion for photography was once again roused.


I wanna do it once again, I wanna do it well, and this time not for myself, but I wanna do it to bless other people.
I wanna shoot ppl and cheer them up, I wanna shoot every single thing around us to remind ourselves that God cares about small things, I wanna shoot the nature to make ppl go like 'WOAaa the Creator of the universe is amazing!'


My another friend Chi Too is a photographer back home. He was one of the very first ppl who inspired me to shoot better photographs, yesterday I went to him like a 3 year old and told him I've found back my passion for photography,I was like 'Did you feel my excitement? Could you see it?!!' , he was like ' yea I can see it oozing out of your orifices.'...awwww


These are some of his recent shots in Papua New Guinea...enjoy :)

...

To my new brother in Christ

I m not sure when you will read this. But you know that this is for you :)

First of all, congratulation! You have made the best decision in ur life. Please dun mind me (or us) keep telling you that you have made the best decision, not that we know your life inside out that we have the ability or rights to say anything about your decisions in life. But it is a truth.

Did you know I was so anxious at the end of the message, when the preacher told us to close our eyes and slip up our hands if anyone among us choose to respond to God's calling? I was praying and praying in my heart, God God! Please give him the courage and faith to take that one step. Please touch him and let him see You!

I felt something in my heart, very strongly, it felt exactly the same when I sat with my unbelieving friend in church 4 months ago as she responded to God. The same feeling told me this time something significant was going to happen.

So I was very tempted to peek what you would do. Would you lift up your hand? My heart was pounding, almost coming out of my mouth.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw the the same old you. Nothing dramatic. You didn't say anything. There was a slight disappointment sinking in my heart. I thought, well, maybe next time. I shouldn't push things....

It was only when the counselor came to you that I knew you DID actually lifted up your hand! Did you see the joy and excitement written all over my face? Did you even see the tears in my eyes? I was overjoyed, my whole heart was praising God for His mercy and grace, for His transforming power, for His sovereignty. I couldn't help but praise God again and again for what He has done for you.

I recall those days when I first met you in medical school. I remember inviting you many times to church, and you jokingly said only if I went to the pub with you. You knew I would not go to the pub with you. Nevertheless I prayed a few times for you. Then we lost contact with each other in the final year. It was only until the beginning of this year when we started working together that we've become close again. Even then you still refused to come to church with me. This time you said coming to pub ain't enough, I had to get myself drunk in order to persuade you.

Even though you might not know it that time, but I've been praying for you. Many times I asked God to open your eyes and let you see that He loves you, to bring you out of darkness to light. You said you admired my positiveness and passion for life. I said you could have the same thing if you accepted it.

You started coming to church with me. Man! You were as anxious as a 5 year old kid going to school for the first day. We were sitting in the car for 10 mins before the service started....It turned out well didn't it? Then you came for a few more times, you started praying and felt Him yourself. Thank you for even praying for me.

It is very amazing to see what God has been doing all along. I believe God has begun His good work in you even way before last Sunday, even before we met each other. He works all things for the good of those who love Him, and called according to His purpose. I am awestruck to see the way He puts things altogether, the way He led you to Him. It was not by accident, but He had you in His mind way back.

I am excited to see what God will do in and through you. I am very privileged to be the one standing next to you at this stage. I am awestruck. Praise God forever and ever :)

simplicity

Today I went to the Show with a friend. We walked past every ride, every stall and every exhibition and then came to the last pavilion anticipating it to be as boring as the previous ones.

It was a flowers exhibition. They built a garden with hundreds of flowers in the middle of the hall. To be honest given that I have absolutely no interest in flowers, it's not surprising that I found the flowers boring . I took a very quick walk around the garden , couldn't wait to get out of the pavilion. At this time I heard a very beautiful music through the PA system. To my surprise as I walked towards the end of the hall , I realized the music wasn't played from a CD, but by a live band.

The band was awesome and they played beautiful music that seemed magical. We no longer wanted to get out but just to sit down and chill out in the midst of it.

As I was appreciating the beauty of the music, a question popped up in my mind (maybe from God, maybe myself). It was just a very simple question, but serious enough to put me in deep thoughts. 'When was the last time I listened to this type of music?'

Maybe 4-5 years ago?...I used to love instrumental/world music and collected many CDs, although they were very pricey. I realized ever since I became a Christian, my preference has slowly shifted to Christian songs. I have lost my interest in any other types of music.

Then another question popped up, ' When was the last time you drew/painted something?', maybe 3-4 years ago? I used carry my sketch book wherever I went , esp when I backpacked. I loved stopping whenever I wanted and just sketched a nice building or a beautiful landscape. I would also spend the whole day at drawing/painting because I was zealous about it.

'When was the last time you shot a beautiful photo?' ...maybe 4-5 years ago. I used to love photography. When I was even younger I wished I was a professional photographer for the National Geographic Magazines.

I loved the nature. Any lil vegetation/insect would attract my attention. I yelled with excitement when I saw rainbows, clouds, sunrise, sunset etc...

Then many many other similar questions popped up. I began to realize i have been so caught up with pursuing/achieving goals that I have lost myself into it. I have pushed myself too hard, wanting to do well in ministry, wanting to be a 'good' believer and role model, wanting to sacrifice myself in order to make everyone (including God) happy...

I have made myself a religious legalist, I set rules and regulations upon myself. Perhaps the things that I have been doing are right, but I am sure this is not how God wants me to live my life.

Today I was reminded that God did not give me Christianity, but He gave me LIFE. Life to the fullest, life in abundance. I wanna live a full life again, not just being caught up with achieving goals. Ministry is never a goal , Christianity is never a religion, relationship with God is never about legalism. Life is so beautiful and eternity is so vast and is beyond my imagination. I dun wanna live my life just chasing one thing after another.

I wanna reuse all the opportunities, all the whatever that God has given me. I wanna let God reactivate all my senses, to see, to hear,to smell, to taste and to feel EVERYTHING in life. I want every drop of my life be saturated with the fullness of God.

I dunno how to put all my thoughts in words. but I am enlightened:)

my suicidal patient

She was teary, depressed and suicidal. I went into the cubicle, grabbed a chair, sat down, and looked into her eyes as she began to tell me her story.

She is a very ordinary middle aged woman, was divorced a few years ago. Since then, she found no meaning in her life; her ex husband abused and divorced her, her children were grown-ups and blamed her for the divorce, she has lost her house and all forms of support. She told me her many experiences of walking on the road and wanting to dash out of the pedestrian path and be run over by the vehicles.

My heart was very heavy when I heard her story. As I told her about God, she said she was 'once' a Christian, used to believe in Jesus until the tragedy in her life. She asked God why me? If YOU are a loving God why did You allow this to happen to me? ...so she lost her faith in God and wandered away.

I did not wanna be like Job's friends who accused Job for his troubles. Neither did I wanna tell her to 'be strong , have faith in God'...because as I was going through my own tough times, I finally came to realize the hurting ppl do not need such advice. When they are blinded by the circumstances, they are blinded. Human beings have no power to be God and lest us try to remove the blindness with our own words. They need a pair of listening ears , a heart that loves and the prayers. In due time, God will make a way through our love, our gentle spirits and our prayers.

So I just listened and listened and listened to her. At the end, all I said was God loves you and prayed for her. Her tears flowed like a flood as I prayed. And you know what happened at the end? She said she felt God's love again, she had been wandering for years, forgetting about God. She believed God had heard her prayer and today she met with God again. She said, of all the doctors, why was it I who saw her? and I happened to be a Christian. She believed it was God. She wanna trust in God again.

At the end I gave her the number of the church.

We hugged each other and said good bye with joy. She did not even need a psychiatric review, because she had no further suicidal intent.

I strongly believe God has called me into this ministry. Where is the church? The church is not in a church building. We are the church.

but why would this happen?

Working in ED has been fun and fulfilling. For some unknown reason, and out of my own choice, I have been seeing paediatric patients in my last few shifts, these little creatures comprised 50-70% of my patient list. Perhaps it is a sign from God? Does He want me to be a paediatrician? Sigh I hope not.


Today there was this 8 month old baby who was super cute, came in after an injury to her head. What so special about this baby is her smile. As if she had been intoxicated with happy gas, nothing seemed to be able to stop her from laughing. She knew no pain in her head, neither did she care about her very dirty and stinky clothes and nappy. Obviously she has not been well looked after by her mom.


From the story told by her mom, I smelt a very small suspicion of child abuse/neglect in it. As I went through the old notes of her last admission to the hospital, I could not help but wept silently. ( not wept wept, but u know, I became teary).


There was a previous notification of child abuse made by a social worker who visited her home. The story goes roughly like this :


' There were cockroaches all over the place, many were dropping from the ceiling.. a few mice running around the house. Their puppy was not toilet trained, there was dog poo and urine on the bed, couch, dining area...There was nothing in the kitchen, only some dry noodles and cereals and unwashed dishes which were there since my last visit...the children (5 of them) were eating uncooked dry noodles and cereal with no milk...The children were wearing the same clothes since my last visit a few days ago...I saw a LIVE cockroach crawling out of the baby's vagina when her mom changed the nappy...the children did not talk, but were hitting/biting each other even myself, but the parents did not correct them.'


........... I was just stunned after reading that report. I know this is not the worst home situation in the world, but it shocked me that it happened in Australia. My heart was very burdened and broken, esp after I saw how gorgeous that baby gal was. My eyes were wet.


For one second I asked God why did this happen even though I know I am too small and unworthy to ask Him this question. Why have I had 50 pairs of shoes and plenty of clothes while this baby gal and her siblings had to wear the unwashed clothes for 1 week? I have had the opportunity to complete my medical degree, what about this child? Would she even go to school in 5 years?


As a professional doctor, I should not show any personal emotion for any patient. But as a Christian, I could not help but be moved in my heart for the unfortunate ones, and all the more I wanna preach the Gospel, all the more I wanna go out there, all the more I wanna see the world changed.


There are billions of ppl out there who are suffering both physical and spiritual poverty, if only all of us could be the ppl that God wants us to be, I believe we will see God's Kingdom on earth. I'm convicted about this.