surrender

I want so much to be a missionary to countries/tribes where gospel is not heard and medical care is inaccessible. I have always been wanting to specialise in O&G (obstetric and gynaecology), a specialised wing of medicine that takes care of women's health,pregnancies and deliveries. My burden is for women who are deprived of care due to restriction of freedom and low social status. As a female doctor, i thought it will be good to serve them this way.

However I guess that might not be God's will for me. He has given me many many signs and hints through different people.

To me, it is rather sad and disappointing to find out that real mission fields don't need a highly specialised O&G doctor. They need a GP, a general doctor who can treat all kinds of basic diseases. A population that has no access to primary health care will never need a specialist who can only treat a certain type of problems. O&G training is long and hard, it is not practical if I ultimately become a missionary.

It is truly a huge challenge to me. I have never ever thought of being a GP in my entire life. If you ask me, even until now, that would be the last thing I ever wanna do in the medical field.

Being a GP in mission field is excellent and sounds exciting, but I can't bear the training process which requires me to sit in a small room the whole day and have patients coming in and out. They will bring their spouse, or the entire family to see you, and tell you about the family story of 3 generations.

The training process is the shortest and easiest, and GPs make good income compared to most specialists. But I just hate it.

I dunno, I just hate being a GP.

I was crying very sadly when I found out I might end up being a GP. Then God asked me, 'Why do u wanna be an O&G specialist? Is that really for ME? or to satisfy your sense of achievement/social status etc? '

My friend Ming once told me about the life of a great korean theologian/minister who completed his PhD in some very difficult science subject 60 years ago in a very prestigous university (either Cambridge/Oxford/MIT).On his way back to Korea after completion of PhD, God told him to throw his certificate into the sea and forget about his entire life of studies. Bear in mind that he was a Korean back in those days who completed such a tough course in such a prestigous institute.
Nonetheless he obeyed. God used him mightily after that to bring countless of people to Christ.

To do God's will mean I have to deny my own desire. Would I be able to do that? I just have to surrender and trust in Him.