It's my 4th night in the hospital. Right now I am very sad because one of my patients has gone very sick and might not make it anymore. I think I am responsible for her deterioration. I think I made a mistake in the treatment decision for her. My colleagues and senior doctors said her decompensation was the result of all the medical and surgical problems that she's been having. What I did was not the culprit, even though it was one of the contributing factors for her condition.
But I don't believe it. I think I made the mistake.
She is a very frail lil old lady, very old. I remember 2 weeks ago when she first came in , I put a drip in her arm, and she was still fit and smiling. I put in one but that one did not work, I apologised to her and she said 'It's ok, you gotta learn and try again.' She was smiling all the way. I remember she has got a lil soft toy by her side when she slept. Before I left she said she did not wanna be alone. I told her she was not alone, and I would come back to see her. Then I cuddled her and held her hand. ....Then I left her room , and became so busy afterward that I forgot to say hi to her again.
Today when I saw her again I couldnt help but cried at her bedside. She was so sick and in coma that she did not respond to any stimuli, her mouth was wide open and after every now and then she would grasp for air. Her lil soft toy was still next to her, but this time she wasn't holding it in her arm. Her whole body was puffy because of the fluid that I gave her. I gave it to her too quickly , too much, her body could not take it and went into this end stage deterioration.
I cant get rid of the scenes, they just keep flashing through my mind. The scene that I cuddled her and she hugged me back tightly, and the scene that she said she did not wanna be alone and I said you are not alone, I will come back to see you...but I did not go back because I forgot to. The scene that she smiled and said I gotta learn and try again and waved byebye...The scene that she held her soft toy in her arms while she slept...
A lot of ppl have asked me in the past, if I ever had any patient who passed away and how I felt about that. I have seen patients died , but they were not my patients. Now I really feel it because it was my mistake that contributed to her deterioration.
My first lesson, my first painful experience and I will never forget this lesson...No wonder they said every doctor would certainly 'kill' a few patients indirectly , in one way or another during their training years.
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