So it has been a while. I dunno what image or what side of myself I should present to you all. Should I appear as a defeated loser? Should I appear tough and cheerful so that I will still bring joy and impact to the ppl around me?
I have been drawn so close to God these days. He has become very very dear to me, because I really do not know howelse I should walk thru this valley if not relying on Him alone. Like anyone on earth who has experienced any form of loss, I've found that I am in a place where no one else is able to help me, and I have no control over it at all. Once again I feel so helpless and frustrated, because there's nothing I can do to make my situation better. That's very humbling, it is the time the object of creation understands its identity in its Creator.
Yes I do look to Him at all times. I talk more to Him. I cry to Him all the time. I like the picture of Jesus the Good Shepherd holding a crippled lamb in His arm. I imagine myself as the lamb.
I pray hard everyday that I shall not lose my vision in the midst of my circumstance, I will not forget the very purpose of breaking up with Chris, i.e to serve God according to His perfect will. The pain of loss has not clouded my vision. I still preach, teach, exhort, minister to ppl...even though my own heart is bleeding. God has enabled me to put aside my own emotion when I serve Him and His ppl.
Worst still...today I've fallen sick, and tomorrow night my night shift starts again for 7 nights.I asked, why are these happening altogether? Standard answer would be, God is testing/training me. I dunno how I will go thru all this, only by God's strength. Only now I realise how much I have been dependant on Chris in times of physical sickness and exhaustion.
I dunno how far I should share my heart and pain. I guess by nature I dun usually appear weak publicly. I have always been perceived to be tough and I wanna continue to be tough, to be an encouragement to everyone. That's what I want. I break down only in my own room... I dunno if it is good or bad, but that's just me.
For those who have shown concern, thanks for loving me. Sometimes we do not know how to respond to such situation, i guess just by listening or a pat on the shoulder or a prayer should suffice.
God,God, God, plz heal me...so that I will soar high again.
2 comments:
dear sw... we are imperfect ppl... sometimes things happen and bring pain... you don have to look so strong all the times... it is perfectly normal to share your pain with yr some good friends... remember this: "i will rebuild you, my virgin Israel. you will again be happy and dance merrily with your tambourines" (jer 31:4).
liwen, thanks alot:)it is just my nature, since young i did not like not show my softer and weaker side...but i guess i am also learning :) love
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