i m better now (1) - God speaks

As the title suggested, I am better now.



God has been a true source of strength for me all this while.



In the past I have been telling everyone how important it is to saturate ourselves with God's word because God's Word is living. Now thru the break up with Chris I really feel it.


How shall I put it...it is like yes, previously God's Word has been important to me, but now in this trial I literally live by His Word, I am not trying to exaggerate it but I feel if God did not continuously speak (literally, speak) to me through the Bible, I would not make it.



I actually opened the Bible less than usual in the past 2 weeks. But my mind was so saturated with His Word that all the verses and passages kept flashing through my mind. It was as if I have eaten the whole Bible and the Bible is now living in my brain. The Bible has become invinsible physically and visible spiritually in my brain and my heart. The diligence of studying the Bible in the past pays off in time of difficulty.



And for the first time, I feel it is incredibly real that I am in the Word and the Word is in me, I am in God and God is in me. What the Bible teaches me becomes alive in my life. One moment I felt I was a sheep in the Good Shepherd's arms, another moment I was the psalmist who cried to God; then I became the Israelites in Exodus who were going into the promised land yet complaining; sometimes I became Lot's wife who kept looking back and was turned into stone....



There are a lot more to share but the most real experience in the past 1 week was that I have literally become Peter when he stepped out of the boat and walked on water towards Jesus. Hard to explain but it was more than an imagination. I believe God put me in Peter's situation to tell me something.



In that instance, the storm, the huge waves, the rain, the wind, the darkness and the coldness were so real as if i was really in it. I saw Jesus across the sea, I stepped out of the boat and walked to Him on water. He seemed far away. I was walking, but when I looked right and left, I found I was surrounded by tall waves , darkness and strong wind. I lost sight of Jesus and I began to sink. I was struggling and Jesus picked me up...It was pitch dark yet in my struggle in water all I could see was Jesus eyes, full of affirmation, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, love, encouragement....and all the words can not possibly sum up the 'thing' that Jesus showed in His eyes at that moment. He did not say anything but I heard no more of the surroundings, it was a silent moment of looking into His eyes.



This picture of me as Peter walking on water keeps emerging in my mind and it repeats by itself and it is so vivid. I could literally feel the 'wetness' of the water, the coldness of the storm, the terrifying sound of thunder, the pain of rain drops on my skin, the depth of the sea, and the screaming of me/Peter for help. It is so vivid. As if my spirit was in a muscular fisherman's body, yelling out with a musculine voice.



Everytime when I think about Chris and the past, when I am absorbed in my own sorrow, this picture of me being Peter comes to my mind. I literally hear myself/Peter saying, 'Jesus, I am coming, I am coming! Wait for me!' and I become joyful and courageous to face the storm.



God is so real. I am in Him, He is in me. And it is not a bad experience at all to play Peter's role.