my camera

I must share this....so I have decided to abandon my old film SLR (I have not used that for a 2-3 years) and switch to DSLR.


I bought a set of photography equipment online from the States, finally got it just 3 weeks ago:) so the story goes all the way back to 3 weeks ago, I was very excited and could not wait to start shooting with my new toy, even without a camera bag. I literally stuffed my new camera into my handbag.and....guess what, as I got too excited talking with my friends, I swung my handbag and it slipped off my hand, dropped on the ground from a great height! Mind you it was only the 3rd day of its arrival....The internal parts were damaged and the only way out is to fix it.

Some of my friends suggested to send it back to the States and claimed that it was a faulty item to start with. Of course I did not do this, instead of that I sent it to the local Canon for repair, knowing that it would probably cost me a fortune. The Canon guy told me the labour fee itself would cost me $350, and that does not include replacement of the parts which I believe can be very expensive.

To cut the long story short, just a few days ago I received a quotation letter from Canon telling me the damage was very minor, the total cost including replacement of the parts was only $94. Wow!!! When I read the letter my jaw dropped, the only question that came thru my mind was, ' How can it be so cheap?', if it was not a miracle from God then it must have been a typo.






That day I was the happiest person in the world. It was not just the money, but what mattered the most was that God again showed me right in my face His faithfulness. I could have been dishonest with the camera trader and said it was a faulty product and asked for a full refund; but I chose to honour God . And, as a result He honours me :)

Anyway, these photos are taken by me, edited by Joshua.

my favourite shot, edited into black and white by Joshua.

Henley Beach

Lil Joshua

Lil Joshua and his dad, both from Ethiopia

stay tuned

My life has been very happening lately, (as usual :)) , very busy.

but but but, will be right back :)

girls, you are beautiful

Out of the blue I feel like dedicating this post to my girlfriends. ALL my girlfriends in general. (Of course my dearest sister in Sydney is included, just in case she gets jealous :P...of course you are my best pal. )


Many many times I thank God for my girlfriends in my life. Many many of you have made a huge difference in my life. Many of you touched me and left a mark in my life unknowingly. My life has been enriched by God through you. And right now as I look upon my own life, I feel like crying and hugging each of you and saying truly genuinely from my heart, thank you thank you and thank you for being who you are , for being so beautiful in God's eyes, and in mine too.


I wasn't quite like this a few years back, esp before I believed in God. Being well known for my tomboyish personality, I could never get close with any girls. I disliked shopping (ehem ehem) and anything to do with cosmetics; I hated any girlish activities , for example sitting around the table sipping coffee and talking about the latest trends or spending the whole day learning to cook; I despised the idea of getting married, sacrificing your own dreams, raising up children and revolving your life around your husband. I could not stand it when girls wasted their time talking about their Prince Charming and their boyfriends, or even gossiping about other girls. Ultimately what I disliked was the whole make up of a girl's personality that's very sensitive and easily offended.


Haha I am talking as if I was not a girl ;P


Therefore I DID not have many close girl friends. Most of my close friends and even my best friend used to be guys. They were my buddies.


God is very funny and so sweet that when He birthed a new life in me, He has also given me a new heart to love girls. When I look back, I realise He first made me secure in my own identity and comfortable to be myself, then He opened doors for me to go into the lives of many girls and vice versa.


I am serious, I guess to a certain extent I did struggle with my identity. I always wished I was born to be a man because I thought I could do so much more if only I was one. It drove me nuts when someone thought I was less successful because of my gender. In primary school, I was only elected as a vice president of the prefect board just because the teachers intended to reserve the position of president for a boy, who later turned out to be someone lacked leadership. I always wanted to prove my strengths; outdoing a girl was not a concern to me, my whole aim was to prove that I could do a better job than my male counterparts.


Phew... I could never be a boy by natural gender, so I behaved like one and even wanted to be stronger than anyone of them. That's why I only wore pants, shove my hair, walked, talked and played sports like a boy. I rarely cried or whinged. Behaving like a girl would make me appear weak, I dint want that.


So God has changed me :) And not only that, He puts a very very special place in my heart for girls. Girls from all walks of life, girls in any stage of their journeys, girls of any age. I began to view girls from a different and better perspective, and through God's eye, I see the cute little princess in the every girl's heart. I want to open my arms for every girl who crosses my path, and tell each of them that they are absolutely beautiful and lovely.


I understand you, my girl friends. I m not old in my age, but I have been through a few things in my past esp before I met Christ. Insecurity, identity problem, lack of confidence/even too much confidence, depression, suicidal, rebellion, arrogance, fears, rejections, betrayal, relationships, break ups, flings and affairs, sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, drugs, alcohol, the struggles in uni and at work , loss of direction, loneliness, brokenness etc etc etc etc... and undoubtedly more new challenges will come but I am not fearful. If God has birthed a new life and hope, He will sustain me till the end.


Therefore I understand you my girlfriends. For everything that you are struggling now, I wanna embrace you and tell you God loves you, so do I.


One of the younger girls confided in me in regard to how she had been repeatedly falling into the same trap because of the wrong decisions she made. Somehow my heart was aching and burdened, I held her in my arms and wept and wept and wept. I saw myself in it, years ago, allowing myself to live a defeated life because of the wrong decisions that I made. I saw a very lonely and broken soul plunged into darkness, sobbing but no one heard her (undoubtedly God heard it). I plead with you, young girl, please don't hurt yourself by living a life according to your flesh. I understand you and wanna protect you.


...


Thank you for being there for me, my girlfriends. Thank you for being great and mighty women in my life. I feel rich, so rich, so rich. God bless your beautiful hearts.

tomorrow's menu

Ask me what I crave now, I'd scream out loud 'I want a bowl of fish ball noodles! and lotsa fried onion and coriander on top, preferably with a few drops of sesame oil. Oh yeah, not to forget the chopped chili padi.' That will satisfy my craving now, that will do:) And after that gimme a cendol with lotsa lotsa coconut milk and syrup. The meal will be completed with a BBQ pork pastry (Seremban Siu Pao), then an eggtart fresh from the oven....

Slurp slurpp..

Then the breakie for tomorrow will be wan ton noodles , a red bean bun and a cup of teh tarik.

Lunch will be chicken rice and bean sprouts in oyster sauce.

What about dinner? I'd be the happiest person if mom prepares the dinner. Steamed fish with mushroom and tofu; stir fried vege with lotsa garlic; fried eggs sprinkled with soy sauce; sweet and sour king prawns ; chef's special vegetarian dish ( only mom knows the recipe, passed down from grandma :) ) ...


To complete the day, of course I will have supper just before bed time. The best supper is when I have it with my family at the mamak near my house. Roti kosong with dal is a must-have; but usually one is not enough, I will need a plate of maggie goreng extra hot to satisfy my appetite....


Well.. there's no harm to fantasize about being home. I miss home truly madly deeply.

no topic

I am so tired! My mind has stopped functioning not just while I drove home, but it stopped way back when I discharged my last patient, handed over everything to the night crew, grabbed my bag and paced myself out of the hospital.


Driving home at 12am is not too bad at all, at least it is way better than driving home in the morning, after a night shift. I dozed off many times while I drove home after long night shifts, esp when the traffic was very slow in the mornings. As anyone can imagine, it is the busiest hour when everyone rushes toward the city for work. I, just like everyone else , rush toward the city, not for work, but off work for my bed. The fact that I have never hit the bum of the cars in front or the lamp posts or anything else is in itself a miracle. I praise God everytime when I see the sight of my house. Seriously, I am not joking!...One of my colleagues told me he banged the car in front because he was so drowsy after a night shift , ended up taking cab to work for a month. Another friend told me his car went off the road because he fell asleep whilst driving, that was after his night shift.


I am always in dilemma after each night shift. Should I load myself with coffee before driving or not? If I do, then I won't be able to sleep when I get home. If I don't, then I might not reach home alive...hehe...


So last week as usual I was driving home after a big mug of coffee (that was 2 table spoonful of instant coffee powder). The energy surge after caffeine only lasted for abt 15 minutes. Awww...I knew I gotta stop I gotta stop before anything happened, or I would have to pay thousands of dollars for any damage of other cars. So I pulled over , found an open car park, picked the most secluded spot and fell in a stupor almost instantaneously.


I guess I must have been in there for nearly 2 hours. The weather out there changed from sunny to light drizzling, then heavy rain pour, then it became windy, then sunny, then cloudy, then rainy again, then back to sunny etc...and guess what, throughout the 2 hrs I was still in this constant stupor.


I reckon doctors should have pay rise...what I am making now is less than my other friends in other fields, who spent much fewer years in the uni, paid much less uni fees, work much shorter hours and always have public hols and weekends off, who don't have to be exposed to medical hazzards such as infections and needle stick injuries etcetc... Who said doctor is a prestigous job? The reality is, I have to stick my finger into ppls anus to examine their rectums, sometimes to dig out their poo too if they are severely constipated...Hello, talk about prestige...and we don't sit in the office, it is a forever bye to long nails, tight skirts and high heels, unless I want my legs broken.


But all in all, Im absolutely in love with what I am doing :) I am exhausted physically but in here (my heart), I am rich. I know this is for me. To anyone who is interested to study medicine, think twice, don't enter the field for a wrong reason.

psalm 23...

photography

I've become very excited now whenever I think about shooting. I should briefly share about my passion for photography. It all started 7-8 years ago while I was still a young school kid (ehem at least I was much younger than now). That was before I studied medicine, I thought I would end up being a photographer for the National Geographic Magazines. I was crazy about it, I would go to those photography exhibitions and lingered till someone had to drag me out of it.My first boyfriend who loved me very much then bought me a very expensive SLR, I was the happiest person. That was my first toy.


Back then all cameras were film cameras. I remember carrying my film SLR wherever I went, to the class, the sports day, the weddings, the ceremonies, the funerals, the outdoor adventures, the trips etc...I shot like crazy, and hehe mom paid like crazy too :) the best part was, I only liked black and white films, those films were a few times more expensive than the normal colour films.


Then I kinda stopped shooting since I came to Australia. I dunno why...maybe because I have had other commitments. In that whole time of staying here, I nearly stopped doing everything that I liked. I stopped shooting, stopped painting/sketching, stopped long distance cycling, stopped going for wild adventures.


I did not realize how much I've missed photography until my friend showed me his toys a few weeks ago. Holding his DSLR and telescope lens in my hands, I felt the very raw passion for photography was once again roused.


I wanna do it once again, I wanna do it well, and this time not for myself, but I wanna do it to bless other people.
I wanna shoot ppl and cheer them up, I wanna shoot every single thing around us to remind ourselves that God cares about small things, I wanna shoot the nature to make ppl go like 'WOAaa the Creator of the universe is amazing!'


My another friend Chi Too is a photographer back home. He was one of the very first ppl who inspired me to shoot better photographs, yesterday I went to him like a 3 year old and told him I've found back my passion for photography,I was like 'Did you feel my excitement? Could you see it?!!' , he was like ' yea I can see it oozing out of your orifices.'...awwww


These are some of his recent shots in Papua New Guinea...enjoy :)

...

To my new brother in Christ

I m not sure when you will read this. But you know that this is for you :)

First of all, congratulation! You have made the best decision in ur life. Please dun mind me (or us) keep telling you that you have made the best decision, not that we know your life inside out that we have the ability or rights to say anything about your decisions in life. But it is a truth.

Did you know I was so anxious at the end of the message, when the preacher told us to close our eyes and slip up our hands if anyone among us choose to respond to God's calling? I was praying and praying in my heart, God God! Please give him the courage and faith to take that one step. Please touch him and let him see You!

I felt something in my heart, very strongly, it felt exactly the same when I sat with my unbelieving friend in church 4 months ago as she responded to God. The same feeling told me this time something significant was going to happen.

So I was very tempted to peek what you would do. Would you lift up your hand? My heart was pounding, almost coming out of my mouth.

When I finally opened my eyes, I saw the the same old you. Nothing dramatic. You didn't say anything. There was a slight disappointment sinking in my heart. I thought, well, maybe next time. I shouldn't push things....

It was only when the counselor came to you that I knew you DID actually lifted up your hand! Did you see the joy and excitement written all over my face? Did you even see the tears in my eyes? I was overjoyed, my whole heart was praising God for His mercy and grace, for His transforming power, for His sovereignty. I couldn't help but praise God again and again for what He has done for you.

I recall those days when I first met you in medical school. I remember inviting you many times to church, and you jokingly said only if I went to the pub with you. You knew I would not go to the pub with you. Nevertheless I prayed a few times for you. Then we lost contact with each other in the final year. It was only until the beginning of this year when we started working together that we've become close again. Even then you still refused to come to church with me. This time you said coming to pub ain't enough, I had to get myself drunk in order to persuade you.

Even though you might not know it that time, but I've been praying for you. Many times I asked God to open your eyes and let you see that He loves you, to bring you out of darkness to light. You said you admired my positiveness and passion for life. I said you could have the same thing if you accepted it.

You started coming to church with me. Man! You were as anxious as a 5 year old kid going to school for the first day. We were sitting in the car for 10 mins before the service started....It turned out well didn't it? Then you came for a few more times, you started praying and felt Him yourself. Thank you for even praying for me.

It is very amazing to see what God has been doing all along. I believe God has begun His good work in you even way before last Sunday, even before we met each other. He works all things for the good of those who love Him, and called according to His purpose. I am awestruck to see the way He puts things altogether, the way He led you to Him. It was not by accident, but He had you in His mind way back.

I am excited to see what God will do in and through you. I am very privileged to be the one standing next to you at this stage. I am awestruck. Praise God forever and ever :)

simplicity

Today I went to the Show with a friend. We walked past every ride, every stall and every exhibition and then came to the last pavilion anticipating it to be as boring as the previous ones.

It was a flowers exhibition. They built a garden with hundreds of flowers in the middle of the hall. To be honest given that I have absolutely no interest in flowers, it's not surprising that I found the flowers boring . I took a very quick walk around the garden , couldn't wait to get out of the pavilion. At this time I heard a very beautiful music through the PA system. To my surprise as I walked towards the end of the hall , I realized the music wasn't played from a CD, but by a live band.

The band was awesome and they played beautiful music that seemed magical. We no longer wanted to get out but just to sit down and chill out in the midst of it.

As I was appreciating the beauty of the music, a question popped up in my mind (maybe from God, maybe myself). It was just a very simple question, but serious enough to put me in deep thoughts. 'When was the last time I listened to this type of music?'

Maybe 4-5 years ago?...I used to love instrumental/world music and collected many CDs, although they were very pricey. I realized ever since I became a Christian, my preference has slowly shifted to Christian songs. I have lost my interest in any other types of music.

Then another question popped up, ' When was the last time you drew/painted something?', maybe 3-4 years ago? I used carry my sketch book wherever I went , esp when I backpacked. I loved stopping whenever I wanted and just sketched a nice building or a beautiful landscape. I would also spend the whole day at drawing/painting because I was zealous about it.

'When was the last time you shot a beautiful photo?' ...maybe 4-5 years ago. I used to love photography. When I was even younger I wished I was a professional photographer for the National Geographic Magazines.

I loved the nature. Any lil vegetation/insect would attract my attention. I yelled with excitement when I saw rainbows, clouds, sunrise, sunset etc...

Then many many other similar questions popped up. I began to realize i have been so caught up with pursuing/achieving goals that I have lost myself into it. I have pushed myself too hard, wanting to do well in ministry, wanting to be a 'good' believer and role model, wanting to sacrifice myself in order to make everyone (including God) happy...

I have made myself a religious legalist, I set rules and regulations upon myself. Perhaps the things that I have been doing are right, but I am sure this is not how God wants me to live my life.

Today I was reminded that God did not give me Christianity, but He gave me LIFE. Life to the fullest, life in abundance. I wanna live a full life again, not just being caught up with achieving goals. Ministry is never a goal , Christianity is never a religion, relationship with God is never about legalism. Life is so beautiful and eternity is so vast and is beyond my imagination. I dun wanna live my life just chasing one thing after another.

I wanna reuse all the opportunities, all the whatever that God has given me. I wanna let God reactivate all my senses, to see, to hear,to smell, to taste and to feel EVERYTHING in life. I want every drop of my life be saturated with the fullness of God.

I dunno how to put all my thoughts in words. but I am enlightened:)

my suicidal patient

She was teary, depressed and suicidal. I went into the cubicle, grabbed a chair, sat down, and looked into her eyes as she began to tell me her story.

She is a very ordinary middle aged woman, was divorced a few years ago. Since then, she found no meaning in her life; her ex husband abused and divorced her, her children were grown-ups and blamed her for the divorce, she has lost her house and all forms of support. She told me her many experiences of walking on the road and wanting to dash out of the pedestrian path and be run over by the vehicles.

My heart was very heavy when I heard her story. As I told her about God, she said she was 'once' a Christian, used to believe in Jesus until the tragedy in her life. She asked God why me? If YOU are a loving God why did You allow this to happen to me? ...so she lost her faith in God and wandered away.

I did not wanna be like Job's friends who accused Job for his troubles. Neither did I wanna tell her to 'be strong , have faith in God'...because as I was going through my own tough times, I finally came to realize the hurting ppl do not need such advice. When they are blinded by the circumstances, they are blinded. Human beings have no power to be God and lest us try to remove the blindness with our own words. They need a pair of listening ears , a heart that loves and the prayers. In due time, God will make a way through our love, our gentle spirits and our prayers.

So I just listened and listened and listened to her. At the end, all I said was God loves you and prayed for her. Her tears flowed like a flood as I prayed. And you know what happened at the end? She said she felt God's love again, she had been wandering for years, forgetting about God. She believed God had heard her prayer and today she met with God again. She said, of all the doctors, why was it I who saw her? and I happened to be a Christian. She believed it was God. She wanna trust in God again.

At the end I gave her the number of the church.

We hugged each other and said good bye with joy. She did not even need a psychiatric review, because she had no further suicidal intent.

I strongly believe God has called me into this ministry. Where is the church? The church is not in a church building. We are the church.

but why would this happen?

Working in ED has been fun and fulfilling. For some unknown reason, and out of my own choice, I have been seeing paediatric patients in my last few shifts, these little creatures comprised 50-70% of my patient list. Perhaps it is a sign from God? Does He want me to be a paediatrician? Sigh I hope not.


Today there was this 8 month old baby who was super cute, came in after an injury to her head. What so special about this baby is her smile. As if she had been intoxicated with happy gas, nothing seemed to be able to stop her from laughing. She knew no pain in her head, neither did she care about her very dirty and stinky clothes and nappy. Obviously she has not been well looked after by her mom.


From the story told by her mom, I smelt a very small suspicion of child abuse/neglect in it. As I went through the old notes of her last admission to the hospital, I could not help but wept silently. ( not wept wept, but u know, I became teary).


There was a previous notification of child abuse made by a social worker who visited her home. The story goes roughly like this :


' There were cockroaches all over the place, many were dropping from the ceiling.. a few mice running around the house. Their puppy was not toilet trained, there was dog poo and urine on the bed, couch, dining area...There was nothing in the kitchen, only some dry noodles and cereals and unwashed dishes which were there since my last visit...the children (5 of them) were eating uncooked dry noodles and cereal with no milk...The children were wearing the same clothes since my last visit a few days ago...I saw a LIVE cockroach crawling out of the baby's vagina when her mom changed the nappy...the children did not talk, but were hitting/biting each other even myself, but the parents did not correct them.'


........... I was just stunned after reading that report. I know this is not the worst home situation in the world, but it shocked me that it happened in Australia. My heart was very burdened and broken, esp after I saw how gorgeous that baby gal was. My eyes were wet.


For one second I asked God why did this happen even though I know I am too small and unworthy to ask Him this question. Why have I had 50 pairs of shoes and plenty of clothes while this baby gal and her siblings had to wear the unwashed clothes for 1 week? I have had the opportunity to complete my medical degree, what about this child? Would she even go to school in 5 years?


As a professional doctor, I should not show any personal emotion for any patient. But as a Christian, I could not help but be moved in my heart for the unfortunate ones, and all the more I wanna preach the Gospel, all the more I wanna go out there, all the more I wanna see the world changed.


There are billions of ppl out there who are suffering both physical and spiritual poverty, if only all of us could be the ppl that God wants us to be, I believe we will see God's Kingdom on earth. I'm convicted about this.

my portion

My journey with God has been very interesting. I have come to the point where I can truly say, Father, You alone are enough, You alone are my all in all, my portion, my everything. I said the same thing in the past, when I preached and taught the bible, I told everyone that God must be our all in all. But this time it is different.


And God had to take me this far and break me this much in order to show me my hidden agenda. Yes I did love God, but I also loved the provision. I cared more about the gifts rather then the Giver Himself. I loved the blessings, the anointing, the fellowship,the ministry,the fame, the calling, the vision etc. I was a Pharisee, a hypocrite. I loved God, but I loved the whole package of blessings more.


God began to remove them one by one, and each time when He did that, He asked, 'Siew Wai, do you love ME?' it was very difficult and i did not understand why and what He was doing. 'God,why did You ask? Did I not love You?'...at the end, when I was stripped bare and left with nothing, then I realised, I loved God , but I did not love ALL of God. Maybe His hands, maybe His feet, not all.


It was very humbling and difficult in the beginning. When Jesus asked Peter 'Do you love ME' for 3 times, Peter was hurt. But it took the Lord to do this again and again in order to reveal to Peter what true love is. I feel as if I was Peter that God had to try and test me again and again in order to show me, it is easy to say 'Yes I love God' when you have all the provisions, not when you have nothing.


In the beginning of this year when He asked me to let go of things that I held so dearly, He told me 'Siew Wai, I alone will be sufficient for you, I will be your portion and your all in all. ' I did not understand at all.


Now I do understand. Now that He has taken everything from me; I am so broken and poor in spirit and in heart, I have finally had the conviction that 'Yes Father, You are my portion, my all in all.'


Things that were important to me no longer are important to me now. Relationship? Comfort? Ministry? Vision and calling? Anointing?? Yes these are the blessings and are essential, they will surely come because God is delighted in blessing us. But these are no longer my focus. They are not important to me now anymore.


What matters to me now is, God, are You in me and I in You? I want ALL of You. Like marriage, like husband and wife in one, I want and am content to be only having You. I thank You if You give me the blessings and provisions, but even if there is none, I still want You. My whole world has shrunken to only You and I.


Thank You for breaking me and allowing pain and suffering in my life. Without it, I would never come to find my real identity in You. I am poor and broken , yet I am rich and complete. I still cry a lot these days, but now it is with tears of real joy .

I was in the hospital - as a patient

This is gonna sound very funny but it did happen to me. What else? My life has always been filled with stories like this, no wonder my friends call me a clown =)


7pm Thursday, I met up with a very sweet young lady for dinner. I was having a very yummy chicken salad and all of a sudden , I had this very severe abdominal pain, it felt as if a pair of invisible hands were holding both ends of my bowels and squeezing them real hard...I went home, tried to have some rest but the pain just wouldn't go away.


I was in agony and couldn't help but cry and pray the whole night. 10 hours passed, the pain was still there, and became more severe. And I threw up twice.


Well, this is very embarrassing but I have to confess that in the course of this pain I did something very stupid. Initially when the pain was a generalized cramping pain, I thought it was my period cramp so based on my personal experience and limited medical knowledge, I took some NSAIDs and thought it should calm the pain. It did not occur to me that I should NOT have taken the NSAIDs until the pain became a localised epigastric pain, when it is localised epigastric pain, it is very likely to be a gastric problem. I was like 'Oh God, how can I be so dumb?!!! shame on you SW shame on you!'....NSAIDs are contraindicated in gastric, it is utterly unacceptable that a medically trained person would do such thing on herself. I was really quite amused by myself.


Initially I rejected the idea of going to the hospital because I know what the doctors would do to me because that is what I would do to any patients who come in with epigastric pain. I knew they would most probably give me some pain killer and send me home. But at 6 am, the pain was so great that I had to call my colleague.


He rushed to my place (he confessed later that he actually had to wear his dirty clothes because that was what he could grab from the floor in his haste to come over). And guess what? As we were going to the hospital, I realized my medical cover had just expired a few days ago.


So we had to go to the public hospital in town, the very famous hospital where I used to work as a medical student. While waiting for the doctor, we were formulating the standard questions he/she might ask, the possible procedures they might perform and the medicines that they might give. And we have agreed that if they wanted to put up a drip, I would probably let my friend put in the needle because he is very skilled.


As I was lying in one of the cubicles, I heard a very familiar voice. I remember that doc , he gave me a tough time when I did my placement there as medical student. I was sliding down the bed and hiding my face underneath the blanket and whispered to my friend, 'I dun wanna be seen by him.'


My very cheeky friend thought I should have gone to our hospital because i would probably get seen sooner, and one of our good friends was on duty, he can examine me. Nawwww no way! I'd not go back to my own hospital and let anyone whom i know lay one finger on my tummy.


Finally at 8 am, a doctor came. To help saving his time, I went straight to presenting my own history to him. It felt very odd, I present cases to my colleagues/bosses everyday, just that now I was presenting myself. It went like 'I presented with 12 hours of acute onset severe abdo pain 9/10 , started generalised and later localised in epigastrium, colicky in nature. Associated with 2 episodes of vomiting. No diarrhea .........' (I skipped the part where I took NSAIDs out of my stupidity hehe :P)


As soon as he heard my 'case presentation' he knew I was medically trained, and in addition to that , it gave him a good laugh when we introduced ourselves as interns working in the EMERGENCY DEPT of another hospital. What an irony, he smiled and said.


So, the nurse came to give me some injection in my bum. I jab many patients everyday, I assure you that it certainly did not feel good to be at the receiving end.


Just like what I predicted, they gave me some pain killer and a medical certificate, and sent me home.


What a wonderful experience to be a patient in the Emergency dept while I myself am currently working at the emergency dept of another hospital. My friend just could not stop laughing at me while he drove me home and he promised he would circulate the story amongst our colleagues and give everyone a good laugh =) If he ever does that, I will thank him by telling everyone he looked like a porn star in the clothes that he wore in a haste, the V neck jumper without anything underneath :P

KL

I was randomly browsing the class blog, suddenly feel like putting up some old pictures.

These are some of the pictures we took in KL in July...These folks are my childhood friends, we have known each other since highschool in1994..........phew ( man, that's 13 years ago...i began to have cold sweat when i think about how MATURE i am now)

I am not sure if any of these mates come to my blog. but i wanna tell them i really miss them.

finally finally finally

And finally….


I am back!


Just a lil bit of update since my last post, it has been 5-6 weeks since I got back from Malaysia and many things have been going on since then, and seriously I have no idea about where to start :)
(I realise I said the same thing all the time)


Well, my life has been packed with tests and trials from God in the last few months, yet it can be summarised into a few sentences, i.e.:


1. God tested/tried/disciplined me again and again, sometimes to the point I felt I had no more strength to go on (literally felt like giving up my life, but don’t worry, it was just a very transient thought :P),


2. yet God has been faithful to sustain me.


3. By taking away ALL my sources of strength, comfort and security, He taught me to find strength directly from Him.


4. He removed ALL the distracting factors and streamlined my focus on the things that He has called me to.


5. He has begun His work of breaking me down in order to rebuild a better me.


….hmm hehe I wish the real process could be as short and simple as the few sentences above, even though it is not. I asked God, ‘How long more??!! Very painful You know?’ ; God said, ‘ Until you have finally become like Christ.’


Trust me, it is very ( very very x100) painful when God breaks us, and I believe all my brothers and sisters in Christ have had/will have similar experience with God, maybe through different circumstances. Yet I believe God does not do nothing without a wise objective behind. I believe at the end of the day, God will accomplish what He wants to, and I will become more like Christ!


It is a very good deal; God is like doing me a very big favour. Think about that, for every big examination, we pay the school/college/organisation a big amount of exam fees in order to sit the exam and get the certificate. But in the case of God, He initiates the tests, He sets up the scenes and equipments, He writes the exam questions, He sits with us throughout the whole examination and even holds our hands to write the answers. All we have to do is just to personally sit the exam, no fees required. And as if that’s not enough to describe His goodness, He makes sure we pass the exam with flying colours.


The more I think about this real good deal, the more I feel I can go through the tests.


Now I am able to laugh :)))))), not because the circumstances have changed, but my eyes are open to see the unseen. Yay, I am more than a conqueror, maybe the next minute I won’t FEEL like it but what the heck, the FACT is God has made me more than a conqueror. The enemy is the loser, big time loser.

holiday!!

:) finally i m on holiday now. yay, i m finally back in KL, my home sweet home. I have been dreaming about this moment.One month ago since I made the sudden decision to take all my annual leave to come home, my heart started pounding every time I thought of home. For nearly a month I had insomnia because whenever I lay in bed and closed my eyes , I visualised my family, the food, the shopping, the ppl in KL..


Ok, the last time when I was back here was just 6 months ago. But this time it feels very different, a 2week-break back home comes very timely after 6 months of heavy labour.
And this time I feel different , for the first time I feel that I am an independent grown up in front of my parents because I am making my own income now. It feels very right and good to show my parents I am able to look after them as well as myself.


So everyone is good here including Brownie. Surprisingly this time she didnt bark at me. In the past few years whenever I came back to Malaysia, she usually barked at me the moment I stepped into the house, and it usually took her a good 5 mins to recognise me. We've concluded that she might have dementia. I am very glad to see her this time, for fear I might not see her next year because she is already 10 years old...


Mom and dad are really good and as cool as usual. Dad's blood pressure and mom's blood sugar have worried me a bit, otherwise they seem to be happier and younger than before.It took me a while to convince him to comply with his blood pressure lowering medicine. Mom has been behaving herself that she has cut back on sugar . I am relieved to see that they have been living a very healthy life that is balanced between work, rest, healthy diet and abundant social events.


My bro and his gf are still the same, hopefully getting married next year. My brother adores his two younger sisters like no one else :) At home he plays like an 18 year old kid with us ; at work he leads the company like an authoritative boss. This man was the kid who fought with me and gave me a nose bleed after a punch in my nose. Now he is the young boss who has expanded my dad's business, very soon he will take over the business . I m proud of him :)


My sister...my sister :) To this day it is still difficult to believe this baby is already 20. I have been spending all my time with her since arrival. I can't control it but keep telling her how cute and beautiful she is, to the point where she gets bored of my compliments.


I am so blessed with a family like this. I believe my Lord has heard my prayer and cry day and night, I strongly believe my family will be saved eventually. This is a blessed family, united by love , yet it will be even better if all of us bow down and worship the Lord. Many times I close my eyes and in my imagination I see mom and dad pray for us, then tears roll down my cheeks and intense pain eats my heart away. When , when will my family come to the Lord? I will not give up , and pray until the day they are saved.


Well, in my next post I will try putting up some pictures. Brb :)

Where is the safest place in this world?

Since very very young I have always had a feeling of insecurity. When I was 2 (I could remember thing as far as the age of 2 :> ) I knew I was alone when my parents brought my older brother overseas and left me with my aunt. I still vividly remember the feeling of helplessness and loneliness when I woke up from an afternoon nap and found out my parents had left home for holiday, I was just 2 years old.

Then as I slowly grew up, I grew up with a strong feeling that I did not belong to this world. I was constantly surrounded by ppl / materials/ events, yet deep down I felt detached from any human being or anything or any place in this world. For this reason I used to traveled/ backpacked a lot and journaled on trains/buses/planes.. I remember I wrote something like this on the train: I feel like I am a premature chick who can barely fly/walk because my wings and legs are not developed, I am ditched in an ocean and drowned because I can't swim, I don't belong to the ocean...

And tadaaa! Guess what, I found God. And I learned that it is real that I don't belong to this world, that's why I had that strong feeling of being detached from this world.

So a long time ago I asked God the same old question that I used to think about. God, is there a place that is safe and secure in this world?

God answered, no, there is no place safe enough to make you feel secure. The only place that is safe and secure is the place where you have the most intimate communion with ME.

Since then I became convicted that no matter where I go, up to the heavens, the far side of the sea, the end of the earth... and even if I am alone, I shall feel safe and secure because I know there is no safe place in the world, the only safe place is the place where I have closest communion with God.

Just a spontaneous posting :)

As I was driving...

God basically speaks to us and teaches us all the time, if we open our ears we will hear it clearly.

Just last Tuesday I had a meeting with a couple who live somewhere down south. The hospital that I work in is far north, therefore going to their house means I gotta travel from north to south.

So I drove for almost one hour to get there after my work. I remember it was a cold rainy night. I was extremely tired and hungry that night, and having been in a very tough and challenging season in my personal life did not help at all. Worst still, being unfamiliar with the southern suburbs and going on the wrong roads,I was completely lost in my way . I gotta pull over many times to search in the directory. Not to mention I was definitely late for the meeting.

Finally I went on the right highway which was pitch dark and curvy. I began to break down in tears and told God I could not take it anymore. My life, my season, my struggles, my circumstances, my weariness have worn me out. And man,I was physically exhausted and hungry, out there it was dark, cold and raining, I had no idea where I was going, not even sure if that was the right highway. Tears were rolling down my cheeks.

At that point God taught me a very precious and practical lesson.

I remember on that highway, even though there were no lamp posts at the road side nor was there any other vehicles at all , there were numerous small metal plates nailed to the road between lanes. These metal plates reflected the light of my car and made the small stretch of road that was 5 metres ahead of me brightly lit, and I could barely see anything further than 5 meters because the rest of the road remained buried in darkness. For every 5 meters that I traveled, the next 5 meters of the road became visible to me and so on. I tried looking further but I became terrified because all I could see was mere darkness, and worst still my car nearly went off the lane when I tried looking at the side/too far ahead because the road was very curvy.

God told me yes this is the way I work in your life. I AM the lamp to your feet and the light to your path. I give you light and that light is sufficient for you to move your next step in your journey. It is step by step and after each step you will see the light ahead of you that brings you to the next step. Trust in ME and the light that's given to you, just like how the reflection on metal plates is sufficient for you to move 5 metres ahead. Try to look too far ahead and you will only see darkness and be terrified. Walk by MY light and you will reach there safely.

Awesome! Finally I really did arrive safely at my friend's place and was welcomed with the warmest love and kindness. I no longer remembered the sorrow that hit me while I was on my way. And I remember going there feeling like a defeated loser and coming back on the SAME highway singing praises to God like a overcoming victor.

It is just like our journey with God. Although life is full of dangers and darkness, yet God gives us light and brings us safely there, step by step. At the end of the journey, God stands like the host of the house and greets us with the warmest love just like what my friends did to me at the doorstep. At that instance, we will no longer remember the pain of the journey.

The road has been dark? Does not matter anymore. God's light is sufficient to help me move on. The road was curvy? Yes, bring it on , it is as exciting and fun as roller coaster.
The future is buried in darkness? Who cares and why care to search intensely something that we cant see? Travel well for the next 5 meters or our 'cars' will go off the lane and crash.
Give up and go backward? Uhuh then we will NEVER reach there.

We will all get there. The Lord stands there waiting for us. Amen.

Have I been well?

No and yes.

Basically in the past few weeks/months I have been stretched by God to the point of breaking (well, it was not like God gave me some tests that He knew I would be failed). So it was not God's problem at all. God has every right to stretch /test every individual and when He does that He actually has enabled that person to overcome it beforehand.

So to cut the veryvery long story short, I did break down in front of God and I did that quite a number of times. God has been gracious to me. I will not share here what I have been going thru, because that is not important at all. My circumstances and challenges are not the centre of my point.

My point is, God is still good. And His goodness is beyond any description. But once you have tasted it, you will never forget. I have tasted it many many times. That is something that keeps me going.

So, my answer to my own question is, No I was not well then. But yes , now I am all good. And ready to strike again. hehe :) stay tuned

this girl

She has been my best fren for 3 years. True enough, we meet different ppl in different stages of life. My best friend in kindergarten was no longer my best friend in primary school; and my best buddy in primary school has become a stranger now...and well, I met wonderful ppl and they came in my life and left when it was time to move on. Therefore I have had many 'best friends' even though they may not be one now. And all of them are irreplaceable.

As for ivy, she is too special. Even as I am typing now I can't hold my tears. I can't imagine how things will be after she leaves. I started to number all the days left since the beginning. I can't bear to think about not having her in my life anymore.

Now I know it sounds as though she was my BOYFRIEND. Not true.

Not even one man would be able to comprehend that love between 2 sisters in Christ.

God is very serious in His business of training me. He never lets me rest and I know that's because He knows I can go thru this by His grace.

One wave comes after another and one is taller than another. All the while Chris and Ivy have been my two most important support in my walk with God, like two strings pulling me on each side so that I stand vertically . I guess after breaking up with Chris, and now 'breaking up' with Ivy, God wants me to be all by myself and Him alone. I feel that I am in serious training now. I know I am living a life like a 'pseudo'-missionary at this stage. What's next? I am not afraid cuz nothing else would scare me anymore. Not even death I guess..

I have nothing left for me. Just You, God. Just You....

I had holy communion with my patient =)

This actually happened a while ago. There was one Sunday when I couldnt attend church service because I was in the hospital. I was called to see a patient who was very very sick. I went in, did my usual jobs, told the nurses what I wanted for this patient, blah blah blah and was prepared to leave the room.

Just was I was going to leave I heard the patient's daughter saying, 'Dad, later when the doctor and nurses have left, we will have holy communion.'

My heart leaped with joy and excitement as I overheard this. I smiled and delibrately slowed down my pace, until all the nurses have left the room. Then I asked the daughter (she is a chaplain) if I could join them for holy communion. Of course she was very surprised but gladly invited me.

I remember she said to the patient 'Dad, we are very privileged to have your doctor joining us for the communion.'
Then we laid hands on the patient and prayed and broke the bread and ate.

I did not actually feel it was their privilege to have a doctor joining them in communion. Deep down in my heart I felt so grateful for this opportunity and I thought it was my privilege to break bread with them. How many believers have the chance to have holy communion beside the hospital bed? How many of us will get to see the peace of God in terminally ill patients?

Infact, that was my greatest privilege because the next day that patient passed away. He was a very pleasant old man, all the staff said they had never seen anyone so at peace. He was 91 years old when he died. He had probably been through so many ceremonies of holy communion in his life, but at the end of his life on earth, he had his last holy communion with a stranger like me. I think it was my privilege to share the Lord's supper with him just before he died.

When I certified his death, I recalled what his daughter told him, 'Dad, you will be alright very soon, you will see the Lord and mom in heaven, and soon you will see me.'
I jumped in and jokingly said ,' and later you will also see me there.'

For some reason I look fwd to meeting him in heaven. In the world we were strangers, but in the Lord we shared His supper. Whatever we bind on earth will be bound in heaven, as per the Scripture. Amen :)

this stage of my life

Why have I disappeared from the web? Not just the web. In the past few weeks I have not had much time to join any church events or other social functions.

Why? Because I am so busy at work. I feel that God is really stretching me, training me and preparing me to be a missionary doctor. I basically work 7 days in a row, then have 1 day off, then 7 days again and so on. Everyday the hospital looks like a battle field , I have so many patients on my list that I literally have no break in between. Working 10-12 hours straight WITHOUT lunch or even a sip of water is NORMAL to me. No joking. I have lost 2 kilos so far in 2 weeks.

My workload is 2 times heavier than my peers . I dunno why. In our hospital, each medical team will have 1 intern. Some teams are not very busy, some teams are. My team is very well known to have many patients. No one knows why beside my boss. Usually each intern will have to take care of only 10-18 patients. I usually have to take care of 26-35. I DUNNO WHY. I will call it a good list if the number drops to 25.

And it is a whole new different thing to be a doctor than a medical student. Pressure comes from every possible source. Your bosses expect you to do the jobs NOW, the nurses push you to get things done NOW, the patients want it NOW, the patients' families or GPs want to speak to you NOW, the staff from other departments want the jobs done NOW so that they can leave at 4pm...they all demand something from you NOW NOW NOW NOW...and while you are already trying your best to satisfy everyone, your stupid pager keeps beeping and you spend half of your time answering calls from all these ppl.

That's why I say God has a special purpose for me. I feel that the time is near. He is preparing me to be a missionary.

The real challenge comes now. 10-13 hours fly just like that everyday without me realising it. I feel that every single second this world is sucking my energy away. When I drive home, my brains freeze. Everyday it is a constant battle for me to stay awake in my prayer and studying the Bible. Now I understand what it means in Mark 12:30 : "Love your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind and all your strength."

It does need strength. And the challenge is, when you have no more strength left in you, you still strive to love Him. That is when you rely not on your own strength but His. Sometimes I feel so lonely, I feel so isolated. I have not had intimate fellowship with other believers for a while. Sometimes I feel I am forgotten. All I am left is God Himself. But I believe even this is also His special plan, so that I rely on Him alone, and I will turn out to be a tough person.

The good side of my story is, I know there is an inborn fighting spirit in me. I feel like a warrior and I will fight for my God. I pray everyday that I might glorify my God in my career. I could have been slack and leave my jobs undone so that I can go home early. But I choose not to. I choose to smile to and be at peace with everyone even when they are annoying. I choose to pray for my patients and encourage them even when I m busy. The result is, I enjoy my work, I love the nurses, my patients tell me I am different from other doctors, the nurses love me, I get along so well with my colleagues and they are amazed I can handle that amount of work yet be cheerful all the time.

Not my ability, but All the glory and praise be to my God. Amen.

my birthday : 31st March

I can't believe I have not posted anything for nearly a month. I will explain later why I have disappeared from the virtual world for a month :)

So as I repost, I wanna begin with my birthday. 31st March...I reckon all March babies are special, so special that their birthdays fall on March, and especially those born on 31st of March. I believe all the 31/3 babies share some unique features that only we understand. One thing I can be sure is, we are all very private ppl. And we are special hehe :P

So it was my birthday. Unlike all my birthdays in the past, this birthday was the most quiet one. For a few reasons, there was no big celebration, no big surprises. It was a Saturday and I was actually working overtime on my own birthday. I stayed in the hospital until 10pm that day. The very next day Sunday I worked the whole day as well...so, there was no big celebration.

But God has always been good to me. I had 5-6 cakes..

1) My flatmates' parents organised a small dinner party for me a few days before my actual birthday. That warmed my heart and made me cried a bit...

2)my colleagues brought me a cake at work, we hid in the office after the overtime, switched off our pagers, and stuffed ourselves with cakes...

3)my dearest frens intended to 'surprise' me by bringing a cake and singing a birthday song for me at my doorstep. That was my 3rd cake.

4)Esther made me and Jasmine 2 cakes and had M&M on it. It was very cute :) We had a small candle blowing ceremony in a corner of OCF.

5)And I received lotsa presents and messages from lotsa ppl...The most important present was from my MOMMY. MOMMY (and of course my whole family) sent a big parcel from Malaysia, with many gifts from each of them in the box. The most profound one was a necklace with a titanium cross , and a short msg from Mommy. She wrote ,'I specially ordered a titanium cross for you, so that you will wear it daily and that GOD will protect you all the time.'

Yahooooo it was from my unbelieving mom! She finally acknowleged God :)That's my best present.

----

So I just turned 26. But this number still seems very unfamiliar to me. I m so used to telling everyone I am 25. Someone asked me last week how old I am. The '25' just slipped out of my mouth almost as quick as a reflex. Haha another year withered, I am approaching my late 20's from now on.

I thank God that He knew me, thought of me, chose me, and called me even before He formed me :)

I am better now (2)- for Chris again

I am very proud to say that the friendship that is built on Christ will last. It is not like any friendship in the world that will be moved by circumstances. It is the Kingdom friendship and will be carried forward eternally.



Chris, thank you for your encouragement and support in the past 3 weeks. Now both of us believe that only God can successfully turn couple into good friends of each other. And I am very proud of you.


I am better now, you played a big part in my recovery. Now it is my turn to stand strong and support you. I told God I want to continue to be your prayer warrior and encouragement.



I am filled with peace and affirmation from God, hence I know God is very pleased with our obedience and submission to His will. Although we are sad for a short while, yet our momentary problems are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. God will honour those who put Him first. And we have done that (entirely by His grace, with His wisdom and strength), God will bless us abundantly in His own way :)

i m better now (1) - God speaks

As the title suggested, I am better now.



God has been a true source of strength for me all this while.



In the past I have been telling everyone how important it is to saturate ourselves with God's word because God's Word is living. Now thru the break up with Chris I really feel it.


How shall I put it...it is like yes, previously God's Word has been important to me, but now in this trial I literally live by His Word, I am not trying to exaggerate it but I feel if God did not continuously speak (literally, speak) to me through the Bible, I would not make it.



I actually opened the Bible less than usual in the past 2 weeks. But my mind was so saturated with His Word that all the verses and passages kept flashing through my mind. It was as if I have eaten the whole Bible and the Bible is now living in my brain. The Bible has become invinsible physically and visible spiritually in my brain and my heart. The diligence of studying the Bible in the past pays off in time of difficulty.



And for the first time, I feel it is incredibly real that I am in the Word and the Word is in me, I am in God and God is in me. What the Bible teaches me becomes alive in my life. One moment I felt I was a sheep in the Good Shepherd's arms, another moment I was the psalmist who cried to God; then I became the Israelites in Exodus who were going into the promised land yet complaining; sometimes I became Lot's wife who kept looking back and was turned into stone....



There are a lot more to share but the most real experience in the past 1 week was that I have literally become Peter when he stepped out of the boat and walked on water towards Jesus. Hard to explain but it was more than an imagination. I believe God put me in Peter's situation to tell me something.



In that instance, the storm, the huge waves, the rain, the wind, the darkness and the coldness were so real as if i was really in it. I saw Jesus across the sea, I stepped out of the boat and walked to Him on water. He seemed far away. I was walking, but when I looked right and left, I found I was surrounded by tall waves , darkness and strong wind. I lost sight of Jesus and I began to sink. I was struggling and Jesus picked me up...It was pitch dark yet in my struggle in water all I could see was Jesus eyes, full of affirmation, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, love, encouragement....and all the words can not possibly sum up the 'thing' that Jesus showed in His eyes at that moment. He did not say anything but I heard no more of the surroundings, it was a silent moment of looking into His eyes.



This picture of me as Peter walking on water keeps emerging in my mind and it repeats by itself and it is so vivid. I could literally feel the 'wetness' of the water, the coldness of the storm, the terrifying sound of thunder, the pain of rain drops on my skin, the depth of the sea, and the screaming of me/Peter for help. It is so vivid. As if my spirit was in a muscular fisherman's body, yelling out with a musculine voice.



Everytime when I think about Chris and the past, when I am absorbed in my own sorrow, this picture of me being Peter comes to my mind. I literally hear myself/Peter saying, 'Jesus, I am coming, I am coming! Wait for me!' and I become joyful and courageous to face the storm.



God is so real. I am in Him, He is in me. And it is not a bad experience at all to play Peter's role.

no title

So it has been a while. I dunno what image or what side of myself I should present to you all. Should I appear as a defeated loser? Should I appear tough and cheerful so that I will still bring joy and impact to the ppl around me?


I have been drawn so close to God these days. He has become very very dear to me, because I really do not know howelse I should walk thru this valley if not relying on Him alone. Like anyone on earth who has experienced any form of loss, I've found that I am in a place where no one else is able to help me, and I have no control over it at all. Once again I feel so helpless and frustrated, because there's nothing I can do to make my situation better. That's very humbling, it is the time the object of creation understands its identity in its Creator.


Yes I do look to Him at all times. I talk more to Him. I cry to Him all the time. I like the picture of Jesus the Good Shepherd holding a crippled lamb in His arm. I imagine myself as the lamb.


I pray hard everyday that I shall not lose my vision in the midst of my circumstance, I will not forget the very purpose of breaking up with Chris, i.e to serve God according to His perfect will. The pain of loss has not clouded my vision. I still preach, teach, exhort, minister to ppl...even though my own heart is bleeding. God has enabled me to put aside my own emotion when I serve Him and His ppl.


Worst still...today I've fallen sick, and tomorrow night my night shift starts again for 7 nights.I asked, why are these happening altogether? Standard answer would be, God is testing/training me. I dunno how I will go thru all this, only by God's strength. Only now I realise how much I have been dependant on Chris in times of physical sickness and exhaustion.


I dunno how far I should share my heart and pain. I guess by nature I dun usually appear weak publicly. I have always been perceived to be tough and I wanna continue to be tough, to be an encouragement to everyone. That's what I want. I break down only in my own room... I dunno if it is good or bad, but that's just me.


For those who have shown concern, thanks for loving me. Sometimes we do not know how to respond to such situation, i guess just by listening or a pat on the shoulder or a prayer should suffice.


God,God, God, plz heal me...so that I will soar high again.

for Chris

Thank you dear for the 3 years that we spent. It was the best and most beautiful 3 years I ever had. I thank God for placing you in my life, even just for 3 years, my life has been enriched in every area.


I have no regrets, some may say 'what a waste of 3 years.', to me, it is never a waste. It was a great fun with you. I am so privileged to see your change and growth, i am so privileged to participate in your life even just for 3 years, and ran alongside you. I am so honoured by your transparency and honesty with me. You were not ashamed to admit your weaknesses/struggle to me. That's the beauty of this relationship. I know who you are and what you want, and vice versa. So it is never a waste. You were alwys there for me, to share with me in all the moments of discouragement, pain, sorrow and joy. Thank you dear. The relationship is so beautiful, you were and will indeed still be my best friend.


If there's ever any regret, that would be I have not been kind enuf to you. Forgive me of my wrongdoings against you and I am glad that you are very forgiving.


Dear, you are very special. What attracted me to you? It's the softness and sensitivity of your heart. That's a special gift from God that's not possessed by many guys. Your childlike faith for God amazes me. Your humility has struck an arrogant person like me, God indeed has used u to teach me humility as well as sensitivity to ppl.


Loyalty and determination is your virtue. Remeber we always said you are an observer and an analyser while I am a blind folded ox. You always see the big picture, weigh all options and opt for the best and safest; whereas I see only from one angle and dash into the dead end and get hurt. I have so much to learn from you.


Dear, always remember you are a great man of God with a destiny awaiting you. All that you've been thru in the past was specially planned by God to make you to be who you are now. I've seen very few ppl of humility and you are one of them.


We are so differnt in almost EVERY way,the things we like/eat/read/want and the way we think etc. That huge variety of difference has added beautiful colour to my life,and I learned that I m not the only species on earth,I learned to accept and embrace differences.Thanks to God,thanks to u.



Of course we fought. There were times when we sat in the opposing corners of the room in tears asking God and each other if there's any way out? I guess thru many arguments we discovered more of each other. Surprisingly after 3 years of fighting, as I look back now, we only grew more in love with each other. I begin to believe, any couple(Christian couples esp) should honour God and God will make them at peace. Now I do believe ppl of different worlds can love each other, and that flows from the love of Christ.



3 most beautiful years passed. To end it is indeed the most painful thing in our lives. But I agree with u, this is part of our journey. God used me to teach u, and He used you to enrich my life. Purpose accomplished. I m VERY proud of you that you chose to obey God's will. I admire and respect you for your courage and determination to call for a break, in order that God will accomplish what He wanna accomplish in each of our lives. They say true love is about letting go of each other for the best. I would not have the courage and big heart to let go of you, if it wasn't you who did that. You did that because you wanted to release me to fulfill the calling of God in my life. You are a true man of God, a real leader.



Im not sure what the future is like but I have a strong feeling, as we break up, we suffer for a short while but we will see more glorious wonders in future. I believe we'll continue to grow in love, not carnal love but the true love that is built in the love of JESUS, that love lasts forever.



No matter which mission field I will be in, which jungle/tribe I will go, I'm sure you'll support me, and VICE VERSA for your ministry. Im so proud of you. Im so thankful of you. How gracious God is, He lets us break up at the peak of our love, through intense suffering each of us is drawn near to HIM. Now that you've seen the big picture, your journey in God is gonna be exciting.



Rmember you are my BEST FREN, your problem and joy are mine. The mode of our relationship's changed, but the foundation has not, it'll flourish in God's hand, bigger than our imagination. I love you deeply my dear. I don't care what ppl think now. I want you to knw, you are the most special man I've met. Man of God, man of integrity, man of love, man of faith, man of character, man of wisdom, man of humility.



God bless you, my love.

help me Lord

My heart is torn to thousands of pieces. A very important decision has been made unto my life and I accepted it, because I know it is God's will, it can only be handled this way. There is no other way. God has told me clearly recently.


God's will or my own desire? I hope I have chosen God's. His will is not mine, His thought is higher than mine. I hope I have gone the right path.


Oh God...heal me. plzzz...I can't go on without YOU. My heart is voided. I have given up something for Your sake, out of my obedience to You .Fill the void with Your grace and faith please otherwise I won't make it. I am too weak now.


Plz pray for me, those who love me. I will stop blogging for a while.

happy Chinese New Year

This is my 4th year in Australia, out of this 4 years I have had 3 CNYs 'celebrated' here, including this one. Today is the CNY eve, and my celebration is very simple yet special. It is just like another day, I woke up in the summer heat in the afternoon, prepared myself to go to work. I actually wanted to just cook some instant noodle for dinner. And I talked to myself,' CNY without family is ok, it is just another day...'



Too bad CNY is not a pubilc holiday in Australia. I still have to work, still doing night shifts. I can't go home because I have to work, neither can I join any party/dinner with friends because of this night shift...As I woke up all my housemates were gone, just me alone...I began to imagine:



Far far away in Malaysia, my family is probably gathering around the dinner table now and having a big feast and good time together.


I m sure they miss me terribly and are talking about me.


I am certain that mom would say 'How good it is if B (my pet name hehe) is with us now.'
Then my brother would definitely laugh, 'Maybe she is having curry now.' ( Long time ago an Indian man wanted to court me and he often made me Indian curry, my siblings still joke about that until now...)
And Brownie (the dog) is probably occupying her seat under the dinner table (yes, my dog joins us for every dinner :) ) , wagging her tail , drooling crazily and staring at the food with excitement. Then she will most likely turn to my sister and look at her with innocence in her eyes, so that she will be offered some food.



Mom has probably made a 10-course dinner tonight. If I were home for CNY she would make sure 9 out of 10 courses to be my favourite dish...

----


And here I am alone in Australia. Chris has gone back as well. Everyone is in some sort of party/dinner .



So I woke up, as I was going to prepare a simple dinner for myself before work, a friend called me up to join her family for dinner, a quick one just before I had to go. I couldnt believe that she called, because she is those kind of hi-bye friend whom I would hardly remember if I don't see her.



So I went to her house. All her siblings were there, plus their bfs. Her mom came all the way from Malaysia to visit the children. So that was a big dinner with a big family and I was the ONLY outsider.



That is such a beautiful family with beautiful hearts.They do not know me but accepted me like part of them. I did not feel left out at all throughout the whole dinner and that made me miss my family even more. I think if I had a chance I would rush to the toilet and weep.



While I was driving to work I just kept weeping and weeping with a mixed feeling of joy and homesickness...



God is good. He knew I was lonely so He blessed me with a wonderful dinner with a foreign family. Thank You Lord, You brought me into Your own family, and You continue to give me families that love me.



.......Happy Chinese New Year to all Chinese. And may God bless you all.

guess what i was holding in my hands? eeww

Yesterday was the 2nd night of my 3rd week at work. I saw the most shocking self inflicted injury, I have never seen that and I bet I will never see that anymore...and the whole hospital was talking about it. Hold your breath here...


A man was sent to the emergency department with extensive bleeding. What happened to him? He heard some voices in his mind commanding him to CHOP OFF HIS TESTES, or 'they' would kill his family. Out of his love for the family, he took a knife and cut open his scrotums (the bag of skin that covers the testes), pulled out both of his testes, and chop them off from his body........


He was very tough, he did not even complain of any pain at all, even though the blood was gushing out like crazy, and his blood pressure dropped instantenously because of the big blood loss.


The whole emergency department was turned upside down because of this guy. We were all busy rescusitating him.


Guess what I was doing? I had to hold his 2 testes in my hands and rinse them with normal saline, because we attempted to preserve that, just in case there might be a chance of reconnecting them to the body. The testes were white coloured, soft, slimy and rolling like 2 hard boiled eggs in my hands. Hmm...I felt as if I was a clown juggling 2 balls in my hands,what an experience. I almost puked.


Then he was sent to the theatre for emergency operation. I went with him, holding the bucket of ice with his testes in it. We did not put the testes back because they were dead after such a long time. We stopped his bleeding and sewed up the scrotum, with no substance in it anymore.


Sigh, I felt really sad for this man. He has some mental illness, and I wonder how his children would take it, because they were the ones who found him, sent him and his testes in, and stayed till the operation was finished. :(