my portion

My journey with God has been very interesting. I have come to the point where I can truly say, Father, You alone are enough, You alone are my all in all, my portion, my everything. I said the same thing in the past, when I preached and taught the bible, I told everyone that God must be our all in all. But this time it is different.


And God had to take me this far and break me this much in order to show me my hidden agenda. Yes I did love God, but I also loved the provision. I cared more about the gifts rather then the Giver Himself. I loved the blessings, the anointing, the fellowship,the ministry,the fame, the calling, the vision etc. I was a Pharisee, a hypocrite. I loved God, but I loved the whole package of blessings more.


God began to remove them one by one, and each time when He did that, He asked, 'Siew Wai, do you love ME?' it was very difficult and i did not understand why and what He was doing. 'God,why did You ask? Did I not love You?'...at the end, when I was stripped bare and left with nothing, then I realised, I loved God , but I did not love ALL of God. Maybe His hands, maybe His feet, not all.


It was very humbling and difficult in the beginning. When Jesus asked Peter 'Do you love ME' for 3 times, Peter was hurt. But it took the Lord to do this again and again in order to reveal to Peter what true love is. I feel as if I was Peter that God had to try and test me again and again in order to show me, it is easy to say 'Yes I love God' when you have all the provisions, not when you have nothing.


In the beginning of this year when He asked me to let go of things that I held so dearly, He told me 'Siew Wai, I alone will be sufficient for you, I will be your portion and your all in all. ' I did not understand at all.


Now I do understand. Now that He has taken everything from me; I am so broken and poor in spirit and in heart, I have finally had the conviction that 'Yes Father, You are my portion, my all in all.'


Things that were important to me no longer are important to me now. Relationship? Comfort? Ministry? Vision and calling? Anointing?? Yes these are the blessings and are essential, they will surely come because God is delighted in blessing us. But these are no longer my focus. They are not important to me now anymore.


What matters to me now is, God, are You in me and I in You? I want ALL of You. Like marriage, like husband and wife in one, I want and am content to be only having You. I thank You if You give me the blessings and provisions, but even if there is none, I still want You. My whole world has shrunken to only You and I.


Thank You for breaking me and allowing pain and suffering in my life. Without it, I would never come to find my real identity in You. I am poor and broken , yet I am rich and complete. I still cry a lot these days, but now it is with tears of real joy .