Withdrawal

I am going to tell a story about one of my patients, Stan.(This is not the real name)


Stan was a middle aged man who unfortunately suffered from a condition named myotonic dystrophy. It was very unfortunate because myotonic dystrophy is a genetic disorder, the end result is the person's muscles become weak as the disease progresses, till he/she becomes too weak to breathe. In addition, the other organs are also affected by this genetic disorder, eventually they will fail too as the disease progresses.


Stan was on life support for more than 2 weeks now. The prognosis was dismal and after much discussion with various specialists and Stan's father, we decided to withdraw his life support and treatment on last Saturday.


In fact it was Stan's father who made the request . This does not happen all the time in ICU. Most commonly families do not understand that modern medical technology is not the answer to everything, and that the mortal body is not invincible.


Stan's father is a 70-80 year-old-man who has a head full of gray hair. He had been the carer of Stan for the last 50 years. Stan was wheel chair bound, so his old father nursed and cared for him faithfully day in day out, carried him in and out of the wheelchair.


So the decision of withdrawal of life support was made, but would not happen immediately because Stan's sister was still on her way from interstate to say bye to him for one last time.


Stan's father was there since that morning. He talked very loudly, with his normal cheerful tone. He held Stan's hand and told him about the fruit trees in the backyard. He smiled at everyone and said thanks to all of us. Everything seemed very ordinary.


It saddened me very much. Was he pretending to be strong on the outside? Or was he relieved? It must have been a very difficult decision to make. He had been faithfully caring for his son for the last 50 years, I am sure somehow or rather it was no longer a time consuming chore, it must have become a main part of his daily life where he found his purpose. I don't know, just a speculation. I might be wrong.


That afternoon was a quiet one and I finished my work early. For the whole day I felt very burdened for Stan and before I went home I went into his room. He was going to die in a few hours and I must tell him about God at any given chance!


He was lightly sedated so I was not sure if he would hear what I had to say. I gently held his hand, and told him that God loved him, and God wanted to be with him. I also told him that Jesus died for him on the cross so that his sins (just like mine) would be forgiven if he believed in Him.


His eyes were closed. I wasn't sure if he heard me. But the voice in me asked me to carry on. I was sure God was there and then.


'Stan, if you want to accept Jesus to be your Saviour, and be with Him, squeeze my hand,' I said.


I felt a gentle squeeze.


Was that him? Really?


I wasn't sure, so I asked again, 'Stan, squeeze my hand again if you believe in Jesus and want to be with Him. '


Another gentle squeeze.


My eyes got teary. I wasn't too sure if he really meant it, but I had done what I could.


I continued to hold his hand, and prayed with him. After all was said and done, I put down his hand, turned around and made my way out. The nurse just happened to come in, and said, ' Hey he waved goodbye to you!'


I turned my head again, yea Stan was waving good bye to me, weakly with his swollen hand.


I waved back and said cheerfully, ' Goodbye, Stan!'


I walked out of the hospital. For a very long time I let myself immerse in a mixture of sorrow and joy, knowing that treatment would be withdrawn, and Stan would die at 9pm. I thought of his loving father , after the past 50 years, this was the first night he would live without Stan.


That goodbye that I said to Stan was a real GOODBYE, for good.


I touched my heart. Oh well, to a certain extent I was glad that after 2 years of working in ICU, my heart had not turned hard and cold. Maybe God put me here for this.


I had many questions that I wanted to ask God about Stan. Did I do it correctly? Did he really accept Jesus as his Saviour? Was he going to heaven or hell?


You know what God answered me? He said, ' This is not your burden. It's Mine.'


Goodbye, Stan.

OMG 3 more dayssss

and I am so not prepared in many ways. Things start getting very intense now as we are still running around getting things done.


And....I have not had my veil completed.... Shhhhhh...Yea I bought a single tiered veil , and I bought it inspite of it having only a tier because it is so beautiful. So I thought...Hmmm...I would fix it, just buy some tulle/lace and add it on, make it a two tier veil (the front tier is called the blusher veil where you have in front of your face as you walk down the aisle, I learnt all this just a few months ago) ...


So I thought I would fix it, just like how I attempted to make my own wedding gown in the beginning! Of course, after days of toiling I realised it wasn't easy at all to make a wedding gown, therefore paying big bucks for one that's professionally done is definitely worth the while.


Hehe.


And Kevin's mom and sis have just arrived this afternoon...Hmmmm they are so nice to me, and being with the in-laws is actually much easier than I thought...


She's so lovely and kind to volunteer herself to sew that veil for me! Awwwwww....I am very blessed.


And tomorrow when mom arrives in Adelaide, I am sure she won't mind putting on some buttons for my wedding gown :P


I am so excited.


Yes 3 more days.

Counting down 24-19=5

5 more days to go!


I have finally finished my 3 day EMST course! It is indeed a huge relief. I can now finally concentrate on my last minute wedding prep/damage control etc...however you call it; and to concentrate on being a bride-to-be.


It is finally hitting me really hard that I am gonna get married! Yea yea everyone says nothing will change, but the fact is, everything will!


And I am especially mindful of the fact that there's only 5 more days left...and then I will be someone's wife, someone's daughter-in-law, someone's sister-in-law...


Sweaty palms...

Counting down...9 more days (for God)

9 more days!


I can't believe how fast time has passed. 18 months have passed since we first met. It was at church , what a great place to meet the Mr Right! LOL just joking...


And then the connect group. And then several weeks of backwards and forwards. Then it was the lil apartment on Westminster Street; that was his birthday. Then it was the Chocolate Bean. Then again it was a several months of life amongst the many yeses and noes. Then the Great Ocean Road. The lighthouse. Melbourne. Back to the little townhouse in Chinatown, Adelaide.


He said he was drawn to me because of my smallness, my helplessness ; and the sadness that only he could pick up through my eyes and the photos that I took; and how carefully I hid it underneath my skin.


Maybe my close friends knew it, that's why 4 of them cried I told them about him. ( My dearest lil sister was one of them for sure).


And I seem to look very happy and relaxed since then, according to everyone.


I am not ashamed to admit that I am a happy person ever since Kevin came into my life. Don't get me wrong, I was never desperate for a boyfriend/husband since the beginning. I did have a few relationships in the past, but I was never a person who believed I would ever settle for a marriage. I had some sort of commitment phobia ( That's why I refuse to sign up a contract with any mobile phone company for this reason. I like prepaid. ) ....... I definitely did NOT believe that a boyfriend, a wedding and a husband is the solution to my loneliness.


I asked God to take him away so I would have no distraction in my life journey. I liked the plans that I drew up for myself. To be a specialist, to commit in long term overseas missions and go to the ends of the earth for God, and to be my mom and dad's girl forever.


But at the end, God asked me, 'Have I really called you to these? '


:)


Kevin came unexpectedly into my life. but he came at the right time. the perfect timing that only God can control. I tried pushing this back to God, 'Nah I will not take this. I will stick to my own plans for my life, God, after all I made all these plans for Your name's sake...'


But God said, 'Take it, for he is my blessing for you.' ..... so God put this back into my hands.


I was driving home yesterday after a long day of work. As I came to the traffic light near home, I was reminded of the differences in my life between now and then. I am glad that I am coming home to someone, to a home with lights on and dinner being prepared. ( Well we take turns to cook)


This is good.


God knows what I need. Not what I want.He cares for us, and He knows the deepest secrets and desires of our hearts, even when we think they are trivial. And God gives His blessings lavishly to whoever He wants to, more than what my hands can receive. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Counting down...24-13=11....

I have to confess that I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last few weeks. Busy with work, then fell sick , then went back to Malaysia for my brother's wedding, then came back here, fell sick again, then it was work again... and on top of these is the mounting stress of getting wedding stuff done ,as well as of the preparation for a very important course that I am going to attend next week. ( Oh yes, I am attending a very important course that lasts for 3 days....I regret so much for putting my name down for the course that runs just a week before my wedding....)


And underneath these many layers of physical and emotional stress, there is this layer of emotion called pre-wedding anxiety. I think deep down inside I don't want to change my lifestyle. The thought of 12 more days left to my singlehood freaks me out sometimes.


Last week I had a nervous breakdown where I broke down in tears in front of Kev. He held my arms and came really close , I only recall his very big eyes when I think of this. He said 'baby, wedding preparation is never fun, who said wedding prep is fun? It is the joy and the celebration of that day that makes ppl forget the pain. '


...


In the midst of this emotional chaos, God has shown His face to me. He told me , everything is going to be alright.


I never argue with God because He knows better.


So I have decided to just surrender everything to Him. I have many millions of things on my task list, but today when I came back from my night duty I was like forget about it. Don't worry about the hundreds of thousnds of menial jobs awaiting me mocking me.


I spent my whole afternoon talking to God, searching my soul, writing down my thoughts and just be siew wai. I am not gonna let the enemy steal my joy.


I am beginning to enjoy this last 12 days of my singlehood.

COUNTING DOWN....24-12=12 ( For my mom)

It is by convention that every modern day bride-to-be has a little story to tell as they count the days they have before THE DAY.


And since I am only gonna marry once in my lifetime, I thought this would be a cool thing to do. Maybe years down the road when I reread this series of count down entries I will have a silly grin on my face.


Phew...to be honest, I am pretty anxious now. The break outs on my face is the greatest evidence of my unexplained anxiety. My heart is constantly beating fast probably as a result of prewedding anxiety/excitement , and of course, caffeine and the adrenaline rush that I have at work.


These days I miss my mom even more.


God creates man and woman to be husband and wife, and when they are married they leave their respective parents and become one. This is a beautiful plan that God has for those who are called into a marriage.


I have a very complex mixture of feelings in me. I look forward to being married of course. But deep down inside the heavy feeling of not wanting to be separated from my mom and dad is getting to me. I miss my mommy.


Mom knows that I am highly stressed at this moment. She sent me a text message that goes like this, ' Try to relax, do one thing at a time. think of the beautiful days ahead. Imagine you putting on your wedding dress , walking into the church and all your guests standing up. And you will be the happiest woman on earth. All you have to do is to have sufficient rest.'


My mom is not a person who writes. She usually writes ' happy birthday, mama loves you and misses you very much,' on each of my birthday card. And when she sends an sms, she usually duplicates them so that my sister and myself will get the same version of texts.


This is one of the few times mom writes something at length to me.


I love you my dearest mommy. You are my hero. You are my role model. You are my best friend.

My boss, the THORN in my flesh - Introduction

I really really have to write this down.



I have been having a tough time at work for many months now. Why? Because I have a boss who is insensitive and harsh to me. I prayed and fasted about this, I tried all means to be nice and friendly to him, I tried to convince myself that he generally treats everyone the same....I even tried to bless him in my prayer....



But nothing has changed. And it has come to a point that I am convinced he just does not like me. It has been 14 months since I started working there, and I have spent my entire 14 months analyzing this issue. The conclusion is, no matter what I do, he just doesn't like me. It is just me, no one else gets that kind of treatment from him.



I can't stand him, can't stand his attitude....He bragged about his intelligence, and once jokingly said that HE IS GOD AND ALL MUST LISTEN TO HIM!!!!



He has no freaking idea what he has done to me. He will just keep picking on everything that I do and I have ended up doubting myself and my own capability as a doctor. I dread going to work when I know he is on duty. I do not enjoy my work at all when he is around.....



BUT BUT BUT......this is not the end of my story...and certainly is not the focus of my sharing.



What I want to say is, all in all, God has His wonderful plan in this circumstance.



This boss of mine is not there by chance or merely by the scheme of Satan. I am convinced that God put him there for a very very important reason. (in fact, I believe it is not just for one reason....God's plan is so mighty that it encompasses everything)



This boss is there to be a thorn in my flesh!!!!!



Ouch! A THORNNNNNNNNN!!!!! Just like a wart on the sole of my foot that hurts in every step I take. Has anyone had a wart on the foot before? I had a big one and it made me crippled for months and I had to have it removed surgically.



And this boss of mine is a huge thorn and it irritates me soooooo much .



But I wonder what kind of person I would turn out to be if I had not such a big thorn in my flesh?
Surely a proud and egoistic swine. ( I like the terminology, 'swine' is a hot term nowadays)



What has God taught me through this humongous thorn in my flesh?


A lot.



I shall share in my next post. In fact, it has been an interesting journey and I think I will write a series of posts about this ;)



Yes I like the title of this post. The thorn in my flesh. Oh boy now that Thorny image of my boss will forever get stuck in my mind ... :D

a lazy Friday- I enjoy this very much

My off-week is even sweeter after a week of hard work.


I love the freedom of sleeping in. Then I took my own sweet time to make myself a cup of coffee. I turned on my laptop, randomly chose a worship song and played it. I talked to God, and I read His Word.


Then I went swimming...came home. Made myself a heavy brunch.


I made myself a cup of coffee again. I turned on the music, read the BBC. I am tired of wars and terrorism and humanitarian crisis. I closed the news page.


The weather is awesome out there.


No more studying today, no more painting, no more photography. I think I will enjoy the afternoon with a good book in my hand.

i should write more

I was in between G-chatting with Kevin, surfing net, looking at my eBay account, and trying to study physiology. Right in front of me is a 5 cm thick medical textbook, and it is mocking me, and laughing at me:(


By the way I am on night shift.


In my boredom I opened my Facebook page and began to browse through my friends' pages; friends whom I have not talked to for years. Facebook is great. It lets you sneak in to your friends world without being noticed, you merely close the window and get out of that world without leaving a mark.


But isn't that artificial? I have a big list of friends on my facebook , but how much do I really know about each of them...Facebook gives me a false sense of connection with my 'friends' , reassures me that yes, yes, they are still around, and they are aware that I am still alive too...


Okie...what's my point here? I'd better get back to work. Can't leave all the Mr and Mrs Smithsss for too long.

Shall I count down????

Every girl ( well, ok, not every but most girls) wants to have a dreamy fairy tale style wedding when they get married. I am not sure if I was one of them ( I am using past tense. )

The fact about me is that I am not the type of girls who will sit down for the whole day and fantasize about that BIG day. (Infact, before this I did not even think I would marry anyone.....) Which kind of dress, which kind of flowers, which kind of bridesmaid dress, which shoes, which jewels , which hair style, which make up, which musics, which theme, which colour for the carpet ( thank God there's only one colour for the carpet)...

I am really not fussed. I just want my family and close friends to be there and celebrate this day with me. I just want to walk down the aisle to my husband. I don't need a perfect ceremony, I don't want to be anxious and stressed about THE day. I don't think 10 20 years later I will remember what shoes I wear on my wedding day, I certainly will not remember what songs the musicians play. But one thing I will remember, I will remember that I have had a fun and crazy wedding, and that I am married to him, and all my loved ones are there with me.

But having said that, it doesnt mean I have no anticipation for my wedding at all. I am very excited about it. Again, as I said, it is more so for the 'marriage' (or the holy union, if anyone wants to call it this way) and the celebration with my family, rather than the rituals and formality.

So, 3 more months to go, and I have not had everything on the list ticked. But so what?

happy birthday baby

You are my heartsong. You are it.

Happy birthday to you, and in the many more years to come, I will celebrate each birthday with you , till death do us apart.

cold isnt it

Autumn....

Photo taken by siew wai on a very cold autumn day....

the high and low of the world that I work in

It has been 18 months since I started my ICU training. Is this what I really want to do? Yes and I enjoy doing this . Very much.


Having said this, like what my best friend said, this is a very unnatural environment to work in. The burden and stress can be exceedingly huge, because we often have to deal with life-and-death situations, well, almost on a daily basis. And not everyone gets better. Some make it , some don't.


There is always the presence of family and friends by the sick bed. Some come alone, some in a group. Some stay for the whole day, some just a short while.


But most of them who come are those who care deeply for the sick ones.


They usually sit by the patient's bed; sometimes they hold the patient's hands, sometimes they don't .


But all of them do one thing in common. They often stare at the patient's face for a long long long long time. (By the way, most of these patients in ICU are deeply sedated and on life support, i.e. they are in induced coma)


I always wonder, when they stare at their loved ones, what's on their mind? In their mindscape, what do they see? Or what are they trying to see or recall?


Are they having flashback moments of their sick old mother or father? In their mindscape are they reliving the moments when their mother or father held their little hands and walked them to school? The moments when they played with them in the park? Now the old mother is sick. Her hair is sparse and silver. Her skin wrinkles and sags. She is on the verge of dying. They stare and stare and stare at her, eyes are red and filled with tears.



On the other hand, some of them play an opposite role. They are the parents of the sick man. Sick man has not looked after himself throughout his life, he drinks his liver and smokes his lungs to death. He is very sick and also is on the verge of dying. The parents come every day. They wobble in with their walking sticks, and struggle to sit down. They too, stare at their child for a long long long long time.


What's on their mind? Are they reliving the moments when he was still a new born in their arms? What happened after that? Why did he go astray? Do they blame themselves for the path that he'd taken? Their eyes, are always filled with tears too.


I've seen a father who refused to believe his son was(and still is) in vegetative state. The young patient was discharged from ICU 7 months ago. I bumped into the father last month, shocked but sad to find out that his vegetative son is still in the hospital. He comes in every day to clothe, feed and care for him. I said bye to him, and saw him dropping his head and shoulders and dragging his feet on the very long corridor in the hospital.


Some visitors are neither the parents nor the children of the sick ones. They are the spouse(s).
Some have lived their lives together for 10 years, and for some others, 70 years.


What's on their mind when they stare at their husband/wife? The day when they first met and fell in love with each other? When the girl was youthful and beautiful, and the boy was toned and charming? And are they reliving the moments of fighting and hurting each other, and let their own hearts be filled with remorse. If only they could reverse time and treat each other better, love each other more.


I've seen old men who gently stroke the hair of their sick wife. I have seen old women who put their head on the chest on their sick husband. Not talking. Just staring. Just treasuring the last moments of thier company.



This is the environment that I work in. Not entirely it, but this is the valuable and emotional bit of it.


ICU has not just taught me clinical knowledge; it has put life-and-death right in front of my eyes. It's taught me to thank God for life, for health, for parents, for my fiance, for my loved ones.


So ICU still for me? Absolutely yes.

random

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com - Pauline's Graduation



After a series of events and long hour shifts, I finally sat down, dug up the old files, and started organising the long overdue photos that I promised I would process.


And again, I found my passion again...Oh...after all it has never really left me ....

I saw 2 images...

I saw 2 images this morning in my mind.

In the 1st imagery, there was a big wooden cross. It was dark but rays of bright light shone through thick clouds. I was wailing as I came close to the big cross. I couldn't see anything else but the cross because it was huge. As I came to the foot of the big wooden cross, I started hitting it with my palm. And every time I hit it, I saw my sins flowed from my body and went into the wooden cross. It was bizarre.


So I kept on hitting the cross with my palm. It became a constant rhythm. And more and more sins flowed out. Bang! Bang! Bang!Bang! My sin, my shame, my guilt, my disappointments, my brokenness, my weaknesses, my failures, my filthiness....they left me with each hit.


I did not feel the pain in my palm. I felt more and more powerful in my body and the rhythm of hitting became faster.


I saw that I was telling Jesus, 'I am giving all my sins and shame unto the cross... ''


Then suddenly the imagery changed.


Suddenly I was holding a hammer in my right hand, and a big rusty nail in my left hand.


In the 2nd imagery I was still at the same place, still the same big wooden cross, but this time, there was someone on the wooden cross, it was Jesus Christ the Lord, God's one and only Son.


And this time, I was no longer hitting the empty cross with my palm. This time I was holding a big hammer and nail in my hands.


'NO!!!!!!!! Don't do that!' I tried to stop 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, but 'the Me' did not hear me.
Oh no! I know what is going to happen next! But I can't stop the evil Me from doing that!


In that imagery ,I started hammering the nail into Jesus' hand. Dang! Dang! Dang! ....It was the loud noise of one metal hitting another. I lifted up the hammer, and then again, dang! ...I forcefully pushed the nail another inch deeper into Jesus' palm.


Dang!...another inch deeper...Dang! ....another inch deeper....


The big rusty nail was pushed in completely, nailing Jesus firmly onto the big wooden cross.


End of the 2nd imagery..........


I won't forget this. I never will.


The noises of hammering, the yelling of the crowd, the splashing of His blood, and the sound of the nail hitting the wood.


The smell of blood , mixed with the smell of rust from the nail, and the smell of wood and dirt.


I will never forget about this. It was too real. I was right there and then.


I was the one nailing the Son of God unto the wooden cross. I am not innocent of this crime!


All of the sudden I realised what God was telling me thru the 2 images. They have to overlap , and it forms the Gospel.


The 1st image is the result of the 2nd image. The hitting of sins onto the cross brings me forgiveness, but it doesnt come without a cost. The reality is, we all are responsible for His death of the cross. We are the reason why He died. None of us can escape and say 'I don't know who Jesus Christ is , and I have nothing to do with Him.'


We all are guilty of His death and like 'the Me' in the 2nd imagery, we all held our hammers and nails and we all corporately nailed the Son of God onto the cross.


That's what Gospel is about, that for God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. It is nothing religious nor complicated.


It simply means, Jesus willingly died on the cross for us, and as He was nailed on the cross, our sins and shame were nailed with Him onto the cross as well. And His death brings us forgiveness, and we are again reunited with God the Father our Creator, otherwise we will perish eternally because of the inherent sin that is in us.


I have known the Gospel for a long time, and I have tasted the goodness of God , I have been living in His presence and grace every day........but this time, the images shocked me to the core. I knew Christ died for me, I have heard that some people have seen similar vision. But until I see it myself, the Gospel has never been so real to me.


I will never forget the smell of His blood, and the sound of hammering .


Oh Lord, thank You for dying for me on the cross. Thank you dying for all the readers that are reading this post. You did this because You love all of us.

my decision

I love my job, I love to do what I am doing and love to envisage what I will possibly do in future in my medical career. But have you sometimes come to a place where you feel there is still far too wide a gap from your point A now to your point B in future. I am in this stage. There is an outcry in my heart, I wanna move forward and take ground forcefully, but something is being obstructive here. And I can't advance because of certain circumstances.


The self pity voice cries in my heart, and the distance from my point A now to the future point B seems to be amplified by this.


And I love my job yet I dread going to work. I can hardly recollect any days in my career that I dreaded going to work.


Then God spoke to me again in the midst of chaos.


'Worship is not an option but it is a deliberate decision you have to make.'


Hmm... sometimes we forget that worship is a deliberate decision. We get carried away by the things in the world, our emotions, our ups and downs etc. We let our circumstances determine our reactions.


A change in perspective will make a sharp upturn.


And so, I surrender my burden to You, and I know that You will come to my rescue.

sentiment

This was taken in January this year.


I put this up because I am missing my parents dearly. I was driving home from work on my birthday, and my memory went back to my childhood. I wondered what I looked like as a newborn in the arms of my parents.

Mom used to hold my small hands everywhere she brought me.

another year older

It's my birthday again! For those who have forgotten, it is ok:) I know you still love me.


Honestly speaking, I think 31st March is such a special date for a few reasons... Datelines are always set on 31st March; when something has to expire or due in March, it is always due on 31st March. Has anyone noticed it? Or because it is my birthday, therefore I pay extra attention to this day. Everytime I see this date on any advertisement/publication/bills/warning letters etc etc, I will smile and think out loud ,'don't you know it is my birthday?!' (esp when I receive warning letters hahaha)


Anyway, birthdays are great. Everyone's.


This year I think it will be a quiet birthday. Most of my close friends are not around me anymore. And I have been so busy working. Looks like Kevin has prepared something.


I just wanna say, all birthdays are great, because on this day, God brought you to the world.


Happy 31st March 2009!

the Black Cat

TaDa!!! Lemme introduce the new member of the house! Daaaaaaaaaaa BLLLLLAAAAACCCCKKKKK CAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!



And I have always wanted a black car!

My brandnew Mazda 3, metallic black with tinted windows, hatchback, sleek and handsome; 2.0L , 5 speed manual the gear changes smoothly and very powerful for this class of cars.

I know I am doing badly . Let my Black Cat make his grand entrance by himself!

On the other hand, I wonder where my Purple Monster is right now... is he in good hands? is he out there in the cold and dark?

for u

I will defend you , and us.


In this life I have never met anyone like you. Sometimes I forget. But when I remember to count my blessings, I know I have not made the wrong decision.


You are it.


And you know who you are.

my car is suicidal!

Purple Monster is fed up with life. He's had enough of his master.


He started to show signs of depression 2 years ago and I should have noticed it! My mistake, I was too busy with my own life and paid too lil attention to him. He started showing traits of ageing, and I attributed that to borderline personality disorder. U know, people with borderline personality disorder usually are attention seeker who threaten to attempt suicide or self harm.


Everytime when he flashed out 'check engine', I thought he was throwing tantrum or having his episodes of borderline personality disorder.


I should have noticed it.


Poor Purple Monster, who has gone through the ups and downs of life with me in the last 4 years. He has been with me when I was in my highest and my lowest in life. He has seen my laughter and tears. Many times when I cried and prayed in car, he would just be quiet and bring me to places I wanted to go. When I was on high and sing praise songs to God at my highest pitch, he would run even faster as though he shared my joy.


Purple Monster has served me well. Together, both of us has brought many people to church.
He's seen ppl come and go. Some stayed only for a short while, some stayed longer.


I remember 4 years ago I saw him on the internet, his previous master put him on sale. We met in a carpark, and the first time I saw him I fell in love with him. I was so proud that I finally owned my own car! And he was a smart looking car!


But he was not easily tamed. I had not driven a manual car for 8 years until I met Purple Monster. I remember I spent a few hours on the first day trying to get on top of him, and I must say I did well.


I confess that I am not a good master. Purple Monster has only been bathed 8 times, the first time was when my ex's parents visited Adelaide. The 2nd time was when my parents visited me. The 3rd and 4th time were at the prepaid Happy Wash station with Fuzzy, and that was very therapeutic for me. The 5th , 6th ,7th and 8th time he was bathed by the rain I guess.


I recall one incident where I could not find Purple Monster in the hospital carpark after a heavy rain. I went round and round the carpark and finally saw a sparkling dustless purple car. Guess what, I forgot what he looked like under the thick coat of dust.


Purple Monster started getting sick and weak. I brought him to the doctor every 6 months, and each time the doctor would shake his head and ask me how long more do I intend to keep him.


I knew he wasn't very well.


So he attempted suicide twice last week. Or maybe that wasn't even an attempt. Maybe he is really tired and over it. He stayed in the car hospital for 1 week, had a few organ transplants and made it.


I really felt like giving an 'NFR'( Not For Resuscitation) order to the doctor. I felt Purple Monster has had enough in his life.


I should just let him go...

the developing world- the reality

I am currently attending what they call an intensive medical mission course. It is really pretty intensive. Information-packed-lectures go on from 9am to 5pm , Monday to Friday for 3 weeks. Not to mention that a medical mission course at a bible college always starts with morning mini church serive.


So we are taught tropical infectious diseases, not just the disease itself, but the concept about working in the undeveloped or developing nations. It is very conceptual.


WHO statitics show that 1 child dies of preventable diseases or any cause in every 10 seconds. That means, from now, let us start counting....10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0.... ok, one child has just died unnecessarily. Lets start again. 10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...0... another child has just died now.


It is very scary. Why do these children ( I have not mentioned about men and women) die just like that everyday?


Because they are poor. We think we are poor when we can't afford the latest version of MacBook or iPhone; or can't afford to travel to Europe for a nice long holiday...or can't afford to buy a 300K home ; or can't afford to buy an European or Japanese car.


We are catogorised by the UN as the top 9%. Admit it or not, we are the affluent group of ppl in the world.


60% or ppl are in poverty. Either mild, moderate or extreme poverty.


Poverty means the whole household ( I mean, mom and dad and the 5-6 kids altogether as a household) have to work everyday to make an income of less than 1 dollar a day, either on the field or in garbage tips.


If they are lucky they stay in a small room under the same roof and eat a meal a day.


So what's the problem?


Poverty leads to overcrowding of living environment, no food, no healthcare and no education. Overcrowding leads to increased transmission of infectious diseases; no food means malnutrition and very low immunity; no healthcare means no healthcare of course, and no vaccination. So, when a child catches an infection (it is just as easy and as certain as getting a fine after crossing the red light) , the child dies, either very quickly or slightly slower.


So, no education? Hence no improvement of the current condition. The powerless, the poor and the needy stay more and more powerless, poor and needy forever, for many many more generations to come , if they are lucky to live.


And why should this affect us? If this doesn't move you, then for your sake, think that outbreak of diseases will sooner or later spread to the affluent countries. And it will affect all of us. (Anyway, this might fulfill what the Scripture say about the destruction of the earth and the heavens when Christ comes again )


But from the biblical perspective, it is to restore justice via the restoration of equality . God loves justice and being His disciples , don't we also love justice?


My anger is roused as I learn about the situations in the poorest of the poor nations. A lot of the embarrassing situations can be reversed if there's enough resources and appropriate distribution of these resources, and the cooperation of the local governments and other agencies.


The UN set goals to stop deaths from Malaria by 2015 with the budget of about 3 billion dollars. The experts (and myself, even though I am not an expert) believe it is possible.


The irony is, the iraq war that kills thousands burns 3 billion dollars in no time.


Sigh. I dunno. I have too much to say but does my speech matter at all? Could it have saved the 180 children that died in the last 30 mins while I wrote the post?