Who am I? -2

Have you ever run away from God? Or tried to hide from Him?

I have , many times in my life. Most of the times it was not delibrate, and I did not even try to run away, but I just let it happen, and before I know it I have already let the presence of God slip out of the crack of my busy daily life. The enemy will always deceive us that it is ok to be slightly independent from God, even if it is only in small little things.

Last week I was in the change room at the hospital in the middle of the night as I was about to start my night duty. Suddenly I had a feeling in my heart telling me I have been harbouring a kind of pride that has distanced me from God. I began to realise that's why I have not felt God's peace in me for quite a while. The enemy has made me believe that I was alright in my walk with God as long as I prayed and read the bible everyday. I did not realise in the midst of my busyness I was not delibrate in my pursuit of His face and His glory and His law.

I immediately dropped the things in my hands and started repenting to Him. At that moment I again had the most intimate encounter with my God.

The next day it was the prayer meeting in church. For some reason I knew I had to attend that prayer meeting no matter what , I just felt convicted that God had something great for me there.Truely so, as I entered the meeting I just felt the very very very heavy presence of God , my whole body shivered, my heart leaped with joy and my spirit sang out loud in awe and worship of God

As Pastor Danny qouted the scripture 2 Chronicles 7:14 :' If MY people who are called by MY name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.'

My tears rolled down my cheeks like a tap when I heard this, and throughout the whole meeting I was weaping in tears of sorrow and humility, at the same time love, joy, peace and renewal.

I knew God was speaking right in my face, both in the dark change room at the hospital and in church today. That was a very small change room, hidden in the deepest part of the hospital. The corridor that leads to the change room was not lit with lights, and no telecommunication reception could reach that room. The door was a thick old school wooden door that could only be opened with a set of security code.


And in the darkness of the night and the loneliness of my spirit, when I thought I was far from the presence of my God, and well hidden from the rest of the world, God came and found me even in that change room. And when I thought I was alright , HE confronted me with His Spirit out of His deep love for me, because He doesn't want me to walk away from Him.


Who am I that He loves me so much? That He would come pursuing me with His love rather than condemnation and punishment for my sin of pride.


Psalm 139:7-12

' Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to the heavens You are there, if I make my bed in the depths you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to You; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to You.'


With such great love, will I not lift my hands up and surrender to You? When I come running to You, I will only find myself falling into Your strong arms that are open to catch me.

Who are you? -1

When I was praying my thoughts wandered back to the dark age when I did not know God, and I saw myself. The memories of my life in the past are still fresh, but in those visions they are fragmented.

I was at school, and all of a sudden I was in a pub; then I was in the university; then with friends ....it was everywhere, but at every stop I saw a lonely and broken me who needed restoration.

Then my memory stopped at the first time I stepped into a church. In the clear vision I was walking in to a very small local church, the usher greeted me with a warm welcome and asked if I was coming with anyone. I said I was by myself. Then I picked the back row. And the praise and worship began. People raised their hands and sang.

I closed my eyes and a very powerful feeling gripped my heart. I wept when the feeling of familiarity struck me. I knew my brokenness and emptiness was restored. One touch from God is enough to bring renewal to my life.

8 years later when I was in church I revisited that memory.

I whispered to God, ' Yes Lord, I have met You on that special day.'

God replied, 'But I have met you a very long time before that day.'


Psalm 139 is my favourite scripture at all time.

Psalm 139 verse 13: For You created my inmost being, You knit me together in my mother's womb.'

church after night shift

Gladiator -1

Quoted from my journal in the beginning of August 2010:


Just a few more weeks to my exams. I am a lil nervous but not too bad this time. It doesn't feel like the last exams in March. I know God will deliver the victory into my hands again. He did it last time, this time He will do the same.

But I am still a lil anxious...

My friend and I did a few rounds of revision together, and I have forgotten most things that I studied from the very beginning. Dear Lord, You are my only help....

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quoted from my journal in early September:

1 more week to go and I will again face the giant of this season. The last 2 subjects are just a week away in Melbourne. But this time I am confident, very confident....not in myself, but in my Lord Jesus Christ.

6 months ago I was shivering and fearful, and God gave me a word about splitting the Red Sea and letting His people walk on dry ground to the promised land. He has miraculously let me pass the last exams, therefore I will continue to put my faith in Him. He is able, and if He was willing to do that for me in the past, I am confident that He will do it for me again this time.

Therefore I am very confident, not in myself but in my Lord God Almighty....


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


Quoted from my journal on 14/9/10:

That's it. The exams will start tomorrow. After one whole year of intense preparation, lifestyle changes and sacrifice from Kevin and I, I just can't wait to get this exam over and done with.

Yesterday God gave me a vision. He seems to give me a lot of revelations through visions. This time the vision is about GLADIATOR.

I found myself playing the role of a Gladiator in my vision, and I was walking from the underground tunnel towards the arena. Ahead of me was a fierce battle awaiting me. I could hear the loud cry of the massive crowd who had filled up the whole Colosseum, they had come from near and far to be entertained by this battle that might put me to death.

I stood in front of the gate at the end of the tunnel and I could feel the heat of the battle.

But in my vision, I saw a gigantic figure behind me , He is my God and He cast His shadow over me. He said,' Don't be afraid of the battle ahead of you. I have already given the victory in your hands. You will not be harmed. '

Yeah! Gladiator I am.


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Quoted from my journal after I got the results....17/9/10.


I have locked myself in the hotel room for more than 36 hours. Sometimes I studied, sometimes I looked out of the window facing a beautiful lake, sometimes I lay in bed, sometimes I was on my knees praying. This room is like a beautiful prison cell. But I knew I was not alone, surely God was with me.

Psalm 23 was on my mind the whole time.

The night before the written exam, I went over to my friend's room for revision. He was very depressed and worried about the exams. I laid hand on him and prayed for him, I saw his eyes turned red after the prayer, I knew God must have done something in his heart.

The next day he thanked me and said the prayer worked in him :)

The written and oral exams both went very well for two consecutive days. For the oral exams, God gave me the same examiner who gave me the exam in March! How amazing! I don't think it was by chance. Some exam candidates had very harsh and difficult examiners who would not move on to the next questions unless they said all the right things. But this examiner that I had was fantastic. She was very gracious to me in my March exams that I thought I did not do very well.

The best thing after the oral exams was when the examiners of both subjects said 'well done' before I left. I walked out of the exam hall feeling very good, and I could not stop praising God because if without Him, it would not be possible for me to come to this stage.

The results came out on 17/9/10, Friday evening. I passed!!! (and later when I received the breakdowns of all the answers by post, I realized I did not just pass , I passed with flying colours!)

I knew it! I knew it because my Almighty God had promised deliverance of victory to me. I did my best and the rest I surrendered to Him. It's all Him and I do not dare to take any glory.I am so humbled by His grace and mercy. He has sustained me throughout the whole year of intense preparation, I must have spent more than 1000 hours in it. It was not easy to manage this esp with full time ICU employment and a new marriage. God has renewed me from strength to strength in every moment of my life. And He has also blessed my marriage in every way! Hallelujah!

He is a faithful God, rich in His love, grace and mercy. If we set our hearts to follow Him and trust in Him, He will straighten our paths.

Barnabas

Today Ps Matt preached about Barnabas, which means the son of encouragement.

It stirred me and brought back the ancient memories that was compressed and buried by the giant wheel of life.


Barnabas was the one who saw the work and grace of Christ in Saul's life. He was the one who saw beyond the sinfulness and brokenness in Saul. He saw the hand of Christ in Saul. He saw his potential and his neediness for Christ and His grace.


This has brought me to recall the early age of my Christian life. Who was my Barnabas? Who led me to Christ? Who has discipled me and not judged me when I was still mucking around even after I was saved?


I suddenly remembered those people. I wonder how they are doing now...


I also thought of the few people on whom I have had some impact. I did for them what my Barnabas-es have done for me when I was still a baby Christian. They have grown mature and continued to exert their influence on the others.


When I think about this I praise God with all my heart. It is a beautiful gift that He has given to all of us. The heart of love and grace. It doesn't come naturally in us. When CHRIST DIED ON THE CROSS FOR OUR SINS, He showed us His ultimate love for us. And He transplants this heart into us.


I am glad I have been someone's Barnabas. But if not because of today's sermon, I would have forgotten that I have done that to someone. I think this is a good thing, because ultimately we are the hands and feet of Christ, used for His glory. It is not about us, but about Him.


I will continue in this ministry of discipleship, grace and encouragement. After all, everyone is broken, everyone needs Christ.

A story about God's grace in my life - Exams.

The exams have finally finished and I have a story to tell about this. If you have time, please read on for this is not about me, but about God.


I decided to take this exam before our wedding, but I could not start preparing for it because of wedding preparation and honeymoon. The recommended time to prepare for this exam is usually 6 months for every person. I started preparing for this only 4 months ago.


When it came close to the exam I knew I was way too underprepared. I did not feel good about this exam at all, but God just kept telling me to do my best and leave the rest to Him.


The exam was held in Sydney, so I came to Sydney on Tuesday, trembling all the way. I have never been so fearful about an exam in my whole life, and in my life I have never failed anything (except for music class in primary school because I can't sing:P) but this time I thought to myself, I would surely fail this.


The few days and nights I spent by myself in the hotel , between the study desk (yes, it is a FIVE STAR hotel catered for busy cooperate people) and the toilet. The desk was piled up with many textbooks , each of them as thick as the yellow pages.


I was tired, lonely, and scared.


But God has not left me alone. Literally every single moment when I put down my notes, He would talk to me gently.


He said 'Lean not on your own understanding, but trust in ME, I will show you what I can do. '


I felt as though I was the Israelites spies who saw the Anakites in the land of Canaan ,the promised land , and they felt as small as grasshoppers in their own eyes. But the Lord told me that tomorrow He would give me the promised land. And not related to the Canaan land, He said He would part the Red Sea and let me walk on the dry ground. He also told me if I march around 'my Jericho' with His name , 'my Jericho' would surely fall down.


I was soooooooo close to God because there's only Him there and then. Nothing else can help me.


I went to the written exam on Wednesday. I realised I couldn't answer a lot of questions,; a lot of questions came out from passyear paper but I did not have time to do them. I saw many people finished the exam early and left confidently. My heart sank to the bottom.


Then I went to the oral exam on Thursday. It was disastrous. the first question was strange and unpredicted, I was terrified and lost my confidence for the subsequent questions. My mind went blank and I did not remember anything that I studied so hard for.


I came back to the room sobbing in tears again, thinking surely I would fail. And I would have to start all over again to prepare for another 6 months, and life had to pause again for this exam, etc etc etc.


Yet the Lord picked me up, I told myself, 'Siew Wai Wong ,Get up now and praise God.'


So I sang praises to Him in my sorrow and brokenness. I kept reading Psalm 23. 'Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil for You are with me. '


Yet I heard Him say, ' Don't be despaired, for tomorrow this time I will show you what MY Mighty power can do.'
Oh my faith was stretched to a point of breaking. I began to doubt if it was my OWN voice which said this.


The result came out today on the wall of the exam hall. When I saw that I have passed not just one, but BOTH subjects, I couldn't believe my own eyes. I checked 4 times to make sure I got my name and number right.


Then I broke down in tears immediately, even until now. I have been crying intermittently for a few hours now.


Oh Lord Oh Lord, It is all Him. Nothing in me that deserves that. He really did it for me as He promised. I am overwhelmed and humbled by His loving kindness for me. It reminds me of my salvation, I have done nothing to deserve it, yet He has given it to me freely.


And I cry not because of the exam, but because of who God is.
It is like when Jesus caused Peter to catch a lot of fish; after seeing this, Peter abondoned the fish and followed Him.


I promised God I would share this testimony with everyone, because it is all God's glory.

Withdrawal

I am going to tell a story about one of my patients, Stan.(This is not the real name)


Stan was a middle aged man who unfortunately suffered from a condition named myotonic dystrophy. It was very unfortunate because myotonic dystrophy is a genetic disorder, the end result is the person's muscles become weak as the disease progresses, till he/she becomes too weak to breathe. In addition, the other organs are also affected by this genetic disorder, eventually they will fail too as the disease progresses.


Stan was on life support for more than 2 weeks now. The prognosis was dismal and after much discussion with various specialists and Stan's father, we decided to withdraw his life support and treatment on last Saturday.


In fact it was Stan's father who made the request . This does not happen all the time in ICU. Most commonly families do not understand that modern medical technology is not the answer to everything, and that the mortal body is not invincible.


Stan's father is a 70-80 year-old-man who has a head full of gray hair. He had been the carer of Stan for the last 50 years. Stan was wheel chair bound, so his old father nursed and cared for him faithfully day in day out, carried him in and out of the wheelchair.


So the decision of withdrawal of life support was made, but would not happen immediately because Stan's sister was still on her way from interstate to say bye to him for one last time.


Stan's father was there since that morning. He talked very loudly, with his normal cheerful tone. He held Stan's hand and told him about the fruit trees in the backyard. He smiled at everyone and said thanks to all of us. Everything seemed very ordinary.


It saddened me very much. Was he pretending to be strong on the outside? Or was he relieved? It must have been a very difficult decision to make. He had been faithfully caring for his son for the last 50 years, I am sure somehow or rather it was no longer a time consuming chore, it must have become a main part of his daily life where he found his purpose. I don't know, just a speculation. I might be wrong.


That afternoon was a quiet one and I finished my work early. For the whole day I felt very burdened for Stan and before I went home I went into his room. He was going to die in a few hours and I must tell him about God at any given chance!


He was lightly sedated so I was not sure if he would hear what I had to say. I gently held his hand, and told him that God loved him, and God wanted to be with him. I also told him that Jesus died for him on the cross so that his sins (just like mine) would be forgiven if he believed in Him.


His eyes were closed. I wasn't sure if he heard me. But the voice in me asked me to carry on. I was sure God was there and then.


'Stan, if you want to accept Jesus to be your Saviour, and be with Him, squeeze my hand,' I said.


I felt a gentle squeeze.


Was that him? Really?


I wasn't sure, so I asked again, 'Stan, squeeze my hand again if you believe in Jesus and want to be with Him. '


Another gentle squeeze.


My eyes got teary. I wasn't too sure if he really meant it, but I had done what I could.


I continued to hold his hand, and prayed with him. After all was said and done, I put down his hand, turned around and made my way out. The nurse just happened to come in, and said, ' Hey he waved goodbye to you!'


I turned my head again, yea Stan was waving good bye to me, weakly with his swollen hand.


I waved back and said cheerfully, ' Goodbye, Stan!'


I walked out of the hospital. For a very long time I let myself immerse in a mixture of sorrow and joy, knowing that treatment would be withdrawn, and Stan would die at 9pm. I thought of his loving father , after the past 50 years, this was the first night he would live without Stan.


That goodbye that I said to Stan was a real GOODBYE, for good.


I touched my heart. Oh well, to a certain extent I was glad that after 2 years of working in ICU, my heart had not turned hard and cold. Maybe God put me here for this.


I had many questions that I wanted to ask God about Stan. Did I do it correctly? Did he really accept Jesus as his Saviour? Was he going to heaven or hell?


You know what God answered me? He said, ' This is not your burden. It's Mine.'


Goodbye, Stan.

OMG 3 more dayssss

and I am so not prepared in many ways. Things start getting very intense now as we are still running around getting things done.


And....I have not had my veil completed.... Shhhhhh...Yea I bought a single tiered veil , and I bought it inspite of it having only a tier because it is so beautiful. So I thought...Hmmm...I would fix it, just buy some tulle/lace and add it on, make it a two tier veil (the front tier is called the blusher veil where you have in front of your face as you walk down the aisle, I learnt all this just a few months ago) ...


So I thought I would fix it, just like how I attempted to make my own wedding gown in the beginning! Of course, after days of toiling I realised it wasn't easy at all to make a wedding gown, therefore paying big bucks for one that's professionally done is definitely worth the while.


Hehe.


And Kevin's mom and sis have just arrived this afternoon...Hmmmm they are so nice to me, and being with the in-laws is actually much easier than I thought...


She's so lovely and kind to volunteer herself to sew that veil for me! Awwwwww....I am very blessed.


And tomorrow when mom arrives in Adelaide, I am sure she won't mind putting on some buttons for my wedding gown :P


I am so excited.


Yes 3 more days.

Counting down 24-19=5

5 more days to go!


I have finally finished my 3 day EMST course! It is indeed a huge relief. I can now finally concentrate on my last minute wedding prep/damage control etc...however you call it; and to concentrate on being a bride-to-be.


It is finally hitting me really hard that I am gonna get married! Yea yea everyone says nothing will change, but the fact is, everything will!


And I am especially mindful of the fact that there's only 5 more days left...and then I will be someone's wife, someone's daughter-in-law, someone's sister-in-law...


Sweaty palms...

Counting down...9 more days (for God)

9 more days!


I can't believe how fast time has passed. 18 months have passed since we first met. It was at church , what a great place to meet the Mr Right! LOL just joking...


And then the connect group. And then several weeks of backwards and forwards. Then it was the lil apartment on Westminster Street; that was his birthday. Then it was the Chocolate Bean. Then again it was a several months of life amongst the many yeses and noes. Then the Great Ocean Road. The lighthouse. Melbourne. Back to the little townhouse in Chinatown, Adelaide.


He said he was drawn to me because of my smallness, my helplessness ; and the sadness that only he could pick up through my eyes and the photos that I took; and how carefully I hid it underneath my skin.


Maybe my close friends knew it, that's why 4 of them cried I told them about him. ( My dearest lil sister was one of them for sure).


And I seem to look very happy and relaxed since then, according to everyone.


I am not ashamed to admit that I am a happy person ever since Kevin came into my life. Don't get me wrong, I was never desperate for a boyfriend/husband since the beginning. I did have a few relationships in the past, but I was never a person who believed I would ever settle for a marriage. I had some sort of commitment phobia ( That's why I refuse to sign up a contract with any mobile phone company for this reason. I like prepaid. ) ....... I definitely did NOT believe that a boyfriend, a wedding and a husband is the solution to my loneliness.


I asked God to take him away so I would have no distraction in my life journey. I liked the plans that I drew up for myself. To be a specialist, to commit in long term overseas missions and go to the ends of the earth for God, and to be my mom and dad's girl forever.


But at the end, God asked me, 'Have I really called you to these? '


:)


Kevin came unexpectedly into my life. but he came at the right time. the perfect timing that only God can control. I tried pushing this back to God, 'Nah I will not take this. I will stick to my own plans for my life, God, after all I made all these plans for Your name's sake...'


But God said, 'Take it, for he is my blessing for you.' ..... so God put this back into my hands.


I was driving home yesterday after a long day of work. As I came to the traffic light near home, I was reminded of the differences in my life between now and then. I am glad that I am coming home to someone, to a home with lights on and dinner being prepared. ( Well we take turns to cook)


This is good.


God knows what I need. Not what I want.He cares for us, and He knows the deepest secrets and desires of our hearts, even when we think they are trivial. And God gives His blessings lavishly to whoever He wants to, more than what my hands can receive. Thank You Father. Thank You.

Counting down...24-13=11....

I have to confess that I have been on an emotional rollercoaster in the last few weeks. Busy with work, then fell sick , then went back to Malaysia for my brother's wedding, then came back here, fell sick again, then it was work again... and on top of these is the mounting stress of getting wedding stuff done ,as well as of the preparation for a very important course that I am going to attend next week. ( Oh yes, I am attending a very important course that lasts for 3 days....I regret so much for putting my name down for the course that runs just a week before my wedding....)


And underneath these many layers of physical and emotional stress, there is this layer of emotion called pre-wedding anxiety. I think deep down inside I don't want to change my lifestyle. The thought of 12 more days left to my singlehood freaks me out sometimes.


Last week I had a nervous breakdown where I broke down in tears in front of Kev. He held my arms and came really close , I only recall his very big eyes when I think of this. He said 'baby, wedding preparation is never fun, who said wedding prep is fun? It is the joy and the celebration of that day that makes ppl forget the pain. '


...


In the midst of this emotional chaos, God has shown His face to me. He told me , everything is going to be alright.


I never argue with God because He knows better.


So I have decided to just surrender everything to Him. I have many millions of things on my task list, but today when I came back from my night duty I was like forget about it. Don't worry about the hundreds of thousnds of menial jobs awaiting me mocking me.


I spent my whole afternoon talking to God, searching my soul, writing down my thoughts and just be siew wai. I am not gonna let the enemy steal my joy.


I am beginning to enjoy this last 12 days of my singlehood.

COUNTING DOWN....24-12=12 ( For my mom)

It is by convention that every modern day bride-to-be has a little story to tell as they count the days they have before THE DAY.


And since I am only gonna marry once in my lifetime, I thought this would be a cool thing to do. Maybe years down the road when I reread this series of count down entries I will have a silly grin on my face.


Phew...to be honest, I am pretty anxious now. The break outs on my face is the greatest evidence of my unexplained anxiety. My heart is constantly beating fast probably as a result of prewedding anxiety/excitement , and of course, caffeine and the adrenaline rush that I have at work.


These days I miss my mom even more.


God creates man and woman to be husband and wife, and when they are married they leave their respective parents and become one. This is a beautiful plan that God has for those who are called into a marriage.


I have a very complex mixture of feelings in me. I look forward to being married of course. But deep down inside the heavy feeling of not wanting to be separated from my mom and dad is getting to me. I miss my mommy.


Mom knows that I am highly stressed at this moment. She sent me a text message that goes like this, ' Try to relax, do one thing at a time. think of the beautiful days ahead. Imagine you putting on your wedding dress , walking into the church and all your guests standing up. And you will be the happiest woman on earth. All you have to do is to have sufficient rest.'


My mom is not a person who writes. She usually writes ' happy birthday, mama loves you and misses you very much,' on each of my birthday card. And when she sends an sms, she usually duplicates them so that my sister and myself will get the same version of texts.


This is one of the few times mom writes something at length to me.


I love you my dearest mommy. You are my hero. You are my role model. You are my best friend.

My boss, the THORN in my flesh - Introduction

I really really have to write this down.



I have been having a tough time at work for many months now. Why? Because I have a boss who is insensitive and harsh to me. I prayed and fasted about this, I tried all means to be nice and friendly to him, I tried to convince myself that he generally treats everyone the same....I even tried to bless him in my prayer....



But nothing has changed. And it has come to a point that I am convinced he just does not like me. It has been 14 months since I started working there, and I have spent my entire 14 months analyzing this issue. The conclusion is, no matter what I do, he just doesn't like me. It is just me, no one else gets that kind of treatment from him.



I can't stand him, can't stand his attitude....He bragged about his intelligence, and once jokingly said that HE IS GOD AND ALL MUST LISTEN TO HIM!!!!



He has no freaking idea what he has done to me. He will just keep picking on everything that I do and I have ended up doubting myself and my own capability as a doctor. I dread going to work when I know he is on duty. I do not enjoy my work at all when he is around.....



BUT BUT BUT......this is not the end of my story...and certainly is not the focus of my sharing.



What I want to say is, all in all, God has His wonderful plan in this circumstance.



This boss of mine is not there by chance or merely by the scheme of Satan. I am convinced that God put him there for a very very important reason. (in fact, I believe it is not just for one reason....God's plan is so mighty that it encompasses everything)



This boss is there to be a thorn in my flesh!!!!!



Ouch! A THORNNNNNNNNN!!!!! Just like a wart on the sole of my foot that hurts in every step I take. Has anyone had a wart on the foot before? I had a big one and it made me crippled for months and I had to have it removed surgically.



And this boss of mine is a huge thorn and it irritates me soooooo much .



But I wonder what kind of person I would turn out to be if I had not such a big thorn in my flesh?
Surely a proud and egoistic swine. ( I like the terminology, 'swine' is a hot term nowadays)



What has God taught me through this humongous thorn in my flesh?


A lot.



I shall share in my next post. In fact, it has been an interesting journey and I think I will write a series of posts about this ;)



Yes I like the title of this post. The thorn in my flesh. Oh boy now that Thorny image of my boss will forever get stuck in my mind ... :D

a lazy Friday- I enjoy this very much

My off-week is even sweeter after a week of hard work.


I love the freedom of sleeping in. Then I took my own sweet time to make myself a cup of coffee. I turned on my laptop, randomly chose a worship song and played it. I talked to God, and I read His Word.


Then I went swimming...came home. Made myself a heavy brunch.


I made myself a cup of coffee again. I turned on the music, read the BBC. I am tired of wars and terrorism and humanitarian crisis. I closed the news page.


The weather is awesome out there.


No more studying today, no more painting, no more photography. I think I will enjoy the afternoon with a good book in my hand.

i should write more

I was in between G-chatting with Kevin, surfing net, looking at my eBay account, and trying to study physiology. Right in front of me is a 5 cm thick medical textbook, and it is mocking me, and laughing at me:(


By the way I am on night shift.


In my boredom I opened my Facebook page and began to browse through my friends' pages; friends whom I have not talked to for years. Facebook is great. It lets you sneak in to your friends world without being noticed, you merely close the window and get out of that world without leaving a mark.


But isn't that artificial? I have a big list of friends on my facebook , but how much do I really know about each of them...Facebook gives me a false sense of connection with my 'friends' , reassures me that yes, yes, they are still around, and they are aware that I am still alive too...


Okie...what's my point here? I'd better get back to work. Can't leave all the Mr and Mrs Smithsss for too long.

Shall I count down????

Every girl ( well, ok, not every but most girls) wants to have a dreamy fairy tale style wedding when they get married. I am not sure if I was one of them ( I am using past tense. )

The fact about me is that I am not the type of girls who will sit down for the whole day and fantasize about that BIG day. (Infact, before this I did not even think I would marry anyone.....) Which kind of dress, which kind of flowers, which kind of bridesmaid dress, which shoes, which jewels , which hair style, which make up, which musics, which theme, which colour for the carpet ( thank God there's only one colour for the carpet)...

I am really not fussed. I just want my family and close friends to be there and celebrate this day with me. I just want to walk down the aisle to my husband. I don't need a perfect ceremony, I don't want to be anxious and stressed about THE day. I don't think 10 20 years later I will remember what shoes I wear on my wedding day, I certainly will not remember what songs the musicians play. But one thing I will remember, I will remember that I have had a fun and crazy wedding, and that I am married to him, and all my loved ones are there with me.

But having said that, it doesnt mean I have no anticipation for my wedding at all. I am very excited about it. Again, as I said, it is more so for the 'marriage' (or the holy union, if anyone wants to call it this way) and the celebration with my family, rather than the rituals and formality.

So, 3 more months to go, and I have not had everything on the list ticked. But so what?

happy birthday baby

You are my heartsong. You are it.

Happy birthday to you, and in the many more years to come, I will celebrate each birthday with you , till death do us apart.

cold isnt it

Autumn....

Photo taken by siew wai on a very cold autumn day....

the high and low of the world that I work in

It has been 18 months since I started my ICU training. Is this what I really want to do? Yes and I enjoy doing this . Very much.


Having said this, like what my best friend said, this is a very unnatural environment to work in. The burden and stress can be exceedingly huge, because we often have to deal with life-and-death situations, well, almost on a daily basis. And not everyone gets better. Some make it , some don't.


There is always the presence of family and friends by the sick bed. Some come alone, some in a group. Some stay for the whole day, some just a short while.


But most of them who come are those who care deeply for the sick ones.


They usually sit by the patient's bed; sometimes they hold the patient's hands, sometimes they don't .


But all of them do one thing in common. They often stare at the patient's face for a long long long long time. (By the way, most of these patients in ICU are deeply sedated and on life support, i.e. they are in induced coma)


I always wonder, when they stare at their loved ones, what's on their mind? In their mindscape, what do they see? Or what are they trying to see or recall?


Are they having flashback moments of their sick old mother or father? In their mindscape are they reliving the moments when their mother or father held their little hands and walked them to school? The moments when they played with them in the park? Now the old mother is sick. Her hair is sparse and silver. Her skin wrinkles and sags. She is on the verge of dying. They stare and stare and stare at her, eyes are red and filled with tears.



On the other hand, some of them play an opposite role. They are the parents of the sick man. Sick man has not looked after himself throughout his life, he drinks his liver and smokes his lungs to death. He is very sick and also is on the verge of dying. The parents come every day. They wobble in with their walking sticks, and struggle to sit down. They too, stare at their child for a long long long long time.


What's on their mind? Are they reliving the moments when he was still a new born in their arms? What happened after that? Why did he go astray? Do they blame themselves for the path that he'd taken? Their eyes, are always filled with tears too.


I've seen a father who refused to believe his son was(and still is) in vegetative state. The young patient was discharged from ICU 7 months ago. I bumped into the father last month, shocked but sad to find out that his vegetative son is still in the hospital. He comes in every day to clothe, feed and care for him. I said bye to him, and saw him dropping his head and shoulders and dragging his feet on the very long corridor in the hospital.


Some visitors are neither the parents nor the children of the sick ones. They are the spouse(s).
Some have lived their lives together for 10 years, and for some others, 70 years.


What's on their mind when they stare at their husband/wife? The day when they first met and fell in love with each other? When the girl was youthful and beautiful, and the boy was toned and charming? And are they reliving the moments of fighting and hurting each other, and let their own hearts be filled with remorse. If only they could reverse time and treat each other better, love each other more.


I've seen old men who gently stroke the hair of their sick wife. I have seen old women who put their head on the chest on their sick husband. Not talking. Just staring. Just treasuring the last moments of thier company.



This is the environment that I work in. Not entirely it, but this is the valuable and emotional bit of it.


ICU has not just taught me clinical knowledge; it has put life-and-death right in front of my eyes. It's taught me to thank God for life, for health, for parents, for my fiance, for my loved ones.


So ICU still for me? Absolutely yes.

random

www.siewwai.zenfolio.com - Pauline's Graduation



After a series of events and long hour shifts, I finally sat down, dug up the old files, and started organising the long overdue photos that I promised I would process.


And again, I found my passion again...Oh...after all it has never really left me ....