Pastor Victor and Kelly

I am very proud of them. My Christian life has never been the same since God put me in that church back in Malaysia. (hehe I should say 'my LIFE has never been the same' because I accepted Christ in that church and Ps Vic was my first pastor.)

I just realised my leadership style is very very much like Ps Vic's. He is a real man of God, he loves, he encourages, he pours out his heart, he sacrifices his own needs...he will do all this for people. I never knew how much I was influenced by him until I started leading. Every now and then the memory of him serving us day and night will strike my mind and that keeps me motivated.

We talked on MSN yesterday. This was what he wrote, he made me wanna praise God.


Pastor Victor and Kelly, this post is specially for you.

If you ever feel weary of discipling anyone, remember me as the fruit of your work and be encouraged. You don't know how just by observing you has inspired me and changed my life. If I ever stand on the pulpit, I will surely give thanks to God for sending me to you and will mention how upright you are as my leader. You are once my pastor, forever my pastor. I love you both:)

surrender

I want so much to be a missionary to countries/tribes where gospel is not heard and medical care is inaccessible. I have always been wanting to specialise in O&G (obstetric and gynaecology), a specialised wing of medicine that takes care of women's health,pregnancies and deliveries. My burden is for women who are deprived of care due to restriction of freedom and low social status. As a female doctor, i thought it will be good to serve them this way.

However I guess that might not be God's will for me. He has given me many many signs and hints through different people.

To me, it is rather sad and disappointing to find out that real mission fields don't need a highly specialised O&G doctor. They need a GP, a general doctor who can treat all kinds of basic diseases. A population that has no access to primary health care will never need a specialist who can only treat a certain type of problems. O&G training is long and hard, it is not practical if I ultimately become a missionary.

It is truly a huge challenge to me. I have never ever thought of being a GP in my entire life. If you ask me, even until now, that would be the last thing I ever wanna do in the medical field.

Being a GP in mission field is excellent and sounds exciting, but I can't bear the training process which requires me to sit in a small room the whole day and have patients coming in and out. They will bring their spouse, or the entire family to see you, and tell you about the family story of 3 generations.

The training process is the shortest and easiest, and GPs make good income compared to most specialists. But I just hate it.

I dunno, I just hate being a GP.

I was crying very sadly when I found out I might end up being a GP. Then God asked me, 'Why do u wanna be an O&G specialist? Is that really for ME? or to satisfy your sense of achievement/social status etc? '

My friend Ming once told me about the life of a great korean theologian/minister who completed his PhD in some very difficult science subject 60 years ago in a very prestigous university (either Cambridge/Oxford/MIT).On his way back to Korea after completion of PhD, God told him to throw his certificate into the sea and forget about his entire life of studies. Bear in mind that he was a Korean back in those days who completed such a tough course in such a prestigous institute.
Nonetheless he obeyed. God used him mightily after that to bring countless of people to Christ.

To do God's will mean I have to deny my own desire. Would I be able to do that? I just have to surrender and trust in Him.

a quote

I am currently reading the collection of AW Tozer's sermons.

Came across this chapter.

' Anyone who wishes to check on his true spiritual condition may do so by noting what his voluntary thoughts have been over the last hours or days. What has he thought about when free to think of what he pleased?'

I especially like this sentence that he said:

' When the bird of thought was let go, did it fly out like the raven to settle upon floating carcasses or did it like the dove circle and return again to the ark of God?'

Hmm..what I thought just hours ago was about shopping and buying new clothes.

What were u thinking hours/days ago?

growing up

I think I am currently in the transition period where God is moulding my character. Being the chair person I learned to trust in God and stand firm against any persecutions. But being a newly stepped-down ex-chair person I feel it is a totally new story about learning about God and myself.

A friend asked 'How can you always be running strong in your walk with God? Don't you have times when you are low?'

Of course I do have. But what is the benefit of always complaining and dwelling in the negative emotions and allow that to eat you away bit by bit? I'd rather fight against the devil and my own sinful nature when I am low, I hate to dwell in the pit and pity myself. How can you lead and exhort others if you don't stand strong? That's what I've learned while I was the chair person, to run back to God within the split second, so quickly that as if nothing had happened.

A preacher said,'It is ok to fall asleep, but morning always comes after midnight. Do you get up early or still stay in bed?', this has become my principle.

A few ppl asked ,'Don't you feel lost because now the power and authority is no longer in your hand?' ...That's a very foolish question to begin with. It sounded like satan when he asked Eve 'Did God really say you must not eat from any tree in the garden?'

It takes humility to fade off and let the new generation move on, and to see them demolish or modify the work that I have done. Sometimes I feel bitter,but I know it is for the building of God's kingdom.

Therefore I said this has been another season of my life where God continues to reveal my ugliness and mould my character. Everyday He passes me an oversized mirror , and guess what, His mirror is the truth-exposing mirror, nothing can hide from it. Sometimes I see spinach between my teeth even after I brush them, sometimes I see new pimple (just an illustration).

Who will like to see the real self being exposed? If this magic mirror was hung in the boutique, all men and women would not dare to look into it nor walk pass it.

I like this season, I like this mirror because it does more than just exposing my true self, most importantly it is therapeutic.

some updates...

It has been a long time...phew, the busiest week has passed.

FINALLY I have stepped down! I am no longer the chairperson. This month has been an emotional period, as I reflected on the past 1 year, I was reminded how faithful God has been to OCF and myself.

OCF was left with 30-40 ppl when I first took chair. The atmosphere was dry, every Friday night when the worship team were in front, the hall was only 20% filled. Can't remember how many times I was on my knees crying to God, asking Him to show me a way to revive OCF.
He is surely faithful. OCF exploded with growth both spiritually and physically. Now we have average attendance of 80 ppl every Friday. Each bible study group goes well, the atmosphere is just different.

..........when I recall, I can only smile now. God has surely given me a new heart, I don't remember the pain and sufferings, the exhaustion of my body and sometimes my spirit. All I remember is the faithfulness of God and the joy of serving Him.
*****
AGM went well. I led worship with my whole committee. Seeing the new president and her committee took over the baton, I was reminded of what happened 1 year ago..wong siew wai took chair, wong siew wai gave a speech and vision for OCF, wong siew wai sang the vision song...wong siew wai stepped up with a prideful and vulnerable heart; 1 year later wong siew wai stepped down with a contrite and strong heart, knowing humility is the key of every servant of Christ; the heart was scarred,renewed and trained.

*****
Though with a lot of spiritual attacks which led to physical hazards to me myself, Kairos (leadership camp) still went very well.Praise God. The game idea He gave Voon and I was truly a testimony in itself. How could we think of building a Noah's Ark if not God? How could we think of the correlation between the building of the Ark was like building His kingdom? It is only Him.

At the end of the game everyone came up to us and said they had never experienced such thing like this in a game, they have all enjoyed it and the teaching behind it. All said it was very original, we should copy right the game..haha..God's plan is truly original, He is the master mind behind, all glory to Him.
********
The mentally ill Chinese guy whom I mentioned in my blog was sent to another mental hospital. I will visit him there..
*******
Today I woke up, I felt my life is new now. I felt very strange but nice.
Everything has changed, but God is still the same to me. And it doesnt change my identity in His eye.

I love him, and He loves me.

powerful testimony

You know what happened 3 hours ago?

All of a sudden my dear sister Ivy Voon had very terrible rash and itchiness all over her body.It was already 2am and we just finished the birthday celebration for my boyfriend, I was dead tired. She requested me to send her to the hospital at 2 am...so we rushed to the hospital ( yes, the one where I worked at just 1 week ago).

My heart was troubled because it was already 2am on Thursday, and I still had so many things that I have not done before AGM on Friday and Kairos on Sat and Sun. I have to prepare for the worship leading, the step down speech, and I am also in charge of a 2hr session in Kairos (the bigger scale leadership seminar) but I have no idea what to teach/do!

I felt that it was a fierce spiritual warfare. Now that we were stuck in the hospital, I couldn't plan the 2hr workshop, and Ivy might not be able to play the piano and lead worship in Kairos due to the sickness.

Then in the hospital we just prayed and prayed and prayed. In my prayer I was reminded that the whole preperation of Kairos was not smooth, a few speakers pulled out and we are still short of one speaker. But all this is the devil's scheme.

A miracle happend after we prayed. Somehow we started to have a lot of fantastic ideas about the workshop. We were so excited and inspired by the Spirit that we managed to work the plan out in just 2 hours! In just 2 hours, in the hospital, with the help of the Spirit, we could do what I could not do in 3 weeks!

What amazed me the most was when we finished planning, Ivy's rash and itchiness disappeared simultaneously! We cancelled our registration and went home.

I felt so strongly the Lord has won the battle for us. What the devil tried to do against us, God turned it around and used it to bless us. God also knew I wouldn't be able to work that by myself at home because I was distracted by other responsibility. It has to be done in the hospital while we were freed from other duties.

The devil's plan: Ivy became sick + I had no time to plan
God's victory: Ivy was healed + we worked a wonderful plan together
Results: God gets the glory through our testimony

Trust me, it will be an awesome workshop, not because of me, but because I know this plan came from God. And God works for the good of all who love Him.

slurppp

Ok lemme tell you what has been bugging me recently, in the midst of my crazy schedule, in the midst of the preparation to step down and move on...

' How can I possibly eat all the yummy food in KL while I am back for 1 month?'

I am not kidding! I really have been thinking of this hehe. See, I have been so deprived of nice food for a year, now that I am going back for 1 month, I think I have to plan my meals wisely so that I can eat all the things in 1 month.

Nasi lemak(must be the one in Sri Petaling)
Satay(must be the one on Kesas Highway)
Curry (my mom cooks the best curry, i think hehe)
Wanton noodle (Imbi market)
prawns and crabs
Kong Fu Chow (near Petaling Street has the best kong fu chow in kl)
roti canai
Yong Tofu (Ampang!)
etc etc etc etc etc...

I can't name all! How can I possibly fit all these into my stomach in 1 month?

It is very good that mom bought a treadmill last year, and it is now put in MY ROOM. Yeah my room has become a mini gym. The treadmill is there, dad's tai chi equipments are there, my brother's gym ball and dumbbells are there, and my sister's aerobic stuff are there too.

Mom just called, you know what she did? The durian season has just ended and she has kept some durians in the freezer so that I'll be able to enjoy them when I come back. Very smart and see how much she loves me hehe. Slurppppppppp...KL, I can't wait to come to you!


ok...back to reality. I am gonna eat instant noodles later. Too lazy to cook and sick of aussie style chinese food out there.

a shocking evening

Hhm, it comes to story telling time again. Really, my life has become God and ministry orientated,and I don't share things between Chris and I because I am shy, and I don't like to tell the bits and pieces about my everyday life...so the next interesting thing to share will be related to my work... :)

Today there came a mentally ill patient to the Emergency Dept. He is an international student from a one of the Chinese speaking countries,studying a master degree in Adelaide Uni. I had particular interest in this patient because he is a Chinese, I thought I could communicate better with him.

He was detained in a special room guarded by 4-5 police officers. Apparently he threatened to kill ppl.

When I interviewed him, he told me in my face he hated all Chinese Malaysians because we spoke very lousy Mandarin. Because he was mentally ill I just let him say whatever he liked. But it was very hard not to take it personally..hmm

Later a lot of people came to talk to him, a lot of security guards and police were standing outside. He lost his control, started to punch the wall and his hand bled. He dropped on the floor and cried out in tears. He kept shouting he was just a student, not a criminal, he wanted to go back home etc etc

From the limited information that I managed to get from him,I gathered that he came from a broken family. He was a law student in a famous university but quit because of his mental illness.

What shocked me the most was when I found out his brother owns a very famous and successful franchise in Adelaide. Almost all Chinese students in Adelaide know this franchise.

Then I recalled I have seen his face just one month ago, in the shop, taking my order at the counter and handing me my order. He was joking and smiling at me in the shop.

It cut me deeply in my heart and I almost cried when he cried. A Chinese student with mental disorder, lives alone in a foreign country, speaks a different language, despised by everyone because of his mental illness, and now hurting himself.

I went to eat, I went to gym,I took the bus, I walked...but wherever I went, in my mind I could not get rid of the smiling face behind the counter, his smile was like sun shine, he handed me my order, he collected the money. He said goodbye and asked me to come again. The same person.

If only he grew up in a complete and healthy family, if only he knew God loves him. He was surrounded by so many people, if only I had the courage to pray with him and tell him about Jesus in the midst of doctors, nurses, police officers and other patients.

There is a 2nd chance, the doctors have decided to detain him in the hospital. Tomorrow I will visit him in the mental ward. I will try to tell him about Jesus.

conversation with God

It was just God and I. As usual, we had an interesting conversation.

"So, Father, I have done my job, after 1 yr of leading OCF, have I been good and faithful?"

I felt God was smiling, then He said, "Yes, good and faithful servant."

Then I became very relieved, I thought in my heart, " yea, I have served God."

Then God immediately said," You think you have served me? Hehe, not quite, Siew Wai, on the contrary, I was doing you a favour; you didn't help me, but I helped you."

"Huh!???What did You mean, Father? "

" I put you in this position, a year and a chance to discover ME, to learn to trust in ME, and to know who you really are. Infact the very essence of being a believer is to know ME."

Immediately I was awestruck, I melted in my heart. What can I say? He must be laughing, like a father laughing at his little child who thinks he is clever by learning 1+1=2 in the kindergarten.

Truly, after 1 year of leading and serving, I got to know Him better, and He reflects who I am, how broken, how ugly, how sinful I am; He crushed my pride, He struck my knees so that I would lower myself, and acknowledge my weakness, so that He may display His lavish grace.

Truly, I did not offer Him any service, but He offered me a chance to know Him and know myself.

With this conviction, all the hard work and sufferings in the past has been wiped off. All I remember now is the joy and the gain. The joy is,I have known Him more; the gain is, I have learned the significance of humility.

Lower me, so that You will be exalted; I decrease so that You may increase.

anniversary:)

I was baptised on 30th Aug, 2003.

I was telling everyone whom I met today that it was my 3rd year anniversary with my God :)

This is my journal dated 29th Aug 2003, the day before my baptism:

'' It's my baptism tomorrow, I m very thrilled yet peaceful in my heart. It is indescribable. I love you Father, and I wanna let the whole world know I love You. Tomorrow my family will come to the baptism. I will give my testimony in the church, I want to let mom know how much You have changed me, mom will know my decision is right, and know that You love her.
You have saved me, because of You I have the real joy in my heart. Wow, tomorrow I will be Your bride my Lord!! I can't wait till tomorrow. I love You, tonight I will surely smile in my dream.''

I still remember the whole ceremony. I was in the pool, the church members sang praises to God, my family except for dad was present. The pastor asked me something which I can't remember now. Then I was immersed into the water and quickly brought up again out of the water.

The whole thing was very brief, yet it felt as if I had truly gone thru the death and resurrection.

(Now I m just wondering how glorious it must have been, at Jesus' baptism, the heaven was opened and the Spirit descended like a dove and lighting on Him, and God said ' This is my Son,whom I love, with Him I Am well pleased.')

And after that time zoomed...3 years have passed. Many more years will come, I pray that I will continue to feel excited about my baptism even 50 years later.

the birth of a dream

I cant contain it , I must write this! All my cells are praising God, for His perfect timing,His provision and His sovereignty...

Today I celebrate the birth of a dream. I call it the M&M project. What is it? It means Missionaries Maker project.

I remember 2 years ago God called me to be a full time missionary; 1 yr ago He started giving me the burden for Chinese students in Australia, I began to wanna start a Chinese OCF to cater to the Chinese students; I also wanted to form a mission trip for OCF.However the projects were delayed because we have been too stretched with man power, I was just busy building up OCF.

I never saw how these 3 things could link. Today God has let me see it!

See, when I step down from presidency, I will start the M&M project. We give ourselves 1 year of preparation spiritually, physically and mentally. Our destination is a short mission trip to China. With the help from OMF, we will get the training on reading Scripture in Mandarin, communication in Madarin, and studying Chinese culture. In that one year of serious training, we must pray and fast consistently,and memorise at least a gospel book in Mandarin.

While we get our training, we also form the Chinese OCF group , that will be the ground of practice for all of us.

Ultimately we will achieve 4 things:
1) reach out to Chinese students here; (mission at our doorstep)
2) put our training in practice while reaching out to the Chinese students here
3) hopefully the converted Chinese students will be impacted by our training and join us in this mission trip, this will open their eyes to see the need to go home to spread the Gospel to their own ppl.
4) some may pull out,but ultimately those who endure the 1yr training will truly know their calling as missionaries.

God is awesome, He never makes mistakes. Before He close a door, He will first open another one.

I remember asking Him ' how to be a missionary?' , ' What do I do after being the chair person of OCF? ' , at one point of time I was just worried I will be made redundant, coming from an ultra active leadership role to not so active role, my human nature will surely let me down.

But God will never run out of plans for those who earnestly wanna serve Him.

Ivy Voon is so excited and she will fight alongside (she forced me to mention her name hehe:))

Whoever wanna join the training, please pray for conviction. If you are called, God will bring us together with one vision. I am very excited now, but I still need to pray for God to protect this dream, because a temporal passion will die when it is tested, but a conviction stands.

night shift

I just came back from a 10 hr shift over saturday night, it was a freezing night spent on the ambulance and with the paramedics.

We received one of the cases from a nursing home. An old chinese lady had a stroke weeks ago that caused brain damage and muscle paralysis to her. She fell from bed , that's why the care taker called the ambulance.

Somehow I felt very compassionate toward her. She is very very old and tiny, her whole body was wasting away, and she doesnt understand english at all.

When we were waiting for the hospital staff to arrange a bed for her on arrival, I couldnt describe the feeling I felt toward her. She had a stroke and was paralysed, she could not talk nor understand English, and she was dumped in the nursing home. My heart ached.

I only had 10 mins before the ambulance left. I quickly touched her shoulder, gently rubbed her hair, grabbed her hand and looked into her eyes, I smiled, and asked her in Mandarin,

'Do you know Yesu (Jesus)?'

She understood me and opened her eyes. I told her not to worry, God loves her, she is precious in God's eyes, she has a purpose in life which is to know God. I asked her if she wanted to accept Jesus as her Lord and Saviour.

She opened her mouth but all she could produce was just 'Ahh...arrhhh...' because her stroke has damaged her speech area in the brain.

Time was running out and I could not understand her 'ahhh...ahhh', I asked God and myself anxiously, does she wanna believe??????? does she understand me?

In that few minutes, I taught her if she wanna accept Jesus, just confess in her heart and God will know. I repeated the prayer 4 times just in case she didnt get it.

Then I asked her, if you wanna believe in Jesus, gimme a smile. although it was subtle due to paralysis to the face, BUT SHE SMILED! I almost cried.

I do not know whether she really believed or not, I dont know if she was already a believer in the first place, but today I felt God's love overflowing through me. I know God looks from heaven, when He sees this very very old woman, He sees a lil baby girl that should belong to Him.

All lives are precious, all souls need salvation.

3 senarios

tell me what you should do/feel in these 3 senarios, esp when they all happen in 3 days:

1) 1st day: u are invited to a not-so-close friend's farewell party, to be polite u go. but bcuz u r not close,u dunno he has moved. When u reach his house, u find that the house is very quiet, u think 'hmm maybe they are praying for him.'
Then u open the front gate which is not locked, u go into the house.

All of a sudden an aussie man,woman and child come out from the backdoor of the house. Both parties are startled! And the aussie man raises his voice in a hostile tone ,saying ,' Excuse me, this is OUR house, what are u doing ?!!'

U are 'caught' and thought to be a burglar!!

Then instantaneously u raise up ur arms as a sign of surrender, u say 'sorry, i am not trying to break in, i just thought my friend is living here.'

They say ,' They have left last year.' ...without hesitation u hurry urself out of that place, and u feel at ur back they are staring at u in disgust and unbelief.
________________________________________________________________

2) 2nd day: u park ur car nicely in a parking box in front of a supermarket. When u walk out of the supermarket to ur car, an old aussie man stands close to ur car. His car is next to yours. When he sees u he shouts loudly,almost puts u in absolute embarrassment in public ,

' DO YOU PARK LIKE THAT IN CHINA?!!!!!!!!!!!??'

Then u check ur car, u park correctly in the correct place, not obstructing any traffic. U don't even know what's wrong. He goes on scolding and yelling and shouting at you, as if u have done something wrong. He says the police will come to fine u etc etc etc.
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3) 3rd day: you are working in the hospital as usual. An old aussie woman is sent to emergency department. You genuinely smile and want to offer your professional help to her. Instead of coorperation she gives u a sour face because u are a student doctor. Then she starts questioning everything that u do in your physical examination on her. She thinks you know nothing and says nasty thing about you and your medical knowledge.

Then she says ,' Oh God (she uses God's name in vain), can you plz send someone who is ENGLISH SPEAKING to me? I don't understand your English at all. Plz speak proper English!'

She yells so loud that the doctor nextdoor hears it. And to be professional you have to smile, and continue to do what u have to do as a doctor.
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Yes, these 3 odd incidents happened to me in the past 3 days. In between there were also some small, unpleasant things. After each time my heart almost jumped out, I almost wanna cry out in tears. Again I asked myself , 'Why am I still in Australia??????????????'

BUT should I complain? NO. This is nothing compared to what I will face in future in mission field. Shall I give up? Will this affect my joy in God ? BY NO MEANS! In fact, I grew stronger and tougher after each unpleasant accusation. Yeah, my skin becomes 3 mm thicker now. Hehe :))))) very good. You won't enjoy your Christian faith in this world if you don't have a very thick skin.

I know who did all this. Not the Aussies. If I blamed the Aussies, then I am no different from the racists.

The devil, our enemy in common, the accuser is the culprit. he thinks he can distract me and stop my joy? On the contrary, what he gave to me defeated his own evil purpose.

God is able to turn a mistake to be something beautiful.

Genesis 50:20 -> ' You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.'

Amen :)

emergency department

Reading my last post really freaked me out a lil bit. If I were not a believer I would probably say Siew Wai was insane because of her zeal. But I was very touched by the Spirit of God that night and very overwhelmed.

Anyway, these days have been busy. I m currently working at the emergency department. It has been exciting. Last week I did my first CPR on a real human, it was very tiring because you need to compress the chest really hard and fast, within 2 minutes I felt as if I was the one who needed resuscitation. So I was very overwhelmed when the senior doctor kept yelling 'Don't stop CPR! Don't stop!' , so I kept doing without knowing what on earth was happening. Everyone was pacing around to rescue the patient with intubation, injection etc.

Suddenly everyone stopped.....A while later only I realised the patient died! I was very shocked and stunned, I mean, how can the patient die while I was doing the chest compression? I know of course it was not my fault, because the patient came in half dying, we had very limited chance to bring him back. But still, it was shocking for me to see a patient died while I was doing CPR.

But this emergency rotation has generally been very fun. I see patients by myself, I form my own management plan, I give them medicines, I tell them to go home etc...

I don't have to care about what I wear because we wear the emergency uniform, and sneakers or running shoes are allowed.

The best thing was, last week I admitted myself as patient because I had injury to my back.I was working there, when it came to my turn to be seen, I just hopped on to the examination bed to let my fellow doctor checked me. I prescribed my own medicines and wrote on my own casenotes :) cool isnt it?

go all out

I wanna go all out to do mission. I wanna work day and night in a nation or place where people are in both extreme material and spiritual poverty ,and sleep on the floor, and walk and work under hot sun with people. I wanna spread Gospel to the people, I wanna plant and build church for Jesus, I wanna train young people to be missionaries and pastors, I wanna speak God's Word that pierces hearts and divides souls.

I wanna just work and work and work for Christ. I think I am a workaholic. I feel very uncomfortable to just sit in a gathering and just talk rubbish.Yeah, it is about building relationship, but I hate wasting time. I don't wanna be comfortable in a rich environment. Just put me in front line , in war zone, in refugee camp, please, I will be very frustrated if I can't use the talents that He has given me for His kingdom.

Everyone needs Jesus, but our generation is too blessed and saturated with materials. We are very fat in our hearts, that's why God is NOT the priority of many Christians. Many people put career, studies, money, relationship, hobbies above God. I ask God, why do You put me here? Send me out! There are people out there who are so hungry in their souls that they will take in whatever the Bible says.

But I know, God has His plan and time. Maybe He has more to do to prepare me. But I know, I am very strongly convicted that, one day I will be sent out. Day and night I pray that He will use me.

Let me die the death of a martyr, if it is His will. I saw a picture of someone dying with both arms holding on tightly to a wooden cross, that picture struck me and is still vividly clear in my mind till today. And I said that day, Yes Lord, I will.

some thoughts about wisdom n foolishness

1Corinthians, chapter 1 says:

18 For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
19 For it is written: "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate."
20Where is the wise man? Where is the scholar? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?
21 For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.
22 Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom,
23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles,
24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.
25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength.

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I stumbled upon one of my friend's friend's blog. I do not know that person, but interestingly I spent an hour reading all the entries of his blog.

It is very mind blowing and puzzling to see how someone blesphemes against God. I have concluded in my own foolish opinion why some ppl will do this. I myself was one of them who acted in such a manner.

1) everyone has experienced the goodness of God, just that some do not know or refuse to admit all good things come from God.
2) they have limited amount of knowledge about God thus they choose to view God with a tunnel view.
3) they trust in human wisdom and strength.
4) they are disgusted by the notion of ' Jesus is the ONLY way to God'. many think that all paths lead to the same God, others think there are more than one god.

etc etc etc

I can list many many more. But I will conclude that there is only one thing that leads to this unbelief. It is PRIDE, and i believe pride is the root of all sin. I don't intend to waste my time in any debate.

Just feel very burdened to say, in my opinion, UNBELIEF is not just that you don't believe in certain things about God even though you agree there is a god. Unbelief is you DON'T believe in God at all. In the bible, things are only 'black or white', 'wrong or right', 'yes or no'. There is no such thing as 'grey/maybe/a little bit/errmm....should be.'

God gives clear instruction in everything. You either believe in Him or you don't. You either enter into heaven or you don't. You either follow Jesus or you don't . You either please Him or you don't.

God cannot be mocked. and He says small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it. I don't like to use this word 'Christianity' because it sounds like a religion, a set of rules, a world wide association.It sounds limited.

To be a believer means entering into a relationship with God who loves us. It is never complicated at all, it just needs simple faith, as simple as how you will fly on a plane even though u have not seen the pilot's face, because u have a simple faith that the pilot can fly the plane. You, no matter how intelligent, will not question.

I, as a FOOLISH person, have chosen to believe in a simple thing without questioning. Just like it is said in 1 Cor 1:18-25.

I am so foolish and simple,I don't know difficult things, one thing I know is that, when the heaven and earth pass away, Jesus will come to judge the world. My medical degree does not change the eternity. My scientific knowledge does not give me more strength to lift my head before Jesus. Only my relationship with Him counts. And that relationship leads me through the small gate and narrow road to life.

Conclusion, as according to what the world thinks, I am a foolish woman. But I am happily foolish.

unworthy, but I see God

Today I got my job offer, it means although I am still in my final sem, I am guaranteed with a job, I will start working right after my graduation.

As I was driving home, I couldn't control my tears. I couldnt control the mixed feeling of unworthiness and praise in my heart. So I shouted while I blasted the music. I couldn't stop crying so I had to stop my car.

In tears I asked God, ' Why me???? Why did You bless me? I am not worthy! I don't deserve it!'

God answered me, ' I love you with an everlasting love, it surpasses all knowledge, and no one can fathom.'

I couldnt stop sobbing when I heard this. Who am I?
I cried in the car for 1 hour.

God has let me see His faithfulness. I remember begging Him not to let my heart turn cold in my life, not to let my eyes turn blind. My greatest fear was what if I became blind spiritually and stopped seeing His faithfulness?
Today He opened my eyes again and let me see the out pouring of blessings from heaven.

I am a sinner! When He casts His net of grace upon me, I am fully captured, i can't run away. My sin and brokenness is fully exposed before His throne when He gives grace. Today I truly understand why in Luke 5, after Peter saw the huge blessing, he knelt down and said , 'Go away from me, Lord, I am a sinful man!'.....That was what I felt.

Who can stand with his/her head lifted up when God shows His grace? We can only bow down in shame and cry, because we are not worthy. I understand why Paul said in Romans 5:20, ' Where sin increased, grace increased all the more.'

Luke 5, '...they left everything and followed Jesus.'
I would do the same. The job offer, the big catch of fish, both are just the subjects of blessing. When God opens our eyes, we of little faith see the love behind it, the blessing itself becomes secondary.

' What do I do after leading OCF? Where do I serve? OCF? Church? do Bible college? Stay in Aus? Go Malaysia? China?Africa?....' ...All these questions don't matter to me anymore. Just like the fish didnt matter to Peter anymore. I would leave everything, and follow Christ.

My heart is still thrilled. My eyes are still wet. I am truly humbled by His grace. Truly.

happy bday mom

Although I know my mom will never read my blog (she is literally a lil afraid to touch the computer), I still wanna write something about her birthday, which is today.

She is a very cute young lady, and always asks me 'is mom still pretty? is mom still young? ' , and my answer is always yes mom, u are still pretty, and u look younger each day...

I really love this young lady. 3 years ago I did not know how to love and respect her. But when I accepted Christ, He also changed my heart toward my mom. Mom is always very amazed about how this God can change her hopeless daughter.

I wish I could see with my own eyes how a young woman at my current age would get married and raise 3 children. How she had me in her tummy, how she rushed to the hospital to deliver me, how she held my lil hand when I learned to walk...I can only imagine the smile on her face.

Then I started giving her a lot of problems. I was very rebellious, I cursed her, I swore at her etc...For many many long and lonely nights mom cried in her room, dad was helpless too.

Now things have changed. God taught me to love her, I wanna do my best. I wanna let her feel that all her sufferings in the past is worth it, I wanna take her in my arms and hug her tight...I wanna pray for her (and my family) everyday so that they will accept Jesus, I don't wanna go to heaven without them with me...

Happy birthday and I truly love you mom, just in case you read my blog one day.

transformation..first love

When I was doing some house-keeping work on my laptop, I saw a folder in which I used to keep my journal.I definitely have forgotten about it. I opened and read thru the journal that I wrote back in 2003 till 2004. It shocked me to see the path I went thru.

To me, 2003 was the lowest and most depressing year in my life, because of many sins and mistakes and foolish decisions, it is marked as the darkest era in my life. Life was meaninglesss, the shame and guilt made me wanna kill myself again.

In the cloudiness and darkness, I saw a beam of light shone thru. It was God. I accepted Christ in 2003, it has become the turning point of my life.

Therefore 2003 is an interesting year, the darkest era was put to an end, and the bright era began, in the very same year. The old Siew Wai was dead,the new Siew Wai was born. He took away my shame and guilt, I no longer live in the shadow of guilt and shame.

How can I not love Him? How can I not thank Him? Whoelse can save a wretch, a crap, a rubbish, a sinner like me?

Then I read the journal of 2004. That was my 1st year of becoming a Christian. In the journal ,my prayer and words to God was like a child...Daddy,please bless this person and that person, Daddy, I love you...Daddy, Daddy Daddy...everything was about Daddy.

It amazes me, how far I have gone since then. From a baby Christian, God grew and matured me quickly, and He called me to lead OCF when I was a 2 and 1/2 yr old Christian..and now it comes to the end of serving in OCF. God has brought me this far. If not by Grace, whatelse can it be? Till today, all this still seem like a dream to me, it has been too wonderful, too beautiful, beyond comprehension.

I was losing my first love for Jesus, my heart was turning cold at a very very slow and unnoticeable rate, until today I read my journal dated in 2003. I believe God guided me to read it. It reminds me of how He has brought me out of the shadow of death.Now I can only bow down and thank Him.

I will keep this journal for as long as I can,to remind me how God has transformed me. Just like why God wanted to put the manna in the Ark of Covenant, to remind the Israelites how He has brought them out of slavery in Egypt and how He has provided them.But they forgot, therefore they rebelled.

Do not forget, do not forget how God has saved u. When you forget, your heart turns cold.

Romans 8 is my favourite. It tells us how far God has brought us thru.
1) Our flesh does not and can never submit to God, it is hostile
to Him.
2) But when we accept Jesus, the Spirit of God dwells in us.
3) The Spirit changes our mind --> changes our attitude and behaviour
-->we fulfill His law
4) We are now able to please God.

Glorious! How far have God brought me thru? This FAR:
Hostility --------------------------------------------------------->> Pleasing in His eyes
From being hostile to being pleasing, from one end to another end...I never wanna go backward.

a silent night

Just some thoughts that flash thru my mind in this silent night:

My very good friend sky is working in taiwan, on MSN, he said he was eating durian. I was like WHATTT u have durian in taiwan!! Then this fella went on describing the colour, texture , smell, taste, size etc of the durian.
It really makes me miss home madly. I mean of course not because of durian that makes me miss home. I am a durian fanatic, each time before I came back to Aus, the durian season was usually over, but dad would run around the town and always manage to find me some durians. No one in the family would ever touch those durians (out of their love for me, not fear).

I miss home. Sometimes I ask myself (and God) stupid questions like 'Why am I still staying in Australia? I should be back home serving my country and my people', this feeling and doubt is even stronger when the local people here don't appreciate the blessings that God has given them. They are very well taken care by their government, yet they complain. In Malaysia, the healthcare system is not even 50% as complete as it is in Australia. Yet the people just take in whatever that is given to them.

I really don't feel that this is the place where I will live for the rest of my life.I have not heard specific instruction from God, if He says I will go wherever He sends. Africa? China? Cambodia? Malaysia? Just tell me God.

I guess God has been preparing my physical body for mission since young. Physically I am tough, I can sleep anywhere under any environmental condition, I can eat all kinds of food under all conditions (except for meat, which is good, most poor places do not have meat), I can go in and out of the jungle, I can tolerate dirtiness, I can survive with just a T shirt and a pair of pants ( thats y now i dress up while i have the chance hehe )

Ah Tan always says she wanna be my mission partner. What comes to my mind is:
a doctor + a dentist + 2 evangelists + 2 loyal disciples + the ALL POWERFUL LORD JESUS = rock the world...muahahaha

**** Disclaimer: I didn't mean all ppl here are unappreciative, i m just referring to a bunch of patients whom i met in the hospital on a daily basis. of course, we find unappreciative ppl everywhere, they exist in malaysia as well :)